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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with DH?

31 replies

katkat90 · 26/01/2019 16:52

Long winded and have NC.

May seem “stealth boast” but assure you it isn’t

Me and DH have been married for 6 years. We have two DDs who are 15mnths and 2 weeks old.

We both work- I own my own business and DH works as a building and has experience with plumbing and electrician work also. Despite having a huge mortgage, two children and wanting another 2 in a few years time and ever growing expenses he refuses to go self employed meaning he’s earning roughly a third of what he is capable of earning in our area. It isn’t about a lack of work- he’s good at what he does and many people have approached him in the past offering him solo work but he chooses to work below his mate because “it’s what he’s always done and he wants to prove his loyalty”

He works 3/4 days a week. I work 5, sometimes 6 and going back to work on Monday despite only having my baby 2 weeks ago today and working until the night I gave birth.

DH is totally shit with money- we both get money paid into our own back accounts and we both pay a lump in on the 1st of each month to cover the mortgage, gas and electric, broadband/phone, everyday and holiday savings and food bills. I am the higher earner so I cover more than he does and I have made it so we have similar disposable money each month for personal expenses. He will spend his on his golf club membership, beer at the pub and shit for his PlayStation and clothes.

I don’t begrudge him having a social life because I fully expect the same but he needs to realise his priorities of changed.

He argues “I can’t afford the clothes/toys etc” you buy the kids and he’s right- outright, he can’t. But it would be nice if every now and then he gave me some money towards clothing his children.

I’m not saying I don’t spend money on myself- because I do. A lot. Too much probably. But at least I’m providing for my D.C and they will always come first

Dont get me wrong- he is an amazing father and husband and I don’t doubt for a second he doesn’t love us all very much but his priorities seem to be totally fucked up and I’m not living a life of “keeping” my husband. Not a fucking chance. I didn’t work 60/70/80 hour weeks doing MW jobs when I was younger for this. No, no and NO.

He gets jealous if I buy myself a new car, a new bag or save up for something to get myself. I tell him to start saving his own money or go out and earn more and he will be able to do the same. But nope.

Anyway we had a massive blow out argument last night because I want to hire a nanny/housekeeper- it’s all becoming too much working 60 hours a week (with 4 dogs and a child in tow, now 2) and DD1 is at an age where I can’t just stick her in a playpen with some toys while I get on with my work.

Apparently this is unreasonable and “we can’t afford it” (we can now and definitely so if he pulls his finger out) Tried compromising with hiring someone 2/3 days a week- again, flat no. Apparently “I will cope” and thousands of mothers “would love to be in my position”- which is of course true. But it makes my life 100x more complicated.

Im honestly starting to reach the end of my tether and looking for someone with more drive an ambition to spend my life with

AIBU?

OP posts:

Floralhousecoat · 26/01/2019 17:14

You and your dh seem incompatible op. Also your life sounds utterly full on and exhausting with 2 babies, FOUR dogs (???!!!), and you working 5 -6 day weeks. You're going back to work 2 weeks after giving birth. Why is that? Have y8u recovered?

I think you are taking too much on op. I t might be time to reevaluate your priorities. Do you love your husband and want to make it work with him or is it more important to be with someone who is at least as driven as you?

Stormyumbrella · 26/01/2019 17:17

Yanbu

If you can afford a nanny you should get a nanny to enable you to work. The rest makes him sound like a dick, does he pay towards anything for the children?

TulipsInbloom1 · 26/01/2019 17:19

If he works 3/4 days per week, does he do all the childcare/dogs etc on his other 3/4 days while you work?

Hanab · 26/01/2019 17:22

If he is only working 3/4 days a week then OP the best solution is that he does the housework child and dog care? Surely he can’t begrudge you since he does not want a nanny/housekeeper ...
btw OP - In my humble opinion please take care of yourself, yes woman are known just to get on with it but 2 weeks after baby you back at work? I salute you! Please take care of your health .. no one else is going to bother tbh 🌷

LEMtheoriginal · 26/01/2019 17:27

Who us looking after the baby while you go back to work? Why arent you taking full maternity leave?

SweetheartNeckline · 26/01/2019 17:33

In what way is he "an amazing father and husband"?

He doesn't provide for his children or do much of the physical care by the sound of it. He is allowing you to work yourself into the ground - paid and unpaid, plus the reproductive labour - while he has 4 days a week off work.

MrsTerryPratcett · 26/01/2019 17:36

Why isn't he looking after the children? 3-4 days a week at least.

luckylavender · 26/01/2019 17:36

OP, you lost me at - DD1 is at an age where I can’t just stick her in a playpen with some toys while I get on with my work.

SEsofty · 26/01/2019 17:38

So you currently looks after the children while you work?

You can’t be working and simultaneously looking after the children. It is not fair on anyone.

SexNotJenga · 26/01/2019 17:42

I am not sure that many people would want to be in your position, tbh.

How much would you miss him if he was gone?

Tistheseason17 · 26/01/2019 17:48

Can DH do the child care/housekeeping so you don't have to?

BIWI · 26/01/2019 17:50

If you're the higher earner, and you think you can afford it, and you keep your finances separate - then get a nanny or a childminder, You can't work without childcare.

Oh, but make it clear that they're only covering the days you're both working, and on his day off he's doing the child-care.

lemonface · 26/01/2019 17:53

I have no idea how you go back to work after giving birth two weeks ago! What? And why isn't he doing all the house stuff if he works part time?

RednaxelasPony · 26/01/2019 17:55

Why no joint account? That would be a dealbreaker for me.

Joint account, you keep the budget for it. Pay him a monthly allowance for his pointless shit, errrrr hobbies, which you both agree you can comfortably afford. Your monthly allowance for your own treats should be equal to his.

The money for kids clothes and food etc comes out of the joint account. All earnings are family money end of story.

He sounds like a cocklodger.

user1493413286 · 26/01/2019 17:59

So he’s happy with working less, you paying more towards things and supplementing his life but won’t agree to getting help to make your life easier. To be honest I’d be tempted to draw back and say you’ll both start paying half to everything and you’ll use the extra to pay for some help.

madcatladyforever · 26/01/2019 18:05

Why is his loyalty towards his mate and not you? I'd have got rid a long time ago. He needs a short sharp shock to bring him back to reality.

1ndig0 · 26/01/2019 18:14

OP - are you aware that no woman would put up with a husband like this? Why on earth would you be worried your thread is a “stealth boast?” It sounds utterly horrendous!

Chickychoccyegg · 26/01/2019 18:15

He sounds a bit rubbish thb, you need him to start paying in a higher amount to the joint account to cover child costs, and he needs to realise he needs to change his priorities now
do you work from home? who's looking after such a tiny baby when you back to work?
think you both may have to rethink your work life balance now you have dc to think of, you work far too many hours for having 2 young dc

HaveNoSocks · 26/01/2019 18:19

Well you need to adapt the "disposable income" you both have so it's purely disposable and then he doesn't have to justify what he spends it on. Essentials for kids e.g. clothes should be taken out at the beginning of the month then if one of you choose to spend extras on a cute outfit or a toy they don't really need that's your choice but not a necessity. the essentials (e.g. winter coats, new shoes etc) should come out of the same money as bills etc.

The last paragraph makes him sound like a complete dick though who I wouldn't want to keep around. He doesn't want to change his working pattern to earn more but claims you can't afford a nanny - how the hell are you supposed to work and provide enough stimulation for a 15 month old while also caring for the newborn. No mother would love to be in that position at all.

Sexnotgender · 26/01/2019 18:19

No stealth boast there, he sounds like an idiot!

What type of work do you do? Are you working from home?

How do you split the bills and housework?

SilverHype · 26/01/2019 18:20

OP, you lost me at - DD1 is at an age where I can’t just stick her in a playpen with some toys while I get on with my work.

Well what other choice does she have? Her husband won’t pull his weight and won’t allow her to hire help. Those judgey drawers must be strangling you right now.

tiggerkid · 26/01/2019 18:22

he is an amazing father and husband

How does he demonstrate this?

AgentProvocateur · 26/01/2019 18:24

‘Stealth boast’? I don’t really think anyone would want such a useless husband that they had to go back to work two weeks after having a baby.

KateGrey · 26/01/2019 18:28

He sounds an utterly lazy sod. I would seriously reconsider having more children with him as you and him seem totally incompatible in terms of outlook. I’d also get a childminder or nanny or something to ease the load.

justasking111 · 26/01/2019 18:32

Ah the employed versus self-employed story. Wellllll.... OH is disappointed that one of our DC`s really is not of a self-employed mindset. Some people just do not have it in them... so I would leave that to one side.

You both seem to be not awfully good with money the difference is you earn so much more so it is not as obvious. You really need to sit down together and make a plan. Think of it as a 5 year marketing plan. Where do you want to be in five years and work out how you can both achieve this.

If you are working 60 hours a week as Warren Buffet said you need to share the load and employ someone, then build up the business, when you find your hours creeping up again employ again. Otherwise your whole life could come crashing down if there were a family crisis.

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