DM making me feel bad for not prioritising her?

[erja]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or a terrible daughter but I don't think I am!!!

My whole childhood was always just me and DM, no siblings and no father around. I became a young mum, so I probably moved out and started my only life earlier than she anticipated.

I run my own home, have a toddler, have a DP, work and study. We have a fairly busy life and we are very structured with it.

I believe I still spend a reasonable amount of time with DM. I message her pretty much all day sometimes. Speak on the phone about 4 times a week (15 minute ish calls). I probably see her about twice a week (maybe 3 hours in total?). It isn't a lot in comparison to what we used to be like but she can't expect it to stay the same, can she?

Anyway, over the past couple of months she's started making digs about how I never make an effort, always too busy with my own life, about how she used to call her mum every single night after I've gone to bed. She was even laughing about how she was bitching with an old friend about me never making an effort with her. She makes comments to my DS about how 'mummy needs to bring you to mine more too!' when she's visiting us- (I usually bring him every 2-3 weekends, I and she work all weekdays and she usually stops by here on the weekends in between!). She keeps making comments about how I don't care about our relationship anymore and make no effort to keep the strength of it going, and comments like, 'oh, I probably haven't told you yet, I never get to speak to you properly anymore!'

AIBU for this to start really annoying me now?

Jesus she sounds like my mam.Shes jealous of you and trying to put you down.Shes 40,im 45 and I'd never go on like this to my adult sons.

You need to get a bit more distance ,like move to Australia😂😂.No you need to nip this in the bud,it'll only get worse.

@Holidayshopping yep, in her 30s!!

Honestly I’d just tell her every time, mum, I’m sorry but it’s not my job to babysit you and entertain you.

If she whinges or moans or gets little digs in I would say, when you do that it makes me want to stay away. I’m not going to come over if all you’re going to do is get digs in like that.

Push back, gently but firmly, every time. And stop making helpful suggestions about what she should do in her life - that is her responsibility to work out and you’re playing into the mother-daughter reversal she’s doing by being parental in your approach to it and to her.

Thank you for everyone's advice on this one!

You are definitely not a bad daughter OP but I feel quite sad for your mum. We all want our children to grow up to be strong and independant and manage their own lives, but the "empty nest" syndrome and realising that the stage in your life where you are so important to your child is over is quite difficult to adjust to. Your mum was a very young mum herself and I imagine it must have been quite a challenge for her to bring up a child on her own and she has maybe sacrificed other areas in her own life to do so. Yes, you definitely should establish your own life and she does need to find a new direction herself (and is more than young enough to do so). But perhaps it will take a bit of time, lots of chats, mutual love and support before you can both do so happily and successfully?

@Tigerpaws57 - are you OPs mum?

My friend's mum acts like yours but she's 84 and recently widowed which is a very different situation!

My friend's mum acts like yours but she's 84 and recently widowed which is a very different situation!

Charley50 err no. What an odd comment.

Blimey, my mum is mid-80s with shite mobility & is less dependent. Would drive me batty.

Sorry Tiger, I just think you are putting the responsibility for her DM's well-being back onto the OP, with your talk of sacrifices made. None of the decisions her DM made are the OP's responsibility and it's wrong for her DM to guilt-trip her into seeing her all the time. It will only drive her away.

I have been through this with my own mum for the last 30 years! She is incredibly shy and has been unable to build her own social circles. It's a completely different dynamic to spending time with a parent who has their own life as well as their children.