To feel a bit unappreciated?

[EyebagsOnLegs]

Its a long one, I need to rant before I burst!!
I had my OH’s babe 10 months ago and look after him and my 10yo almost exclusively. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, appointments, you name it. He helps with the big shop because I can’t drive due to disability, but he complains a lot. If something needs getting in the week that’s up to me too. He’s never done a night feed and has done maybe 5 nappies. I have to wait until he’s ready to watch the baby so I can ask to use the toilet. I prepare lunches and uniforms at fucking midnight holding an unhappy, teething baby. I’ve just gone and got this “grown man” a blanket (from the blanket box, not hiding!) because he was cold.

Please remember though that he had to put a bottom sheet on the bed this evening before his early night of uninterrupted sleep 🙏🏻 1 like = 1 prayer 🙏🏻

I’ve been paying for a gym membership for 3 months that I can’t even go to because he won’t watch the baby for half hour across the road in a cafe, when I’ve promised to come straight away if needed. He goes 3 or more times twice a week and moans if my cooking makes him late 🙃 He blames me for losing his socks and pants so I told him to do his own washing. He doesn’t do it for weeks. And he’s still got no socks and pants - which is still my fault.

He does fucking nothing with the kids and it’s up to me to organise and plan their birthdays, he doesn’t even care to know what’s happening.

All DIY is me too.

He criticises my every move.

I do it all without grumbling. With several chronic illnesses that make just surviving difficult and painful. (Sounds dramatic but very true).

And he’s just informed me that we’re not doing Valentines this year.

Right. What?

I’ll start by saying I’m the least materialistic person on the planet. Lidl have daffodils for 99p and I’d be over the moon with that and a cheap card. Just so I can be thought of for once. I’ve bought his present already. It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back with me. He just said it in conversation, casually. I thought he’d think more of me for all I do but I’m clearly unimportant.

Am I unreasonable or am I a fucking mug for allowing it for 5 years?

You’re a mug for allowing it for 5 years! Seriously? What is his reason for not doing valentine’s this year?

Assume the 10yo isn't his, because surely nobody would be dumb enough to repeat the exercise if he was that unsupportive first time around..?

How did you allow yourself to end up like this?

5 years?! You’re a fucking mug indeed. But you already know that.

Question is - when are you going to dump him? Not if or whether. It’s definitely when. So yes - when are you dumping him?

Go out with ur friends. Girly anti valentines . Leave him with kids . Drop it on him and walk. Out. Come back after u are truly partied out . Come home , don’t wash his clothes , cook his food or anything of his . Obviously do do your own kids things. Find other ways of dropping housework on him . Go away to your family for a few weekends and leave him with the kids ...

You will hopefully get. Where this is going . Make him realise what you do x

A “bit” unappreciated? A BIT? From the sounds of it you’re extremely unappreciated in this scenario :O

I feel a bit unappreciated when DH gets a little bit of a mood on for asking him to grab one of our twins the second he gets home from work because he ‘needs’ 30 minutes at least to decompress (when do I get to decompress? Is my equally moody reply lol) but he gets stuck in regardless and his moodiness quickly evaporates after big smiles and giggles from DD or DS... if he were anywhere near being like your OH I’d first give him a serious conversation about how much you do and his behaviour is selfish, at best...

What worries me is all of what you’ve put - particularly the “he criticises my every move” comment, sounds more like he’s controlling and emotionally abusing you... my EXP before I met DH was a lot like you have described and I got out 6 years into our relationship, which left me financially ruined, but no children so I can’t offer any comment there.

Suffice to say you’ll get a lot of LG I’ve him his marching orders” advice which is nice in that you are wholeheartedly supported, but isn’t as easy as others make it out to be.

For me - it took several people identifying my EXP’s behaviour to me (I was so under his thumb I couldn’t even see it) and I started to ask myself “is this how I want to spend my life” whenever his negative behaviour started up, eventually I convinced myself to leave. This may not be your case at all, but it’s ringing alarm bells for me and I just wanted to offer this experience just in case.

I’m sorry you’re having such a horrible time with somebody who is meant to be your Partner (emphasis on the meaning of this word), if you wish to chat privately please feel free to message me.

Good luck OP - I hope he’s just a childish part who comes around after you tell him like it is .

*”Give him his marching orders” - DOH!

Also, whilst leaving EXP left me financially screwed, it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I now have a very loving and sometimes bratty DH (he’s only human after all lol - and I’m far from perfect!), two beautiful babies that have him wrapped around their fingers already (third on the way ) and whilst we have our fair share of difficulties - I couldn’t be happier xx

DS1 isn’t his because I left his dad for being exactly the same, ended up in a hostel and a single parent for 4 years so why can I not leave OH? Didn’t know it warranted it tbh. Although he has been emotionally anusive and threatened to break my wrist in October and the police were involved. What am I doing emu fucking life?

Oh and his reasons for not doing valentines is because he doesn’t look after the presets I get him! Really??!!

Abusive* though he is an anus tbf

With my life* no emus

He comes first, last and at all stages in between. It's all about HIM and him alone, and if it doesn't benefit him, he doesn't want to know. He doesn't love you. He loves himself. Is that what you want - to be some man's slave for the rest of your life?

You need to leave him, but I think you already know that.

Don’t stay with him just because you don’t want to be alone. It will be must easier by yourself without another child to look after! How would you feel if your child had a partner like this? Or treated their partner like this?

So yep, ltb and stay single.

He threatened to break your wrist! No Valentines day is the least of it. You really can't stay with this man.

You are a mug for allowing this to happen. Why did you have a baby with a man who treats you like this !!!!

As for valentines day, it is just another day - money making just like New Years Eve (you need to buy tickets to go to your local - what is all that about) - just another day.

He sounds like a bellend, and you sound funny and strong - and exasperated. This doesn't need to be your life. Get rid of the fucker - you're doing everything anyway, you can do it by yourself and without the added pressure of catering to the lazy fuck who can't get himself a fucking blanket.

Valentine’s Day is the least of your worries you need to look at why this man treats you like shit and refuses to look after his own child while you allow it to happen and act like a martyr .

LTB. He sounds awful. Also, you don't need him to watch the baby while you go to the bathroom. Just him in the high chair or swing it whatever.

You’re basically a single parent now anyway. At least without him you won’t have the lump of a useless husband sitting in the corner doing sweet eff all to make you feel angry and resentful.

He sounds like an absolute bastard and Valentine’s Day is the least of your worries.

I have a friend who went on a very dramatic diet. She lost around 90kgs overnight. And an overgrown excuse for a man. . . Even with two kids on her own, she said she just never felt happier. . .

Its too easy to say that you are a mug. It sounds as though you have fallen into a pattern of accepting bad relationships for whatever reason. You DO NOT have to put up with any of this shit. You are worth VERY much more. Ship him out and continue to raise the two children you are responsible for. Dump the third wheel. Honestly you dont need him. Being with someone abusive is not better than being alone. Perhaps give Womens Aid a call? Or take this over to Relationship board where you will get good advice.

He’s nice enough to make me think that it’ll get better and I really hate how I hold onto that. If he’s not being horrible to me I feel special what’s that about? It genuinely reminds me of being bullied as a child. It was MUCH easier on my own, apart from the fortnightly lifts to the supermarket where he has a go at me because he’ll be late to the gym because of it.
He’s self centred and although he asks how we are he doesn’t care.
Valentine’s Day was just one day where he could have showed me I matter. He absolutely loves the kids but doesn’t want to actually do anything with them or for them.

If I dumped the housework on him it just wouldn’t get done and I’d be in the shit for it. If I left the baby on him the baby would probably go without a clean nappy.

Could you get a supermarket delivery once a fortnight?

What am I reading? Seriously where do the ladies of mumsnet find these men?

Why would he even need to sit in the cafe across the road while your at the gym? Is there a reason he can’t look after HIS child at home?

You ask to use the loo? Again why? Baby is 10 months so you can definitely pop to the loo ffs

You even get his blankets why? Do his legs and arms not work?

I could go on but what’s the point, you get the message

Basically your acting like a doormat so you know what that is how he is treating you, you have the choice to accept this fate or change it....

I am so fed up with the state of relationships on here - such utterly worthless men around.

At least he's NOT buying you a Valentine's card - imagine how that would mess with your head when he's threatened to break your wrist? At least every single thing he does shows you he's an absolute waste of space.

OP, you're the one who has to live with this man. You're the only one who can decide whether to put up and shut up, or to leave. There are an awful lot of women who wouldn't put up with this - are you one of them?

The fact you feel special if he ISNT BEING HORRID to you says it all.

This was me with my youngests father.

Getting rid of him was the best thing I ever did. Abusive nasty narcissistic bullying piece of scum.