DM making me feel bad for not prioritising her?

[erja]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or a terrible daughter but I don't think I am!!!

My whole childhood was always just me and DM, no siblings and no father around. I became a young mum, so I probably moved out and started my only life earlier than she anticipated.

I run my own home, have a toddler, have a DP, work and study. We have a fairly busy life and we are very structured with it.

I believe I still spend a reasonable amount of time with DM. I message her pretty much all day sometimes. Speak on the phone about 4 times a week (15 minute ish calls). I probably see her about twice a week (maybe 3 hours in total?). It isn't a lot in comparison to what we used to be like but she can't expect it to stay the same, can she?

Anyway, over the past couple of months she's started making digs about how I never make an effort, always too busy with my own life, about how she used to call her mum every single night after I've gone to bed. She was even laughing about how she was bitching with an old friend about me never making an effort with her. She makes comments to my DS about how 'mummy needs to bring you to mine more too!' when she's visiting us- (I usually bring him every 2-3 weekends, I and she work all weekdays and she usually stops by here on the weekends in between!). She keeps making comments about how I don't care about our relationship anymore and make no effort to keep the strength of it going, and comments like, 'oh, I probably haven't told you yet, I never get to speak to you properly anymore!'

AIBU for this to start really annoying me now?

Tell her if she carries on slagging you off then ok we'll look at what never bothering with her looks like if she's adamant you don't.

YANBU, she sounds very dependant on you. It's not normal or expected for adults to call their parents every night. Has she not got much else on in her life? Friends/hobbies/commitments? It's unfair for her to expect you to fulfil all her emotional needs.

@Sparklesocks no, I think that's the problem. No close friends, no other family, no partner.

You are an adult with your own responsibilities to the next generation, not a house pet. She needs to get a kitten.

Has anything changed in your mother's life in the last few months since all this started, OP?

YANBU to be annoyed, I don't know why people think your mother's kind of passive-aggressive behaviour ever works tbh.

That is a difficult scenario, she's basically needing you to meet all of her needs as she hasn't got fulfilment elsewhere. Even if you weren't busy with a family/work I doubt you could be enough.
Is there any way you can encourage her to maybe join a club/class, like cooking? WI? Choir etc? Or is she too stuck in her ways do you think?
A cat or a dog also might be a nice companion for her.

@Sparklesocks she's got 5!

No you're not unreasonable,I think she's having trouble accepting the changes in both of your lives and is dependent on you.

You say she works so that keeps her busy but what about outside of that?,is she very sociable?,does she see friends/have a partner/have a hobbie etc?

How old is your mother? You say you are a young mum with a toddler, so this would indicate you are in your twenties or early thirties? So mother is what- fifties? sixty? Not elderly in her eighties/nineties?
She chosen to make you ‘her whole life’. Her choice, not yours.
You are not solely responsible for her happiness.
You have more contact with her than most people have with their parents at this time in their lives. I’m mid sixties, my DC live over a hundred miles away. We text/phone a couple of times a week and see each other about once a month. They have their lives, I have mine, we love each other dearly but not suffocatingly.

@FadedRed she's almost 40. Nowhere near elderly!!!

No YANBU. Sorry if this is a sweeping generalisation, but I think that sometimes when parents stay on their own for the DC whole childhood they become dependent on the child.

My mum is like this! She gets annoyed and makes "jokes" when my life is going well and she's not the be all and end all. Following for advice also

That is seeing her a lot though! No she can’t expect it to stay the same as your lives have changed. She does sound very dependent on you too. Of course those type of remarks are going to become annoying when you feel like you’re doing all you can with the time, responsibilities and schedule that you all have. Have you told her that you are doing all you can and those digs aren’t funny and are really annoying you now?

I'd say you are in too much contact. She's much younger than me and yet she's got no mates and no hobbies. She's using you as a substitute for getting her own life. I'd wind it back tbh. What do you even talk about?

She’s in her thirties?!

She must have been pretty young herself when she had you. 40 is young enough to get herself a partner and start over if she wanted! I remarried at 39 had my 4th DC at 44!

I was gonna suggest getting a small dog like a Chihuahua for her, but she already has 5! lol. Dating... would she consider internet dating?

YADNBU OP as she's far too reliant on you which isn't healthy for her (or you).

40 is also young enough for a career change/new job, studying, anything really these days. More children! I'm kidding, but you know what I mean...

Since you were an only child, your mum probably depended on you as it was just you two for so many years. She probably misses this and can't accept you've moved on now.

I agree with other posters that she should look for a partner or make some new friends/get some new hobbies. She needs to start living her life and let you live yours.

Suggest she has another child and does a better job next time on bringing up an eternal child rather than an independent adult like yourself ;-)

She needs to get a life. Really. She could be around for another 40 years. You cannot be the sole focus of her existence. That will destroy both of you.

She is being utterly unreasonable. My dad (widowed) is twice her age and I see less of him than you do of your mum.

I think you should cut down a bit on the contact, OP. She is relying on you too much and your priorities should be your own life and your family.

It will be hard for your mum at first, but she really needs a boot up the backside.

And I say that as an aging single mother.

You are making WAY more time for her than most people manage for their parents. I would be quite plain in telling her that if she goes tattling around telling people you neglect her, it will only alienate you.

Btw your mother is younger than me, so I feel qualified to say there is no excuse for her not to go out and get a life instead of leaning on you.

She became dependent on you as a proxy partner in life and got all her emotional affirmation from you. Now she is unable to accept that that is not your function, and should never have been your function. Parents should not lean on their children to fulfil their emotional needs.

It has taken her years to build up those psychological habits. She will fight any change to the status quo with a great degree of tenacity,

You need to be firm, and you need to withdraw a little from time to time and then she will need to learn to be her own emotional keeper and not to expect you to prioritise her needs over your own or those of your children and your relationship with your DP.

You need to expect that she will kick up a mighty fuss though,

It sounds like she is struggling with not being needed by you any more. Also like she wants to be the centre of your world like you are hers. She might even be a bit envious that you are so busy with motherhood, partner, studying, working etc. You are making being a young mum work and maybe she wishes she was as successful as you. I think it's really important that she develops other interests, as PP have suggested. You sound like a lovely daughter who is trying really hard to keep a good relationship going with your mum but ultimately you have a lot going on in your own life. You are not 14 year old BFFs, you have adult stuff to be getting on with and you can't be with your mum every minute and don't feel guilty about that either! This is your mum's problem, not yours, you are doing more than most girls I know, myself included, and I have a great relationship with my mum.

The amount of times I try and light-heartedly encourage dating/going out socialising is ridiculous! She says she's happy on her own, doesn't believe in internet dating, doesn't like nights out. I think after spending so many years on her own (or with the wrong partners), it's what she needs and is subconsciously looking for - but she doesn't agree and says a relationship is the last thing on her mind. She's had several career changes over the past couple of years. She's talked for almost a year about starting hobbies like yoga etc but she's very introverted and spends most of her time off just on her own at home!