To issue toilet tickets

[pineapplebryanbrown]

We have one toilet, which is inside the bathroom.

Every time I walk upstairs to use the loo some fucker is in the toilet. I am much quicker at using the loo than the rest of the family.

I'm sick of it and I'm going to start issuing time slots and punch cards. Or have the toilet electrified and anyone who goes over their 5 minutes gets a nasty shock.

I removed the bolt from the door. Allegedly so the kids couldn't lock themselves in accidentally while small - but in reality it's so if DH tries to do one of his 20 minute poo marathon sessions, the kids will just go in and be so bloody irritating he'll give up trying to contemplate the meaning of life/BBC sport website on his phone and get out of there to escape the barrage of small child questions on if unicorns need to go to the toilet, or why don't the Paw Patrol do dog poos or whatever.

I am so relieved that our house has two toilets. There are still four of us living at home, five when DD1 visits.

I know that even when eventually it is just DH and I, I will never be able to go back to a property with only one toilet.

Can you not rig up the toilet to be an ejector seat? With a remote control you could then make it spring up and chuck the culprit out of the window once their time is up.

Growing up we only had one toilet, family of 4, it was normal then. I guess having your kids standing at the door saying ‘I NEED to go, hurry up Dad’ focussed my Dad’s mind! Not much fun to go in afterwards though 🤢. It was just life so you didn’t think about it. These days, I’d move heaven and earth to get another toilet put in, in that situation. If you absolutely can’t, then do as spartacus suggested, pipe in classical music, definitely the cruelest option suggested so far.

Also, ewwwwwwwww, to books, phones etc being taken in there, NO WAY, it’s disgusting.

3 minutes for a shit, 1 for a pee, any more is just selfish.

Efficiency is the key.

It sounds like you could do with a second toilet, OP, would that be a possibility for you? It's often not difficult to find space for a downstairs toilet these days.

Until July last year we were 5 people and 1 loo. I feel your pain. We were no lock on the bathroom door. Dad timed his - usually till we were on the school run. Now we are 4 loos!!!!!!! It is amazing. Good luck with the toilet tickets...I think it's a good system but to get full buy in I think you need to design an app to manage it.

Turn your toilet seat into an ejector seat.

Go through the loft and put a skylight in directly above the toilet. When anyone has had their allotted time you press a button which slowly retracts the skylight, warning the toilet hogger of impending doom, giving them a minute to finish. If they are not out by the time the skylight has opened you then press the button for the ejector seat.

All buttons will be wired into the arm of a nice comfy armchair you can activate from the comfort of your sitting room, accessible only by recognition of your fingerprints so it can't be used by someone else against you.

We are a family of 6, thankfully have 2 toilets, but we can still have queues forming. When all 4 boys arrive home from school at the same time, a common occurrence, there is often a rush for the toilets. Unfortunately ds1 only likes the upstairs bathroom (connected with his ASD and the shape of the rooms) so he tends to get priority over the upstairs, youngest can't 'hold it in' as long as ds2 and ds3 so they still tend to let him use the downstairs toilet first. If they all need to go at the same they are all considerate of each other and know to be as quick as possible anyway.

I tend to go before I go to do the school pick up, I have learned!

When anyone has had their allotted time you press a button which slowly retracts the skylight, warning the toilet hogger of impending doom, giving them a minute to finish.

I thought you might be going Star Wars trash compactor with this one...

I feel your pain, there's 6 of us and 1 toilet.

I always ask in an over the top way if they're ok, or do they need a doctors appointment to have a check up on their bottom or penis as I'm sooooooo concerned about the amount of time they take in the toilet. They love me!

Still doesn't bloody stop them though. (And it's only a certain 2 out of the 6 of us who spends an annoying amount of time in there) Maybe I should make that's doctors appointment?

Ah, Cassandra from the Adrian Mole books! Isn't she the one who went through her kids' books and changed "Winnie the Pooh" to "Winnie the Shit"?

I had some in-laws (a long time ago) who were very proud of having moved their outside toilet inside. It was on the landing at the top of the stairs, in a little cupboard, with a door that had a gap at the bottom and at the top, and no handbasin of course. There was no way I could use it.

@MsVanillaRoseAuntof7 That's the one, changing them to Winnie the Shit, saying she hated ambiguity. She also said, in total seriousness:

"He's not fat, he dimensionally challenged."
"You're not going bald, you're follicularly disadvantaged."
And Adrian wrote that she was as ugly as sin, or as she might put it, facially impaired.

Adrian Mole boasted of a mahogany lavatory seat, to the disquiet of his environmental-fanatic manager; and in a later book, owned a lavatory with glass brick walls, so that the user's dim outline could be seen by other people in the flat.

I'm extremely lucky. We have 4, spread out around the house, and I want to fit an outside toilet when we landscape the garden.
I'm hoping it will save people traipsing through the house when we're hosting BBQs, etc, in the summer.

Everyone seems to use my bathroom though, which drives me up the wall.
I've got the biggest bath (2m long, 90cm wide), and everyone else wants to use it even though they've got their own baths (admittedly smaller ones).
I'm thinking of charging £2 a time to use my bath in future, what do you think?

In desperate times, my husband & son have gone for a pee in the garden. Goodness knows what the neighbours must think! 5 of us with one loo is a bit much.

We’ve only got one in a house of 5. We’ve got a bloody big house too but it’s old as fuck and the bathroom is an extension as it is. We should really put one in under the stairs but then where would I dump all my crap? (pun not intended)

I just shout and make it uncomfortable for the toilet user so they hurry up. The boys have peed down the drain outside before in desperate times.

My partner came in tonight while I was having a lovely bath and peed, our bathroom is huge but he had clearly drank too much coffee and I borked pretty much until I got out. Hell.

All males to wee outside will help. Also keep foxes away, win/win!

Yep, one loo, 5 people; straight after school is the worst time when everyone needs to go at the same time....and I'm not sure how they get through so much loo roll; I've threatened to give everyone their own roll to see who the waster is.....

I hate to ruin everyone's dreams of multiple toilets but we have 5 and still have the same issue. People have their favourite toilet and then only want to use that one. And then people want to take a 20 minute shit in the bathroom that has 3 people's toothbrushes in. Some people are disgusting piss monsters and urinate all over the toilet seat and Normal People don't want to use that toilet. Other people don't want other people to use their favourite toilet. Some people do eyewateringly stinking shits which take a toilet out of action for hours.

It's not the solution. Individual ensuites and a guest self-cleaning cubicle are.

"How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing! For us, it is a mundane and functional item; for you, it is the basis of an entire culture!"

And MN is no exception, given how much toilets are discussed on here.

One toilet in a house? It's positively victorian

FFS. Lots of houses have one toilet / bathroom.