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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The smoking granny!!

27 replies

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 26/01/2019 17:36

Dd has a new friend, lovely girl. Dd started secondary school and has clicked with this girl. All good. Tf (the friend) has a horse at her dgm's farm and invited dd last week. Over the moon, dropped dd at Tf's house for dgm to collect. Dgm drove them back.
And smoked the entire journey. About 30 mins.
Dd invited to sleep at Tf's last night. Apparently the dm smokes in the house. Dd melt down as I said sorry no.
Invited Tf to sleep here instead.
Dd invited to the farm again.
I dropped her off then awaited a message to pick up...
The dgm brought her back. No notice it was time for me to set off, dd had not known the plan. Smoke again.
How can I be assetive without being rude?
Can't have dd around full on smokers!

OP posts:
TheQueef · 26/01/2019 17:38

Don't let her go then.

Jaxhog · 26/01/2019 17:40

Be honest with them. I doubt you'll be the first to say it.

Since 2015, it is a criminal offence to smoke with children (under 18) in your car in the UK.

Original poster
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 26/01/2019 17:44

Don't want to damage the new friendship but obviously dd's health is the priority, surely she knows the law? Insisted I drop off +pick up but it didn't happen today!! Maybe I could pick up really early so no chance they bring her back. Shame for the girl too - never thought anyone would smoke around someone else's dc!!

OP posts:
TrixieFranklin · 26/01/2019 17:45

Oh yuck I've never understood people smoking in their houses, it's so so grim. For work I'm often in people's houses and I'm always so surprised when people light up.
Most don't even ask (not that they should have to in their own home I suppose, but when a stranger/non smoker is sat across the table from you surely you'd just ask)..

It got to a point in one of my clients houses where it made me feel really sick (there were 3 of them smoking in sat at their kitchen table with me - no windows or doors open) - that I refused their business.

TrixieFranklin · 26/01/2019 17:46

Sorry I rambled off a bit there Blush
You need to explain to TFs parents that you aren't happy with it but their DD is welcome to come to you.

kitkatsky · 26/01/2019 17:46

What does DD think about the smoke? She prob values new friend over passive smoking because don't we all think we'll live forever at 12? I'd try and explain logically why you don't like it, but if she accepts a compromise like speaking to granny herself/ asking for an open window/ some exaggerated coughing leading to an open window... is acceptable I would accept her trying to solve an issue! She's getting to the age (IMO) where she has to take a bit of responsibility for when she feels safe/ unsafe and it is most awesome of all that she has a great friend. It's hard enough being 12

Singlenotsingle · 26/01/2019 17:50

At one time it was commonplace. Both my df and my dm smoked indoors with us kids there. TBH it didn't do us any harm. I have never smoked or suffered any lung problems. So once in a while in the car won't hurt DD and it's highly unlikely she would take up smoking - in fact it might turn her off!

If the friendship's important to DD, maybe try to turn a blind eye? (Difficult, I know).

Playdonut · 26/01/2019 17:52

The horse riding is more dangerous than the passive smoking. I wouldn't like either tbh! Tell her to ask them to open a window xx

Original poster
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 26/01/2019 17:53

Dd hates the smell! She is washing her hair now!! Could suggest she opens the window-she isn't a snowflake!!
My dm smoked and I was diagnosed with asthma as an adult. Ds has asthma, would hate to think dd was at risk later on.

OP posts:
Bringbackthestripes · 26/01/2019 18:08

Children are particularly vulnerable in the family car where secondhand smoke can reach hazardous levels even with the windows open.

^ from the NHS page re passive smoking.

Both my df and my dm smoked indoors with us kids there. TBH it didn't do us any harm

I regularly see patients who now have breathing problems and COPD who have never smoked but their parents did. Hopefully you will be one of the lucky Ones.

Op you either have to decline all invites or tell them straight that you will drop off and collect because you are not happy about the smoking. Or you could report them. Maybe the resulting fine will shock them into complying with the law Hmm

TrixieFranklin · 26/01/2019 18:15

On a side note, The Smoking Granny would be a fab name of a pub or bar..

pandechocolate · 26/01/2019 18:28

Isn't is against the law to smoke in a car with children now?

I'd be telling her she doesn't go there unless she is picked up and dropped off by you, no exceptions, personally.

Original poster
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 26/01/2019 18:53

I did tell dd I would be doing the lifts but the dgm didn't tell her they were leaving at X time so I could get there!! Just upped and left the farm.

OP posts:
Limensoda · 26/01/2019 18:57

Isn't is against the law to smoke in a car with children now

Yes, it is.
Anyone under 18 in the car and you can't smoke.
Ask the gm not to and tell her it's illegal. If she ignores, report her.

Allforall · 26/01/2019 18:58

This would annoy me too.

tazzle22 · 26/01/2019 19:10

I don't smoke and hate even seeing other people smoking. I would not be able to tolerate being in a car with a smoker !

However with my risk assessment hat on....
In short term horse riding definately much much higher risk of injury or death. I say that as a horse owner who has reached the grand old age of 62 with no intention of giving up.

risk of passive smoking causing ill health or death has a lower risk number because of the length of time and and requirement of intensity required to cause harm. If it was daily exposure it would be higher than than if once or twice a week. The chances are significant she would die of something else before that.

I say that as a 62 year old who's parents smoked like chimneys till I escaped home at 17. Apart from a cough in the winter I have no other respiratory issues and was even a decent athlete swimming for my county and reached nationals.

There are exceptions to every rule but you use the evidence to decide the risk

DD enjoys the new friend and activity and will probably " hate you forever" if you say no.

You can quite rightly challenge granny over her breaking the law smoking with her in the car bit only you can decide what the mist beneficial for your dd.

user1474894224 · 26/01/2019 19:26

It's easy....drop her off. Tell granny - what time shall I come back at? I am out doing X and will pick her up on the way back. (then arrive 20 minutes early so no excuse of GM bringing her.) - as for sleep over - just tell daughter bbo but tf can stay with you.

Thymeout · 26/01/2019 20:11

Couldn't you just be upfront with granny and say you're delighted that dd has made a new friend and it's v kind of her to let her learn to ride, but there's a family tendency to asthma and you've been advised not to let dd be around smoke because she's shown symptoms of being allergic. She's probably unaware that there's now a law against smoking in the car with children in it, thinks it's enough just to open the window.

She's doing you a favour by offering sleepovers and lifts, and might even be relieved that you do it instead. But be straight about your reasons instead of trying to out-manoeuvre her. She might think you're turning down her hospitality for other reasons or are trying to cool down the friendship if you're not open with her.

RandomMess · 26/01/2019 20:16

Tell granny your DD is at high risk of developing asthma so you would rather that you did pick up due to her smoking etc. Just be bright and breezy about it.

Original poster
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 26/01/2019 20:17

I have never met her but she did signal for me to go onto the farm today - will next time and say I will do drop off /pick up as we are non smokers due to asthma!
Dd understands my concern. Even her db 15 was telling her it was minging!!

OP posts:
Frouby · 26/01/2019 20:35

I am with tazzle in this one.

Passive smoking is vile. Especially when it's dcs. And I say that as an ex smoker.

The big issue is your dd is at someone elses yard, around horses you don't know, and people you don't know, possibly riding ponies you don't know.

I have horses, have done for 30 years. I have dcs. They are allowed on 2 yards. 1 is ours and the other is the local riding school I grew up on.

The risk from horses is real and immediate and you need to have the knowledge and experience to do a real risk assessment.

It's not like joining in on a dance class, or football team. Pay for riding lessons at a pro yard or suck up the passive smoking because tbh that's the least of your worries.

Original poster
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 26/01/2019 20:56

Dd can ride, has had many many lessons. She has been volunteering at a farm working with horses for 2 years. Well confident and very sensible. Quite assertive and if I mention the smoking I am sure she will support me to the granny - just anxious I don't ruin things for her with her friend.

OP posts:
Frouby · 26/01/2019 21:06

How old is your dd?

Original poster
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 26/01/2019 21:17

She is 12.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 26/01/2019 21:28

By offering to drop and collect they surely can't be offended. And say the reason, stating the family issue with asthma. I grew up in a smoking household as did Dh. We both have asthma. His parents both died from smoking related illness as did one of mine. I'd have no issue telling anyone that I didn't want them smoking around my kids. At least in your case you are offering an alternative inviting tf to sleep over at yours.