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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think MIL is being weird?

43 replies

abracadabrah · 25/01/2019 20:21

I'm pregnant and my DH told his mother when he had gone over to see her.
When me and DH went over, she never congratulated me. She has never brought the pregnancy up! I'm not expecting to be congratulated on conceiving a child exactly, but everyone else has had something nice to say.
We had our scan a fortnight ago, DH phoned her when I had gone to the loo in a cafe afterwards to say everything went well, and she asked him what we were having! (boy/girl)
I feel like this is really weird.

  1. She hasn't even discussed it with me (the person growing this child)
  2. it was a dating scan so even if we wanted to find out we couldn't!
  3. Surely the gender is for us to announce if we choose to and not for others to ask? I'd never ask first thing if friend/family were having a boy or girl...I'd just not assume their decision to find out or not and wouldn't put them on the spot to divulge.
Sorry if I'm just being hormonal and over reacting but to me it just feels really strange that she appears to be discussing it with DH but not the person who is actually pregnant and whose medical records they actually are Confused
OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 25/01/2019 20:24

What? Everyone asks all the time in pregnancy is it a girl or a boy, you're being weird, poor Mil.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 25/01/2019 20:24

Whilst she could gave congratulated you, I think you are being previous about your other points.

Your DH is her son, it's normal for her to speak to him.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 25/01/2019 20:25

Precious, not previous!

comedycentral · 25/01/2019 20:25

Is she normally kinda alkward?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 25/01/2019 20:25

The only time mil ever mentioned my pregnancy was to tell me mistakes happen!!
I told her straight it was planned. She never mentioned it again.

Myneighboursnorlax · 25/01/2019 20:26

I find it strange that your DH told her on his own, rather than when the two of you were together. My first two thoughts are 1) is she deliberately not mentioning it to you because she’s offended you didn’t tell her yourself, or 2) has your DH definitely actually told her?

HollowTalk · 25/01/2019 20:28

It's not "she could have congratulated you" it's "she SHOULD have congratulated you."

Congratulations to you and your husband, OP. Don't let that misery guts spoil things for you.

Original poster
abracadabrah · 25/01/2019 20:28

lol I've never asked any of my friends and colleagues if they're having a boy or girl, I let them tell me if they choose to!

Yeah she can be awkward, I sort of let it slide though... she does this strange thing often of ignoring what I say as if I wasn't even speaking, but will then repeat what I said as if saying it for herself. Or will talk to DH about me like I'm not there and can't here her. I don't make a fuss and just give her the benefit of the doubt, as everyone is different but I do find it really odd that she doesn't make reference to me being pregnant at all (to my face)

OP posts:
Original poster
abracadabrah · 25/01/2019 20:29

we each told our own mothers on the same day because we didn't want one to have known before the other so I would hope she wouldn't be offended by that!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/01/2019 20:30

Nothing wrong with asking

But not mentioning the pregnancy to you, or you not mentioning it to her is really weird Confused

RCohle · 25/01/2019 20:31

I think her not congratulating you is odd (although possibly she congratulated her son and expected him to pass that on).

YABU about everything else. Asking about the sex is hardly intrusive - she's the bloody grandmother! Not sure how you are expecting her to know it was dating scan.

Orchidflower1 · 25/01/2019 20:32

Bit weird her not mentioning it but also odd that your dh waited until you weren’t there to phone.

Original poster
abracadabrah · 25/01/2019 20:32

@RCohle she knows how far along I am and everything as she asks DH about it when he sees her on his own but she doesn't bring it up around me?!

OP posts:
Linlou82 · 25/01/2019 20:36

I think you are slightly over thinking but also kind of have a point!

Is he an only child? Is this the first grandchild?

Maybe she just loves her son more than you (no offence meant) and it is kind of normal to ask the sex. I am like you, I wouldn’t, I don’t even ask people if they have kids as think a weird question to ask when meeting someone.

She clearly enjoyed him calling her, I think you just need to accept it’s something she wants to share with her son and not you 😬

Also did she have a lot of miscarriages before your DH maybe she doesn’t want to get invested for fear something may happen? Sorry again to be bleak but need to look at all angles. There could be a lot going on behind the scenes your just not aware of.

Congratulations btw!

Original poster
abracadabrah · 25/01/2019 20:37

It's got to the point now where I feel perhaps she doesn't like the fact that I'm pregnant..so I feel like I can't discuss it around her. I'm sorry if I do come across as being nuts but it's just strange to me, the first thing I would do upon seeing someone who I had found out was expecting is to give them a big cuddle and say well done or congrats or whatever and ask how they're feeling and all the rest of it. I've always made a big effort to be a good daughter in law but it just makes me feel like somehow I've upset her or offended her by being pregnant :(

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 25/01/2019 20:37

Foes she think she’s not supposed to know?!

I’d be tempted to do an-‘oooh, the scan was so cool, look at the grainy photo?! Are you excited about being a granny yet?!’ Then give her a jovial pat and check out her reaction!

Original poster
abracadabrah · 25/01/2019 20:40

@Linlou82 no she has another adult child and therefore although this is our first child this will be her fourth grandchild. And no she hasn't had any miscarriages! If she had I would understand completely but it's the strangest thing. I don't see how she can share it with her son and not with the woman who is actually growing the child, I mean...yes its DH's child too but he's not the one retching all day and getting fat...lol

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 25/01/2019 20:41

I'm a bit torn here. I don't think asking if you know the sex is odd, the first two things most people asked me were when's it due, and do you know what you're having. Probably about 100 people asked that!

I think in general it is odd to not ask about or congratulate you on the pregnancy

But (I mean this kindly and I realise I don't know you so may be way off the mark) if you're the kind of person that gets offended when someone asks about the sex of your baby, she might be worried about bringing it up incase you get offended by what most people consider normal comments

Stardustinmyeyes · 25/01/2019 20:42

You do seem to be a bit touchy, maybe she doesn't want to upset you by discussing your pregnancy with you. As a Mil I didn't ask my DIL much about her first pregnancy because I really didn't want to be intrusive, with her second it was different. I know her much better now and she is much more comfortable with me. So perhaps she's trying not to be too over the top.

Original poster
abracadabrah · 25/01/2019 20:42

@Holidayshopping the first time I saw her and didn't get the congrats or even well done or whatever that I was half expecting, I did make a point of stating I was having quite a lot of morning sickness (make that all day sickness) and she literally smiled and changed the subject. I should have written that into the OP sorry!!

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 25/01/2019 20:45

As your DH told her without you might she think she's not meant to know yet, hence not mentioning it in front of you and only taking to him about it, residually as he waited until you weren't present again to call her after the scan? YABU regarding the sex, everyone asks.

Ladyoftheloch · 25/01/2019 20:45

I think you’re being weird about the boy / girl thing because that’s a very normal question to ask. But I do think it’s really strange and rude that she hasn’t congratulated you or talked to you about it.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 25/01/2019 20:45

Also...there are a lot of women on here saying they aren't that close to their MiL and when they're pregnant they are suddenly 100x more interested in the baby snd not the mother and they just end up feeling like a vessel for carrying their grandchild. Maybe she doesn't want to get into this kind of situation. Or sees it as a medical thing that's happening to your body so doesn't want to be intrusive

SparklyLeprechaun · 25/01/2019 20:45

The only weird thing is not talking to you about the pregnancy. Asking about gender - absolutely normal, and she probably couldn't remember that it's too early to find out at the dating scan.

FascinatingCarrot · 25/01/2019 20:47

Maybe shes worried about overstepping - you seem on some level to think she should feel what you are feeling (sick and getting fat lol) which isnt the case. Some MIL are so nervous about doing/saying something wrong they just sound out their child.
Yes she should have congratulated you, otherwise just because you would do something a certain way doesnt mean she should.