To be very annoyed at my mum

[lul37]

I live in another country away from my mum. After my dad passed away last year, I decided to put more effort into my relationship with my mum (even though it's been hard). I decided that the best way to do that would be to call her at around the same time and day every week. So it would fit in with both our schedules. It's been working out fine somewhat, but the last two weeks I couldn't get thru to her, usually I text her first to see if she's awake due to the different time zones, and then I call. Plus I have to use VPN to call her as WhatsApp doesn't work here where I am. Anyhow my brother and his wife came over from abroad to visit her last week. So I had texted her on our day and asked if she was free to talk or if they were too busy catching up with my brother on his visit. She texted that yes they were abit busy and that she also had the cleaner over?? So never mind I said. Even though I felt kind of hurt she couldn't spare a few minutes to speak to one of her other children. Then this week my brother leaves on the plane in the morning. And I text her again at the usual time of our call, but she doesn't respond even though I have just seen her texting my brother 10 minutes prior 'have a good flight' on the family WA group!! So she was on her phone, just chose not to answer or respond? She later texted me to say she was tidying up and didn't notice my text. Again she knew I call at this day and time and she had just replied to my brother on the group! I feel just so hurt, she doesn't even try to ask me to call her back or anything. I usually go visit my parents once a year but now I'm really torn whether to go or not this year. Now that I have kids myself I can't imagine favoring one child so blatantly over another. I also know she is in a fragile state so I don't want to discuss this with her at this time. However I have to get it off my chest that she has always favored her male children over her female children (I have two brothers and one sister) while I was growing up. Just never realized how bad it was until now. And when I ask her if she would like to come visit me, she responds with: if your brother also comes with me so he can take me around?! Even though I have told her that I could show her round the city too. I know she comes from an old fashioned background where people invested only in the boys in a family ( eg, they sent my brother abroad to study at a great Uni while I had to go to a local crappy Uni) but still. Now I don't know what to do or how to treat her. I don't want her out of my life but also for the sake of my children to see their grandparents, Am I being unreasonable?

Tbh yes you are. She is your Mum you only get one so stop with the pettiness you will miss her when she isn't here.

for Noggin

YANBU OP. Stop calling her so routinely.

I don’t think you’re petty, they’re your feelings. Feel them, accept them and sleep on it, decide what you want to do the next day. Personally I would just roll my eyes and carry on doing what makes sense to me.

Don't listen to that guilt trip 'you've only got one mum' shit.
However, I do think you're being a bit unreasonable regarding the calls. One week she had visitors, the next they had only just gone. She was probably a bit drained, trying to get the house back together etc.

Oh for the love of Dave!! The first post is a "she's your muuuumm, you only get ooonne muuuumm" effort.

Yanbu for feeling annoyed lul37
It cant be nice to feel that your mum hasnt the time for you and that you feel you are treated differently from your siblings.
However I do think you are being a little unreasonable to want to keep to a set timeframe, it might be a little restricting to the other person.

Nothininmenoggin Yabu!

I understand the Uni comment but anything else is a bit water off a ducks back for me.

She might not be glued to her phone all the time and between her messaging the group chat and you messaging her it's completely possible she put her phone down and went to tidy/busied herself with something else and didn't see your text straight away.

It all seems a bit petty.
Suppose you are fine and happy with your current life and you only see your mum once a year as it is it's hardly worth the drama you seem to have going on in your head at the moment.

Even if you don't get along that well but as you mentioned you still want to keep in touch as it's your mum I'd just smile and nod .

oh ffs nothininmenoggin

oh ffs nothininmenoggin

Just wait till you haven't got a Mum anymore then you all might think differently over this petty shite

She can't help it. It's a result of her culture and upbringing. And children are people like anyone else. Some you like more than others. Most mothers know they should try to hide it and treat them all the same. Yours doesn't. But there's nothing you can do about it. And at least you did go to a uni. ! (Someone I know went to the University of Wolverhampton and has got an amazing career! Earns squillions and travels all over the world). Life is what you make it.

True, it does seem petty somehow that I'm a full grown women trying to call my mother who's too busy for me, I guess. Thanks for the advice to just nod and get over it, will try that.

I get it OP. I am also in another country so I have to phone my mum as she refuses to use Skype or a mobile for what's app too. My brother lives nearby to her and I get 'your brother's just walked in we'll speak later which means I'll have to call her later' I do get a twang of ummmph. You can see him any time. Its so easy to feel out of the loop when you live abroad and are in a different time zone and to resent the people there in the moment.

I am not making excuses for your Mother but if your brother was visiting than her routine would have been out of kilter. Just as it is when you visit. Cut her some slack if she is old school - she would have been fussing about food/drinks etc.

She knows you are a good daughter, you will phone, you will visit and yoy will nit not bring up how you feel because you think she is too fragile, so it's all good for her. Maybe the comment about her visiting with your brother in tow means she is too nervous to come alone, especially as she was only widowed last year. Would she like to see two children in one place, does she think you will be busy with the children - who knows? My Mother has never visited me despite me offering to pay, fly over to accompany her here an back. And now she says she is too old.

Its easy to say just suck it up you only have one mum. You already know that. And your feelings are still your feelings. And these episodes seemed to have stirred the pot of resentment. Can you mention that you felt hurt she hasn't taken your phone calls? Don't cancel your plans yet. Talk to her - even if you have to make the call.

Good luck OP.

In a lot of cultures the Little Prince is valued more than their sisters but if she is ill and needs looking after Little Prince won't be the one expected to drop everything!

You're thinking of not visiting your mum on your once a year visit because she wasn't available for a chat on the phone????

Yes its annoying if you think you have an arrangement, but if i miss one of my regular calls ( and I have a few with friends and family) I just figure I'll catch them the next time.

There was a poster t Christmas whose parents regularly gave large sums of money to one child and treated their kids VERY different - a few whatsapp messages is not discrimination!

Personally, I wouldn't like the idea of a set time for telephone calls, as it suggests duty rather than genuine love and spontaneity. It also seeks to control the other person's time and arrangements. I think you are overreacting, although it sounds as though there is a background of your feeling that your brothers are preferred. Maybe that is something you should address with your mother, rather than focusing your angst onto smaller issues, which do sound petty.

you will miss her when she isn't here.

Usually it takes several pages to get to that. Straight in at first reply! It’s a new record, and one that by definition can’t be beaten.

You sound quite young and like you're still competing with your brother for your mum's attention, he went to visit is not unreasonable to skip a phone call as he'd travelled to be there, you're now considering not visiting this year?! WTF, the whole calling every week at the same time is a bit regimented, relax. Also no one sends you to uni, at that point you're a grown up who chooses where to go, applies and meets the entry criteria, I'm not sure what that had to do with your mother, if you wanted to study abroad that's on you.

Also no one sends you to uni, at that point you're a grown up who chooses where to go, applies and meets the entry criteria,

Yeah, because no university ever charged fees, and no university funding system ever took parental income into account.

Perhaps don't phone her for a couple of weeks and see if she makes the effort to contact you?

I actually agree with @Nothininmenoggin

This is so petty (imo) and when she's not there any more you'll miss her

I'd stop ringing her so often.

Just WhatsApp her and say you're thinking of her and if she wants to chat you're available for a chat until 6.30 ( or whatever time)

If I'm honest you sound a bit hard work, OP. Chill and take it as it comes.

Did you both agree that a weekly phone call at that time was best for both of you as your post sounds like this is something you just sort of started on your own? There is nothing wrong with that but plans during the week do change. I think that you're making quite a lot out of these small incidents because of deeper feelings that you have. Have you ever spoken to your mum about how you feel in general? Have you considered counselling?

@nothininmenoggin I'm sorry, you must miss your mum a lot. However, some people feel the pain and loss of not having a good relationship with their mum throughout their lives, and it works from both sides - the OP has had to make the effort to call her mum, and it's really sad that her mum obviously doesn't make the effort to reciprocate or explain. Maybe if she felt secure in the relationship she wouldn't feel ignored due to a couple of missed calls. It is petty in itself, but years of feeling like the less important child can make small things feel enormous.

I know people are knocking the you only get 1 mum thing but its true.
My mum regularly told me how her mum favoured her younger sister, how upset she was at not getting a birthday card from her, how it works both ways. Her mum past the week before last and now she feels dreadful for not visiting enough.

Having slept on it now, I realize I might have overreacted, but yes KC225 you are right, it's probably this minor thing that has brought up some old feelings of resentment. Sure she got busy, fair enough. However if it was one of my friends I would then expect them to make an effort to call me back. Show some initiative. But I feel like I'm the one putting in an effort to ask to speak to her. How about once she texts me to ask if I'm free? That's why I stick to a set time since we live away from each other.