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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dog PTS unsupportive partner :(

55 replies

Notgotajarofglue · 25/01/2019 23:00

I had to have my dog put to sleep. Quite a shock as she was not old and her condition rapidly deteriorated. My partner refused to come with me to spend any time with her beforehand nevermind while she was PTS. I did it all alone. He said he was uncomfortable with the situation and didn't want to see her breathe her last breath. He was not in work that day. It was not exactly an experience I was hoping to go through, at least for another 10 years. Bittersweet to have been given the opportunity to spend those last moments with her. Some people don't get that chance so I was grateful and would not have missed it for the world. I spent 3 hours with her kissing and hugging and talking to her and she listened to every word, looked at me with sheer love but she knew what was coming and she spun to the door every time the vet came in to check on us, she was hoping it was him, I know it.
I'm having trouble getting over his stance though, fair enough if you're uncomfortable being there for the big moment but the lack of support for me as well as not wanting to see her one last time, i can't get over. I had to pull over on the way home as I couldn't see through my tears, i was distraught. He could've drove me there and home at the very least. I had to choose her casket and he's moaning about what I chose. He wanted to pack her things away an hour after I got back, I'm was not ready I just feel he's been totally heartless towards both the dog who loved him to bits and to me who needed his support more than anything. What if I had said the same as him? Poor little buggars life would have ended with none of her family around. Fwiw he has a history of not coming to things as a couple just because he doesn't fancy it.
AIBU to fucking hate him?

OP posts:
Notgotajarofglue · 25/01/2019 23:01

Missed off that she was both our dog. We got her together. In fact, all the paperwork is in his name. Cunt

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/01/2019 23:02

I've lost pets, it's so heartbreaking you really do have my sympathy OP.

Your partner's attitude would be a dealbreaker for me.

Flowers
WiddlinDiddlin · 25/01/2019 23:04

I would struggle to deal with that too, as you say, if he really couldn't cope with the actual final moment, he could have said his good byes in the vets carpark and been there for you when you came out.

It is hard, its hard and its horrid for everyone, and whilst maybe his reaction IS his grief, I still don't think that makes his actions acceptable or ok.

DawgLover · 25/01/2019 23:06

I don't blame you for being angry but would gently remind you that people deal with grief in different ways. Is there any chance that this is his way of managing his loss?

If not and he genuinely doesn't give a shit it would be a dealbreaker for me too. So sorry for your loss Flowers

Whisky2014 · 25/01/2019 23:06

Oh that is so off. I really feel for you. Your lovely dog is over the rainbow bridge now having fun, I'm sure.
I don't know what I'd do in your situation.I think I'd struggle to forgive him or even understand him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/01/2019 23:07

Sorry for your loss.

There's not much point to having a partner if they're not going to be there when you need them.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 25/01/2019 23:09

I’m with the others. I couldn’t be with a man who shows the furry members of the family so little love, let alone how unsupportive and uncaring it is for you.

AlpacaPicnic · 25/01/2019 23:09

He does seem pretty fucking heartless to me.

I've recently had to have a pet PTS and I could have coped on my own but I wanted DH with me and he wanted to be there to say goodbye as well. We needed each other. Making that decision and knowing what was happening was awful but supporting each other through the shit times is what being in a partnership is all.about.

AlpacaPicnic · 25/01/2019 23:10

And I'm sorry for the loss of your loved girl.

LovingLola · 25/01/2019 23:11

Why are you with him? What’s stopping you leaving him?

LaLoba · 25/01/2019 23:13

He put his feelings of discomfort ahead of you and the dog, when you needed him. I’d fucking hate him too, that’s not someone who you can count on.
I’m so sorry for your loss, at least she had you to be with her till the end.

Notgotajarofglue · 25/01/2019 23:15

She had been at the vets for 3 days before. I visited her every night and spent 2 hours with her, he never came not once. I never got to bring her home, I spent my last hours with her there in the surgery. I took so many pictures and I don't even think he deserves to see them. He's not asked.
It has got easier since, I will get over her dying, there was nothing more I could've done for her. I miss her so much.
I don't think I'll ever get over his lack of support for her or me though, his way or coping or not.
I feel it's the final nail in the coffin of our marriage but understand I might not be thinking clearly.
Fwiw, amongst others, the things he's never attended are u/s scans, both healthy babies and miscarriages and scans/tests for a breast cancer scare recently.

OP posts:
Coppermine · 25/01/2019 23:18

What's his reason for not going to scans and medical appts with you for? This is the kind of thingy DM does, but she has a real phobia of medical professionals and hospitals (not diagnosed as she won't see anyone, but I've no doubt it's a serious issue). She doesn't go for herself or other people. Could he have something similar?

Whisky2014 · 25/01/2019 23:20

Oh dear. I can't believe he didnt attend scans. What was his reasons for that?

ChakiraChakra · 25/01/2019 23:27

Reading this brought tears to my eyes, it's only a few months ago I had my dog pts.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did the right thing being with her at the end and in the lead up to it. I think the best thing for you to do is to focus on looking after yourself for now. By all means tell him what you need if you want or need to. But take what you need and don't waste energy wondering if he was being unreasonable or not. You have had a horrible day. Honor what needs to be felt in you. Dealing with him over the way he acted can wait.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

Notgotajarofglue · 25/01/2019 23:28

No medical fear, he loves a good diagnosis and prescription for himself.
Reasons for not going to the scans, he didn't need to be there,I suppose. His presence couldn't change any outcome of the scan. He rarely comes with me to HIS family parties. Unless its his choice of restaurant on his terms etc, he doesn't GAF. It's just now, years after getting together that it's beginning to really bug me. I have only recently been paying attention to how 'together' other couples look that I've looked back and thought WHAT A CUNT

OP posts:
NewMinouMinou · 25/01/2019 23:28

I have a rooster and I adore him. We have a bond (in as much as you can have a bond with a roo - they’re not the most emotional of animals) and I just love him.
Last August he got sick and barely made it - I spent four days syringe-feeding him after the vet said he wanted to euthanise him.
My partner HATES this rooster and the roo doesn’t like him much either.

When he was at his sickest, my partner didn’t pretend to feel sorry for him, but he did book tickets to see our fave comedy show in London and made sure the kids/cleaning/some cooking was sorted so I could feed my roo. He was upset for me. It was the first time the kids saw me cry.
The point is that he put his feelings aside for me and my eldest (who also has a strong bond with the rooster).

I’d be wary of anyone who couldn’t do something to comfort you.

NewMinouMinou · 25/01/2019 23:31

I’m sorry for this sudden loss, OP. We all know that our pets don’t live as long as we do, but it still hurts when that time comes.

Whisky2014 · 25/01/2019 23:32

He is a selfish git. Doesn't matter if he can't change the outcome, it might have been nice to share the experience with you or if something went wrong, was there to support you. Sorry, I'd leave him...

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 25/01/2019 23:38

Absolute deal breaker for me, I could not be with someone that uncaring and selfish, sorry, I don’t buy this as him dealing with his grief line, that’s just an excuse, he has shown you time and time again what type of man he is, actions speak louder than words remember. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl, would sharing a picture with us help?

DawgLover · 25/01/2019 23:43

Fucking hell, on your last few updates it's much clearer. He's just an absolute selfish cunt. You deserve so much more than that.

Coffeeandthensome · 25/01/2019 23:44

I’m so sorry to hear about your dog, she will have known how much you love her Flowers

Notgotajarofglue · 26/01/2019 00:06

My baby Sad

Dog PTS unsupportive partner :(
OP posts:
Schmoobarb · 26/01/2019 00:08

Selfish and heartless.

So sorry about your dog x

Withasideofbeans · 26/01/2019 00:12

I’m so sorry about your beautiful girl. It would have meant the world to her that you were there with her right until the end. Flowers for you. And yes you’re absolutely right, your partner is an utter cunt! Take time to grieve, and then maybe seriously consider what he brings to this relationship. You’ll get through this my love Flowers