My DS15 hates going to his dads and I don't know what to do

[archlight]

My DS 15 has gone to his dads every other weekend from the age of 2 (when we split) until now. He is now saying he hates going, it's boring, there is no WIFI?!

I think he needs to go anyway even if it's boring, it's his dad and he needs to keep in touch. His dad is a nice bloke.

I just feel so awkward with DDS moaning about staying with us at a weekend and his dad texting me asking if there is a problem? I do tell DS that he needs text his dad but he also feels guilty. So it is me left with having to explain why he doesn't want to go.

I'm hoping for nice replies as we have a good relationship, I just think it's teenagers that are difficult!

Surely your ex can't be that clueless? Can he genuinely not work out why there might be a problem?

If your ex is local then why not ask your DS to pop in and see him for an hour or two over the weekend just to keep in touch with his Dad? At 15 teens really don't want to be spending lots of time with parents, they'd rather be out and about with friends or doing some activity that connects to WiFi (gaming, phones etc). If his dad isn't prepared to make an effort then why should your DS? It's a two way street to maintain a relationship.

If you have a good relationship with your ex it won't harm you to have a chat with him. (You're with your son more and know him better). Then it's down to your ex to work out what to do with the information. - your son is still a child so making it all down to him will get a childish response of I don't want to go....which is to be expected. Does your son have any clubs to break up the weekend? - swimming? Football? Chess? Orchestra Etc Could he start one? Obviously he would need to commit to it each week. Can dad teach him chess? Monopoly? Could they start something together - train for a long bike ride over the summer? Try to swim a mile? As I said....once you've had the conversation then it's up to him to actually make it work. But....I don't think your husband getting broadband is the only answer.

Other pps are right, time for your ex to figure out how to sort this out.

A dongle could give him internet when he's there if you want a wifi solution?

I think I would have to spell it out to your ex so he can make a decision what to do about it.

I would mention the wifi and that he spends money on other things and Ds can see that.

I have a 15 year old and although he could and would be fine going without wifi for a few weekends, I couldn't imagine him doing it every weekend. Hell as an adult I couldn't be without it

What 15 yo would want to hang around with their parents all weekend. Even if you were both still together you would probably see little of him during the weekend. At that age they either want to socialise with friends or hang out in their room. Your DS and his DF need to work out a way to have contact which doesn't involve being there all weekend every weekend.

I mean every other weekend not every weekend. Sorry.

I have a 15 yr old and we still go out and do things quite a bit but more often then not dh or I are dropping her off to meet up with friends etc. However it's a bit different when visiting the non -resident parent surely? Precisely because the teen is not there for all the hum drum stuff during the week?

Surely it's not unreasonable to expect his dad to sort out one or two things that he and his son could do together during a we: pursue a shared interest, do a hobby (and get him Wi-Fi for helping reasons if nothing else)? Just something exclusively for them? It doesn't have to be expensive; tinkering with something in the garage?

Sorry but I don't buy the cluelessness: i f your ex has to be told to make this happen then he is either over-run with other responsibilities so too tired/too busy, a bit lazy, a bit thick, or is deliberately trying to make his home less inviting for his son! Sorry if that sounds rude op but if your ex genuinely wants a good relationship with his boy, then he needs to step up a bit and I'd tell him so!

Would he rather go one night midweek every week? I was thinking about my own teenage years with my separated dad and this would have worked better for us. Teenagers want to be with their friends at the weekend (online or offline!)

helping reasons = hwk reasons!

Same boat here except my ex is an arse. Ex’s gf uses the backdoor to get him to go - she’s messages my son’s girlfriend who is an absolute sweetheart and commits them to going. I leave my lad to it and support his choice either way.

Your ds is 15...if he doesnt want to go to dad on the weekend he shouldnt have to..he can arrange to see him other days.
He wants to be out etc with his mates. Between you both you can tell the dad.
My ds was the same it's not his home it's the new families...sort it now or he will resent his dad in future.. my ds has no contact with his dad now.

How would he feel about going if he had a phone contract with enough data to see him through the weekends, so he can keep in touch with his mates? If that's an option you can afford and he still doesn't want to visit at all then the issue is likely more deep seated than just lack of WiFi. Do you live close enough for a compromise to be feasible where he can do his normal weekend stuff on a Saturday but stay the night with his dad?

Agree that a 15 yr old will mainly want to spend time with his friends, but it's important for him to spend some time with his dad too, especially if he doesn't see him during the week, and it's important the lad feels wanted in his dad's home and that someone has made a bit of an effort for him.

Next time his Dad asks if there's a problem just say something like "Oh you know what teenagers are like,they're basically selfish and just want to spend all their time on their phones/xbox and hanging out with their friends,I hardly see him myself these days". And they maybe suggest that instead of having him the whole weekend he takes him out for a bite to eat every week or 2.That way they still get to have regular one to one contact, without you son having the chance to get bored.

I felt just like your DS when I was 14-15 years old. We went to my dad's EOW from the age of six and fuck me, it was boring. He didn't do anything with us, we just sat around in his house, which didn't have any of our stuff in it, he didn't like us seeing our friends or going to parties or anything on 'his time', yet he'd work Sat mornings, potter in the garden Sat afternoons, then help my DSM with Sunday lunch ... it was boring and we'd have much rather been at home. So what we did (and there were several of us shuttling back and forth, both siblings and step-siblings), we said we weren't doing it any more. It forced a complete re-think of the arrangement and after that our dad actually had to ring up and invite us over for something specific. So while we spent fewer hours at his house, the time we spent with him was 100% better. And as time wore on and we learned to drive, etc, we also rang him up and said 'Can I pop over for coffee or a walk or whatever'. It actually saved our relationship with him, which was crap after years of boring EOWs.

At 15 there are more important things to do than hang out with your parents. It’s just a fact of life. You can’t make him go, he’s of an age now where he has to make his own decisions.

Maybe your DS thinks it always has to be two full days or nothing with his dad when in reality it should start becoming dropping in for a few hours or going round for a takeaway and stuff like that now. The visits don't have to be days long.

I wouldn’t blame your son for being selfish to his selfish Dad.

Teens obviously can find time with parents boring. However,15 is such a crucial age for him to keep a relationship with his df going. If he stops going the distance between them will grow.

I know it's not your responsibility but as his dm I'd step in and talk to your ex, say it is fine not to have expensive cinema and bowling trips, but the least he should do is have WiFi so his ds can at least be in touch with his friends. Just be blunt, if he doesn't make this very small effort, his ds won't want to go. They feel they're missing out if they go off radar with group chats for a whole weekend.

I got a Saturday job at 15 so as to have a solid reason not to visit my dad. So I suppose you could say it was great for independence.... I think it's always been normal for older teens to want more time away from parents, even pre Wi-Fi.

Who the fuck doesn't have WiFi these days too???? Even my parents, in a rural area with notoriously crap connections, have WiFI!

At you sure 15 is not a typo and you meant to say 5?

You don't need to entertain 15 year olds, they go out and do their own thing and at 15 he should be able to drop in to his dad's when he wants.

He's growing up, let him make his own choices and parents reap what they show with their kids.

Your ex might be a nice bloke, but both you and your ds seem scared to communicate with him honestly, why is that? Sounds like you both feel guilty and responsible for his feelings. Does that ring true?

I think one of you needs to explain to him what the problem is. At 15 he doesn’t need to stay the whole week end, he could just pop in for dinner and then go and see his mates. Could that work?

Who the fuck doesn't have WiFi these days too???? Even my parents, in a rural area with notoriously crap connections, have WiFI!

People who see no need for it maybe?