Am I too young to get married?

[namechangejac]

Name changed so it's not linked to my other threads. Not looking for any nasty comments.

I'm 19, DP is 21. We have a toddler together and have been together for 3.5 years (a bit rocky until we had DS but we (he) completely grew up).
I just love our little family. Each to their own and some people see it as such a negative to settle down so young or say you're 'missing out' on stuff like travelling etc, but I couldn't imagine my life any better than it is.

I'd love to get married. Maybe not right now but I'm thinking in about a year! We have an incredibly strong relationship and good communication, a child together, a home, the only factor that makes it 'not the right time' is our age, I suppose. I'm not interested in a big, fancy wedding do (so we wouldn't be forking out a ton of money!)
DM looks at me like I'm crazy every time I bring up the concept of marriage. We openly discuss careers, running a home, plans in getting a mortgage, other children, but when marriage gets brought up with her, I feel like she looks at me like I'm a 14 year old saying I want to get married to a boyfriend of 3 weeks!

Am I too young? Is everyone going to look at us like we are crazy if we consider it - and should that even matter to us?

My mum got married at 22, my aunty 20, my mil 19... it was considered the norm in the 60s and 70s. My aunty was widowed after 40 odd years and my mum and mil are both on their 43rd year of marriage.

It might have been a different time back then but there is no reason why you can’t or shouldn’t get married. You already have a child together which I think tests the best relationships, you won’t be out partying etc so in terms of your life it won’t change anything massively. I say why not if you are in love and want to spend your lives together go for it.

If you love and trust each other then marriage is the logical next step!
You will be afforded much more protection and rights as a married woman which I think is essential when you have a little one.

You sound very mature, however is your oh mature enough to get married? Or is he likely to panic and feel trapped? I ask because I have friends who were in long term relationships, then married only for their new dh to begin cheating and behaving like rebellious teenagers.

I was young by today’s standards when we got engaged (22) and married (23) but my dh was four years older and had sewn his oats/ enjoyed the freedom of being a single man in his early twenties. He has admitted that despite adoring me, he would not have been ready for marriage at 20/21. Where as I was ready at 20/21- (I certainly wasn’t ready at 16 though- which would have been how old I would have been when dh was 20/21!) I have only ever been in a relationship with my dh and I knew very early on that he was the man I wanted to marry and have my children with. (Thankfully I didn’t share these thoughts until we were engaged or I would have scared the poor man off!’)

You already have a child so I would presume your oh is already more mature than most men his age!

With a child, you likely should have the legal protections marriage gives compared to cohabitating which is next to nothing. There are other ways to get most of it covered, there are cohabitation agreements and other things that someone with more law knowledge could explain better, but marriage would be an easier route for that.

Yes, I know the stats and it's a risk just like having a child as a teen is physically riskier than starting to have kids at 24+ (and I say this as someone who married at 18 as an idealistic hopeless romantic and had my first almost a year later), but to me that just says that young mothers need those protections even more with the higher stats that many bad case scenarios are statistically more likely to happen even though there are also quite a few of us who quite happily took those riskier options and they ended up the best for us. I know others who may find it unromantic, but to oddball me, choosing to protect each other is pretty romantic.

I agree with pinkdelight that the 'wanting it to be a surprise and romantic' to delay does sound familar to many concerned that their other half's won't propose. Personally, I think the best settings can be ruined and having been proposed to while having a laugh over really bad daytime TV, people can make anything romantic and surprising.

Too young to settle down, but you've already done that so what difference does marriage make?

I’ve been thinking about it while I waited to see what you replied. I decided that I don’t think you should listen to anyone who doesn’t know you both IRL to be honest. I’d ask you Mum why she thinks you shouldn’t get married and listen. If she says ‘you’re too young’ then probe, ask her ‘too young how? Why?’.

I’m in my 40’s. At 19 I wanted to get married for love, have lots of kids, lovely house etc. Now, I still think all that’s lovely, but I also see very clearly both the rights and obligations that the legal side of marriage bring over time.

Marriage provides security for the one who is a lower earner and/or least ‘go getting’ career wise or is a SAHP.

3 really years isn’t a long time. 16-19 is ‘life as a teenager’ - you really don’t know what sort of a man he’s going to grow into. Currently you’re both working, fairly ‘equal’ in life...why not wait and see how things go?

IF after this DC is born, you agree to being a SAHP then yes, get married, get the limited protection it provides you.

Generations before us had successful, loving, lasting teenage marriages

I don't want to be cynical but I don't think we can compare this generation with our GPs' generation. A lot of them stayed together not because they were happy but because divorce was frowned upon or the woman was totally financially dependant on her DH.

@Iloveautumnleaves wait... if after what DC is born? Our DC is 2.

Yes. Sorry. I thought you’d said you were pregnant AGAIN, but you didn’t, you said people were asking about when you were having another one.

You already have a kid - marriage is an afterthought! You have already made the most significant commitment possible.

You should get married to protect your position, since you have a child together. It would be sensible to do so.

My mum was only 18 when she married my dad (in 1980) although they didn't have children until after they were married.

This year will be their 39th wedding anniversary!

So, I don't think it's too young at all!

You’ve already committed by having a child, so actually being married is a really sensible decision to give you financial protection, let you be considered next of kin etc.. so it makes sense
We got married at 18 & 19 and still happily married nearly 15 years later. It doesn’t have to be too young!

my mum married at 20 she had me at 21 my dad is older they have been married 51 years

No, I don’t think so. I married at 18, I was mature and responsible and thought pragmatically about it. Still very happy 15 years and 3DC later!

I married the day after my 18th

DH and I got married when I had just turned 22. We’ve been together 17 years this year (we met when I was 16) and married for 12 :)

Only you know if it is what you want. I was going to say it's too young till I saw you had a child together, and I see that as a bigger commitment than marriage.
I had my first child at 20 and was a good mum, but I was still learning and changing my thoughts and idea till I was about 25. I met my husband at 28 and had other children too by then. Looking back I don't think I would have been ready to commit to someone forever, other than my children, until I had matured. I am glad I didn't marry my children's father's as they weren't right for me, but it was right for me to have my children.
So only marry if it's what you want, not just because you have a child and feel you have to.

Normally I would say you are too young, but since you already committed by having a child, marriage would formalize your economic and legal partnership. It’s certainly easier to go to the registry office tomorrow than it is to form a legal partnership through other methods.

I was 19 when we got married and DH was 22. It is our Golden Wedding this year. We have both had demanding careers and have wonderful children and grandchildren. I think if you are prepared to grow and change together then you will be fine.

You can always get divorced if you change your minds. In the meantime marriage is the fairest way to split resources when raising a child and living together imho.

You had your baby when you were 15, it seems a little silly to say that marriage will somehow curtail the wildness of youth - the pre-schooler does that 😂

You're stilltogether after what must have been a really difficult time, if you love each other and imagine being together "forever" then it doesn't affect anyone else so thry don't get a say.

There's time to travel the world together when your child is grown up or together as a family

Me and my DH met when I was 18, he was 20, we got engaged within 4 months. We didn't get married until I was 27 because we couldn't afford it, we didn't want a massive fairy tale wedding but I did want a church wedding etc.

I'm going to say yes you are, based on your rocky start. That doesnt bode well in the longer term. I'd wait and see if those changes last a few years or if your OH reverts to type before hitching myself to him for good.

My DH and I got married when I was 19 and he was 25. We only knew each other for 6 months before we married. Our DD arrived 2 years later and DS a year after that. This year will be our 44th anniversary. It wasn't easy at times but we worked through it. I have school chums who married a year before me (18) and they are still married. Perhaps we were lucky or most probably we were too stubborn to leave.

Oh and I also don't think previous generations are comparable. Not only did people stick with terrible marriages, but they also died on average a lot earlier so their marriages were shorter. OP can you see yourself waking up to this man for the next sixty years?

If you're already living together and have a child then getting married is not going to change your life. If your relationship has survived having a child then you've got as good a chance as many older couples of making it work. I didn't marry until I was 26 (which seems young to me now ;) ) but I met DH when I was 18 and we're still together 25 years later.