DD’s dad FaceTiming later than arranged

[WalkersNonsuch]

I’m very punctual myself to the point of maybe having slight anxiety about punctuality and arrangements so not sure if IABU or not.

Two and half year old DD’s father has asked to FaceTime her once a week at a regular time/day (he could call more often if he wanted but this is all he has asked for)

He often calls up to twenty minutes late without any prior explanation which I find inconvenient as I am always waiting, on time, in a suitable part of the house (my current DP understandably doesn’t want to be visible on the call) and we have to work it around our dinner and the beginning of DD’s bedtime routine. So although twenty minutes is not that long, it’s a long time to be sitting around in one spot of the house trying to keep DD still and means we’re later doing bathtime etc. Plus I think it’s just rude and disrespectful to be late.

When I’ve asked him to please call on time as it interferes with our evening he goes “it’s only 20 minutes!” or similar and acts as though I’m being overly fussy.

AIBU?

Depends on the context and reason. Is it due to laziness, controlling tendencies? Or is he stuck in traffic on the way home from work, can’t guarantee what time he finishes work etc. Might be him, might be you...

I think YANBU, slightly different situation but DSs dad frequently brings DS home half an hour late, because he’s bringing him back quite late in the day anyway it complete messes up our bedtime routine. I’d say arrange it so you call him, call him at the exact time and if he doesn’t pick up or doesn’t call back within a certain amount of time (day 5-10 mins) then it’s cancelled til the next time. If you can put aside the time and be ready at the exact time, then he should also be able to!

That should say ‘SAY 5-10 mins’ oops

@NorthernSpirit she’s two and it’s my iPhone not an iPad

When did the child suddenly become 4? The post says 2.5 so far too young to be calling on her own. If DF wants to call each day then he needs to do so on time. I'd give 10 mins grace and then say sorry DD is getting ready for bed now etc. Don't stay around waiting for him and letting it interfere with your evening every day. It's he's unable to stick to the time then perhaps daily isn't appropriate.

I’d add in a bit of flexibility if he messages you in advance saying ‘sorry can’t call til XX time’ with a reasonable excuse and it’s not a ridiculous time, otherwise anything more than 10 mins late and it doesn’t get answered

Yes thanks everyone, I think I’ll make an effort to look at the phone at the allotted time and 5 mins after then after that if I notice the call I’ll pick it up and if not then I won’t. I am very flexible to changes of arrangement with notice btw, just hate waiting with no explanation from him. I don’t think it’s fair to say I’m controlling as the time and day and frequency were chosen by him. He doesn’t work anywhere near that time so it’s not work making him late for the call. He's always had a blasé attitude to timekeeping and l hate the thought of DD’s feelings being hurt by that.

I always give 10 mins grace as DD's dad is a unreliable sod, if hes not called by then message say sorry shes going to bed now you'll have to call tomorrow
He needs to fit around her, not her fit around him!

@NorthernSpirit

A 2.5 year old should just be on the iPad without assistance...?

Tbh I think many of the people saying you are BU are people that don’t have arse hole exes. My ex was like this he’d call self or he’d call late. It is frustrating particularly when you have a young child and routine is impotent you. You don’t relax until the call has happened because you feel you can’t go and get started on something else because it may be cut short by the call.
When I the older dc were in primary school we had a lot to pack in homework, swimming, clubs and by not sticking to the time he himself had suggested he would call at awkward times and sometimes the dc were aware he was calling and want to talk to him. I ended up giving him a window of x minutes before or after and out with that I wouldn’t answer because we would be busy. He eventually got it. It’s even better now they are both teenagers so he just FaceTimes them directly now I don’t even have to look at him.

The thing is, unless you have an impeccable internal clock, calling right on time means waiting around clock-watching. People will do that in a professional setting, but outside of that I think we all generally give each other some leeway.

The loudest volume setting on phones these days is pretty impossible to miss if you have it on you or nearby. Just turn your phone all the way up when your expecting a call, get on with things, and move when you get the call. Call him back a minute later if you don’t want to rush when his call comes in.

Alternatively just check your phone every 15 minutes or so and call back when you see he’s called.

I do think it’s a bit odd your DP is so bothered about being seen in the background. If you set it up so your ex can see a wide shot of the room the whole time, then ok, but surely he’s mostly just seeing a close up of your dd’s face and could only catch a quick glimpse of your DP. I wouldn’t be going off to a separate room just to avoid that, and I think your DD will notice the awkwardness of that much more than a 20 minute delay as she gets older.

@LooksBetterWithAFilter totally relate to what you’re saying!