Ex arranging activities for DS on our access weekend ?

[highheelsandheadheldhigh]

DH hasn't had regular access to DSS for nearly 7 weeks. Mother of his child being difficult, parental alienation. Currently in the process of legal action round access. Finally we get a weekend agreed F,S,S of this week. DH is obviously really excited as we seem to be turning a corner. Yesterday he was told that DSS has an 'activity' that he must attend on the Sat night between 6-7. She won't really be clear on what this is, neither will DSS.
We had already made plans, DH obviously said - look that doesn't suit etc etc. Now radio silence, AIBU to think it's not really up to them to decide what happens on our weekend.

All we know is that DH will pick him up Friday as planned, then the rest is a mystery..... until DH agrees to it. It could be an hours drive away for all we know ! DSS might not want to go, it might be something he is desperately wanting to go to. He might not want to go but to stay at his friends/cousins pool party ?! Who knows .... manipulation at its finest. 'If you don't do as I say, you can't see him'

Clearly you're not obstructing a regular arrangement. That said, your DSS seems stuck in the middle - how old is he? I think you need to take your lead from him.

For me it got to exh offering ds to other dm's for tea with his school friends. He was trying to give ds's the view their relationship with me wasn't important. He even told school I was dead!
You need to nip this in the bud ime.

Such s shame she’s doing this, I think all you can do is pick him and judge from there, and get a court order ASAP

I would agree, pick him up as usual then ask DSS what he wants to do as its his time with his dad

DH found out - it's a working bee at her church. DSS doesn't want to go but His mum says he's being disrespectful if he doesn't.

@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon why didnt you let him play on your weekends?

I think it is so sad when children miss out on normal parts of childhood because their parents are separated

Op- clearly he can miss this activity though now you have found out what it is! His mum is being ridiculous!

Could you contact the vicar of her church. Explain that ds will be unable to attend and apologise. I'm guessing the priest will be fine with that, then you can tell her that it's all sorted.

The mum sounds like a pita but in the interest of trying to prevent her from blocking access I’d offer a compromise. How about he goes to your family party on Sat but you’ll take him to church Sun morning?
Shouldn’t disrupt your weekend too much then as you’ll have the rest of Sunday free to do what you want before he’s returned.
I say this as an atheist btw but if church is important to your sons dm then no doubt she’s bringing him up that way and it might help relations to be seen to be supportive and willing to compromise?

I guess DH isn't feeling very flexible after being prevented from seeing him for so long. I doubt he wants to drag DSS out early on a Sunday to attend something that suits her. But I see where your coming from.

From the other side, I run a dance school and the amount of children I have had that have had to give up their beloved dance classes when their parents split up is unreal, usually because the other parent wont bring them to class.

My Ex H is the same with my own kids - we don't have a court order in place (his choice) and he has missed out on lots of weekends with his kids over the years because he didn't want to include their activities or take them to parties they had been invited to.
Ultimately its the children who miss out.

I lived 30 miles away from the football ground. Ds has siblings which he didn't see also. No issue with his team and alternative weeks. Family time matters more than footy according to a judge. And I agree. Ds had no issue with it at all.
Oh and dc are nc with df now for trying to turn them against me and neglect and physical abuse.

I agree @dancinfeet I think it is appalling that children miss out on sports and hobbies because one parent refuses to take them. They are so important to mental health and self esteem and indeed to physical health.
My ex is an abusive arse but even her takes the kids to their classes on his weekend

If it was a sport or hobby dss actually wanted to do, of course you should take him. An activity important to his mother that he doesn't want to go to? I don't think so.
It sounds like she is just trying to disrupt your weekend deliberately. If she was being reasonable she'd have said upfront about the activity, but trying to tell you he has to do something and not tell you what it is shows she knows she's being akward. Given relationships are frosty I'm not sure how you deal with it without causing more trouble, you're in a no win situation anyway.

DH found out - it's a working bee at her church. DSS doesn't want to go but His mum says he's being disrespectful if he doesn't.

Keep up with the thread people.

How old is DSS? old enough to decide if he wants to go to church or to a meal

What the hell is a church working bee?!

I’m with the majority that the child’s activities should be prioritised where possible.

Given the context and the type of one off activity this seems to be and the timing... sounds like she’s causing trouble.

The church working bee is not more important than a relationship with his father. I reiterate that I would tell her that he would take him but then just do your thing instead it's not as if the relationship with ex can get any worse. I might have missed this but have you been to court to get contact formalised?

A church working Bee verses a family party with Dad he doesn't get to see very often. No contest. Mother is trying to weaponize contact, tell her he wont be able to make the church thing and if needed contact the priest directly.

Oh I totally the church thing is missable.

But in a general sense hobbies should be respected by both parents post separation.

I agree with CheeseCakeSunflowers. Send your apologies to the vicar. That way mom and son aren't at fault for son being unavailable for the church event. It might go some way to smoothing things over even if it's a face-saving thing for mom. Idk if her church is quite strict or likely to make life awkward for her and son just because son has a perfectly reasonable prior engagement.

Insisting on the church thing is weird and very controlling. Especially as Your DSS doesn’t want to go to it.

I don’t agree that ‘family time’ (for one parent) comes before a child’s interests and activities. Children’s choices, interests and social lives do matter.

I often organise things for DS2 that fall on his dad’s weekends. They’re always things DS wants to do, and usually are related to his time-consuming love of swimming. He always wants to do the gala if he’s been selected. Always.

I’m sorry your DSS’s ex wasn’t supportive of this OP. My DS’s dad was really not supportive of the swimming (because frankly all the training is a pain in the arse). He kept insisting that it was me forcing him to do it. DS recently told him, in no uncertain terms, that it’s not me making him (because, obviously, I really love Friday nights and early Saturday mornings hanging around pools). It’s him that wants to do it and he loves it. He’s got loads of friends in his squad (and the ones either side) and he even enjoys training. And he has ambitions of glory. 😆

This seems to have made a difference, as ex has now bought him a whole set of kit (minus the expensive goggles and racing jammers) for his house, which means less equipment swapping. It’s sad that DS had to make a big fuss (and involve his grandparents to help him) to get his dad to stop trying to persuade him out of something he loves just because taking him to training is inconvenient.

I wouldn't waste time engaging with the mum or say a word about your plans. That will potentially make you come across as unreasonable and as if you are making DSS's time be all about your/yourDH's wants. Just simply say, 'ok cool, we'll accommodate whatever DSS wants.' And keep saying that, don't be engaged into any further discussion. Then at the weekend, give you DSS his options and make it clear to him that you will do as he wants.

That way you are both sending him the message that his needs come first and you will not engage in silly power games. He could decide to do the church thing, even if only because he's the one who has to live with his DM the majority of the time and he doesn't want to live with the consequences of not going. And that will feel like you 'lost' this power game. But in the long run DSS will appreciate the parent who made his needs and wants central in the dispute, not the people who got hung up on what they wanted, their rights and winning against the other.