DD’s dad FaceTiming later than arranged

[WalkersNonsuch]

I’m very punctual myself to the point of maybe having slight anxiety about punctuality and arrangements so not sure if IABU or not.

Two and half year old DD’s father has asked to FaceTime her once a week at a regular time/day (he could call more often if he wanted but this is all he has asked for)

He often calls up to twenty minutes late without any prior explanation which I find inconvenient as I am always waiting, on time, in a suitable part of the house (my current DP understandably doesn’t want to be visible on the call) and we have to work it around our dinner and the beginning of DD’s bedtime routine. So although twenty minutes is not that long, it’s a long time to be sitting around in one spot of the house trying to keep DD still and means we’re later doing bathtime etc. Plus I think it’s just rude and disrespectful to be late.

When I’ve asked him to please call on time as it interferes with our evening he goes “it’s only 20 minutes!” or similar and acts as though I’m being overly fussy.

AIBU?

Yes you are a bit. He should do it as much as possible when he says but how hard is it to move when the call comes through. You dont need to be sitting waiting.

Don't answer if it's more than 15 minutes? Say she has tea at X and bed at y time and that's that?

I don't understand why you would sit and wait like that? Just move when the call comes through.

It sounds like he does it on purpose to wind you up so he can claim you are the unreasonable one. In reality its his child he keeps waiting.

Ask him if he needs to make the time 15 minutes later so as to avoid disappointing his DD. He's teaching her she isn't that important.

I think you're being a little pedantic tbh. It's a mobile phone after all.

Just pop the telly on . Let him know if he hasn’t called by ... I will be starting bedtime routine

Yeah I just wouldn't sit and wait. Carry on with your day but have the call audible. If it's too late it's too late.

I think your dp could put up with being visible unless there's a massive drip feed!

If it’s not convenient when he calls then don’t answer but perhaps send a message explaining dd is busy.
Don’t sit around waiting for his calls though. If dd is free when he calls just move to the room where she needs to be.

I wouldn't take the call after the allocated time or tell dd he will be ringing.

That way you don’t have an upset child as she isn’t aware he will be ringing.

Can you not just carry on with your day, and then move to the suitable part of the house when you see the call?

I don't understand why you would sit and wait like that? Just move when the call comes through.
This,

Ex calls dc everyday, sometimes they are eating dinner, no biggie just call back later or chat through dinner.
Just like I ring them when they are with him, sometimes at different times.
We try to accommodate each other

Change it so you FaceTime him?

Why doesn’t dp want to be visible?

Why don't you call? On time.

20 minutes sitting waiting for a call would drive anyone mad but why do you have to sit and wait for it? If you are using a desktop that has been set up in a specific room - just ask him for a quick text to alert you and then make your way to the room to receive the call.

Just get him to text before he calls and then you can go get into position.

Hello, thanks all, yes I never tell DD that he is going to be ringing, for that reason, but obviously she’ll understand more as she gets older. I suffered with an unreliable father myself so maybe I’m particularly sensitive to it on her behalf. I hate the thought of her feeling she’s not important enough for him to value her time.

I get what you’re saying about just carry on as normal and just move when he rings but it’s quite easy to miss the call unless you’re looking directly at the phone or carrying it so it’s still annoying to be waiting and I can’t really relax until he’s called.

I think it’s pretty understandable that my DP doesn’t particularly want to be visible in the background of a FaceTime call with my ex when he’s trying to relax in the evening tbh.

The ‘phone box’ idea is brilliant!

Or I could call myself, that’s true.

You sound a bit controlling.

Bearing in mind most 4 year olds can use an iPad. Just give it to your child and let them get in with it. No need for you to be hanging around, listening in.

Getting him to text so you don't miss the call seems reasonable. As she gets older she would understand that he texts when he is able to face time and wouldn't be upset if he missed a call

I think YAB a bit U. I get its important to have consistency but 20 mins is not really a long time. My partner has a similar set up with his daughter as she lives abroad and he and his ex wife just communicate as to when they are both ready for the call.

It's helpful to have flexibility both ways, it means if your daughter has a party or such in the future you can move her allocated time slot. If you want to be regimented on when the call happens then you are just restricting your own flexibility too.

I do think it’s rude to be 20 mins late! But maybe he doesn’t realise you’re sitting waiting.

If just tell him that if he hasn’t rang by x time (15 mins after he’s said he would) then she’ll be in the bath/having bedtime story and it won’t be convenient.

20 mins is not really a long time.

It is a huge amount of time to sit around, doing nothing but occupy a 2.5 year-old, when there's no good reason for it, other than the other person doesn't care how much they fuck you around.

Which is why she shouldn't do it. I would tell him that he's guaranteed to get though between the appointed time and five minutes later, but that there will be no special effort to look out for the call otherwise. After the appointed time, I would make no concessions to facilitating the call. Not necessarily be in the same room as the phone/ipad, for example.

Actually, making the call herself would make the most sense. Since it's only at her end that the time apparently matters, it should be her that chooses the exact moment.