To be fed up with DH?

[katkat90]

Long winded and have NC.

May seem “stealth boast” but assure you it isn’t

Me and DH have been married for 6 years. We have two DDs who are 15mnths and 2 weeks old.

We both work- I own my own business and DH works as a building and has experience with plumbing and electrician work also. Despite having a huge mortgage, two children and wanting another 2 in a few years time and ever growing expenses he refuses to go self employed meaning he’s earning roughly a third of what he is capable of earning in our area. It isn’t about a lack of work- he’s good at what he does and many people have approached him in the past offering him solo work but he chooses to work below his mate because “it’s what he’s always done and he wants to prove his loyalty”

He works 3/4 days a week. I work 5, sometimes 6 and going back to work on Monday despite only having my baby 2 weeks ago today and working until the night I gave birth.

DH is totally shit with money- we both get money paid into our own back accounts and we both pay a lump in on the 1st of each month to cover the mortgage, gas and electric, broadband/phone, everyday and holiday savings and food bills. I am the higher earner so I cover more than he does and I have made it so we have similar disposable money each month for personal expenses. He will spend his on his golf club membership, beer at the pub and shit for his PlayStation and clothes.

I don’t begrudge him having a social life because I fully expect the same but he needs to realise his priorities of changed.

He argues “I can’t afford the clothes/toys etc” you buy the kids and he’s right- outright, he can’t. But it would be nice if every now and then he gave me some money towards clothing his children.

I’m not saying I don’t spend money on myself- because I do. A lot. Too much probably. But at least I’m providing for my D.C and they will always come first

Dont get me wrong- he is an amazing father and husband and I don’t doubt for a second he doesn’t love us all very much but his priorities seem to be totally fucked up and I’m not living a life of “keeping” my husband. Not a fucking chance. I didn’t work 60/70/80 hour weeks doing MW jobs when I was younger for this. No, no and NO.

He gets jealous if I buy myself a new car, a new bag or save up for something to get myself. I tell him to start saving his own money or go out and earn more and he will be able to do the same. But nope.

Anyway we had a massive blow out argument last night because I want to hire a nanny/housekeeper- it’s all becoming too much working 60 hours a week (with 4 dogs and a child in tow, now 2) and DD1 is at an age where I can’t just stick her in a playpen with some toys while I get on with my work.

Apparently this is unreasonable and “we can’t afford it” (we can now and definitely so if he pulls his finger out) Tried compromising with hiring someone 2/3 days a week- again, flat no. Apparently “I will cope” and thousands of mothers “would love to be in my position”- which is of course true. But it makes my life 100x more complicated.

Im honestly starting to reach the end of my tether and looking for someone with more drive an ambition to spend my life with

AIBU?

What does he mean ‘you’ll cope?” Sounds like he expects you to do everything while he does bare minimum?
Back to work after two weeks! You’ll make yourself ill what if you haemorrhage? You need to recover fully! He sounds awful

Child care while working is not a luxury. If you are working your options are he is the primary caregiver or you hire someone.

He gets jealous when you buy yourself a new car? Isn't that something you both buy as a family like a joint thing? 😳

When people say they have bought themselves a new car, often they mean that they have taken on a new lease xxx a month, rather than they have parted with hard cash.

Agree about the self employed thing. It's not that simple and some people are better off working for others than running a business, even if they make less money it's worth it on balance. But then it makes sense to reign in the spending because the lower income isn't compatible with the massive mortgage etc. Sounds like you're very over-extended if you're having to go back to work so quickly plus all those dogs and plans for four kids. Something's got to give, whether it's not buying yourself new cars, his golf club fees, moving something less expensive or something. I agree he's got problems that need addressing but the answer isn't necessarily for you both to work yourselves into the ground.

You mentioned stealth boast. Can you explain what part of your life people would be jealous of? Genuinely. I don't think that's a life anyone would aspire to. Going back to work when you have two little babies, no thank you.
And, yes, your husband sounds like a twat.