Ex arranging activities for DS on our access weekend ?

[highheelsandheadheldhigh]

DH hasn't had regular access to DSS for nearly 7 weeks. Mother of his child being difficult, parental alienation. Currently in the process of legal action round access. Finally we get a weekend agreed F,S,S of this week. DH is obviously really excited as we seem to be turning a corner. Yesterday he was told that DSS has an 'activity' that he must attend on the Sat night between 6-7. She won't really be clear on what this is, neither will DSS.
We had already made plans, DH obviously said - look that doesn't suit etc etc. Now radio silence, AIBU to think it's not really up to them to decide what happens on our weekend.

“That’s fine. When and where, we’ll take him”

What BertrandRussell said. If he has a regular activity that he does at weekends then yes I think you should take him. It’s not DSS’s fault, why should he miss out.

How old is Ds and what is the activity. If it is something he wants to attend / a usual activity or something that benefits DS then I agree, you should take him.

If it’s not really important to DS then that’s probably a different conversation.

It's really important that adult issues don't get in the way of what your D'S needs. I'm assuming it's a birthday party or an activity he is involved in. I would try and facilitate as much as possible.

Depends what it is, though, doesn't it? It could be something running over consecutive weekends which DSS really wants to attend. Or something arranged around someone else's availability.
What have you arranged? Can it be shifted slightly or can you get back earlier? You're both supposed to be acting in the best interests of DSS, surely, not using him as a pawn in petty shows of dominance. If it's something irrelevant which could have been arranged another weekend, tell her you won't honour it next time.

You have to take him. I know a little girl who has no hobbies except an evening swimming lesson in the week because her mum and dad won't agree on taking her to a weekend dancing hobby she used to really enjoy. Dad wants to take her to something he thinks would be good on his weekend but a child can't participate in a serious hobby every other weekend. Sad really the child will never get to progress as they literally won't be taken to their classes

And don't get me started on parents who won't take the kid to parties on 'their' weekends/days. 'I only get him every other Saturday so I don't want to waste it hanging around some other kids party!' was uttered to me by a dad once last year. Ever thought you child might want to see their friends and join in, instead of being dragged around a shopping centre and bought a pile of expensive stuff every weekend?!

It may be 'your' weekend, but it's your DSS's life. He's not a possession.

That depends. If it's a class, birthday party etc, then you can take DSS.

If it's mum wanting him back home to do something insignificant, then it's her controlling the access in some way.

I therefore think @BertrandRussell reply is the best one!

Dss prior plans should be stuck too don’t become those nrp who ruin his weekends.

OP said they aren’t saying what the activity is or where

I’m assuming it’s simething his DMnwants to take him to

Your DH needs to okay her at her own game

Collect DS on Friday and work out Saturday as it when it happens

It's not a party or regular activity. Completely agree that if it was one of those things then it's a different story and of course we take him regularly to things like that. It's slap bang in the middle of a party for his cousin, that we are taking him to. Meaning that he can't attend that or will need to leave part way through. (No really possible mid meal) Which we've already agreed to going to and had agreed to? So we should just cancel our /his plans then?

Tell her you'll take him to her thing , then go to your thing and say something came up.

Please, if possible, take him/let him go.

My 15 year old has always been stopped from going to football/rugby matches, scouting events etc as it's his Dads weekend. At 15, whilst he loves his Dad and still sees him , he feels resentful that his Dad has always stopped him from doing the things he loved. It's really quite sad to see that his Dad didn't see how important these things were to DS

My exh was told straight by a judge to stop making plans for dc in my time. A relationship with a parent overrides any activity. Ds played footy alternative weeks. Totally acceptable and coach fully supportive. Exh just looked a dick when he lugged a bag of trophies into court tbh.

I think you need to find out what it is before you can decide which activity to prioritise in this instance.

If it’s a regular thing like a swimming lesson i’d agree but say as it’s late notice this week you can’t take him, but will make sure you won’t agree to anything that will clash in future.

It is shit when one parent won’t follow the childs activities. My stepdc used to ask to to various activities, dance, gymnastics etc. We’d find a class and sort it out, only for ex to say it interfered with their weekends —shopping— and not take them.

Helloitsmemargaret
It may be 'your' weekend, but it's your DSS's life. He's not a possession.

Nor is he a weapon that can be used against the NRP.

Find out what it is..

But absolutely I expect ex to take ds’s to his clubs, parties etc..
My children will not be the children who miss out because of us.

I would agree to take him. And then not take him.

“I would agree to take him. And then not take him.”
Blimey. Who cares wht the kid wants so long as you can get one over the other parent, eh?

DH is trying to find out what it is. But at the mere suggestion that we already have plans to take him to a party has been met with radio silence.
Agree 100% that if it was an activity etc it would be different. I took DSS to swimming for years when he was younger, every sat morning at 6:30am (hangover or not) when we used to have him every Thu, fri, sat. He was getting really good to squad level and our access pattern changed. She refused point blank to take him or let me take them and without consistency he fell away. I agree they he isn't a possession. But it's been a tough few weeks and DH was looking forward to time with him around us and our family which now feels is being manipulated, for a reason we are unclear on.

She won’t say what the activity is?? Is it a one-off or is it every Saturday? I’d say you should keep ds’s routine as much as possible. If it’s a club or something, he should go. He’d go if your dh was still with his ex, so he should take him now.

But it sounds as if the ex is just being awkward. In which case, say you have a bday party that ds has been invited to. Ask the ex to let you know in advance about any clubs/activities ds does at weekends, so you can take him.

I sympathise. Sounds like your h’s ex is being U.

Who cares wht the kid wants so long as you can get one over the other parent, eh?

Nothing to do with getting one over on the other parent. Everything to do with them having already made plans and carrying on with them.

Is Ex objecting to DH having him for the whole of the agreed access ie Friday, Saturday, Sunday because of the Saturday evening thing, or is she still intending DSS to be collected on Friday, and brought back on Saturday? Because if that is the case, she will surely have to tell you where she wants him dropped off. And you can then make a decision. I think that, personally, I would ask DSS which thing he preferred to do.