To be very annoyed at my mum

[lul37]

I live in another country away from my mum. After my dad passed away last year, I decided to put more effort into my relationship with my mum (even though it's been hard). I decided that the best way to do that would be to call her at around the same time and day every week. So it would fit in with both our schedules. It's been working out fine somewhat, but the last two weeks I couldn't get thru to her, usually I text her first to see if she's awake due to the different time zones, and then I call. Plus I have to use VPN to call her as WhatsApp doesn't work here where I am. Anyhow my brother and his wife came over from abroad to visit her last week. So I had texted her on our day and asked if she was free to talk or if they were too busy catching up with my brother on his visit. She texted that yes they were abit busy and that she also had the cleaner over?? So never mind I said. Even though I felt kind of hurt she couldn't spare a few minutes to speak to one of her other children. Then this week my brother leaves on the plane in the morning. And I text her again at the usual time of our call, but she doesn't respond even though I have just seen her texting my brother 10 minutes prior 'have a good flight' on the family WA group!! So she was on her phone, just chose not to answer or respond? She later texted me to say she was tidying up and didn't notice my text. Again she knew I call at this day and time and she had just replied to my brother on the group! I feel just so hurt, she doesn't even try to ask me to call her back or anything. I usually go visit my parents once a year but now I'm really torn whether to go or not this year. Now that I have kids myself I can't imagine favoring one child so blatantly over another. I also know she is in a fragile state so I don't want to discuss this with her at this time. However I have to get it off my chest that she has always favored her male children over her female children (I have two brothers and one sister) while I was growing up. Just never realized how bad it was until now. And when I ask her if she would like to come visit me, she responds with: if your brother also comes with me so he can take me around?! Even though I have told her that I could show her round the city too. I know she comes from an old fashioned background where people invested only in the boys in a family ( eg, they sent my brother abroad to study at a great Uni while I had to go to a local crappy Uni) but still. Now I don't know what to do or how to treat her. I don't want her out of my life but also for the sake of my children to see their grandparents, Am I being unreasonable?

@vinegarqueen yes that's exactly how I feel, insecure because I don't feel that I'm important enough to her although I love her anyway. And will always treat her with respect. It's fine if she can't help having favorites but I'm also tired of feeling second best. Also I realize these 'petty' things bother me more now than before because after having kids, I can't imagine putting one of my children on hold for two weeks while spending time with another one. It does make me feel left out especially when they post photos of all of them sitting together having a good time.

This can't just be about weekly phone calls, there has to be some kind of back story of your mum favouring your brother over you, OP? You say that there is a lot of resentment. Could you give us other examples of this?

@Lizzie48 are u sure you want me to open that bag of worms??

As I said previously I grew up in a culture where people invested in their sons rather than in their daughters, educationally and financially. To be honest I think I had a great childhood and never noticed any difference in the way my parents treated me when I was a child. If anything I thought my parents especially my mum was the best in the world!

The changes appeared when we became teens, my brothers curfew got longer while mine got shorter. I wasn't allowed to go to parties without supervision anymore, etc...

In school I was an average child, however was always told not to worry to much about my school work. And that my main priority should be to marry someone 'well off' when I got older. My parents justified this by saying that it was my husbands' duty to take care of me, while my brothers had an obligation to support my parents financially in their old age (hence sending my brothers to a much better uni abroad). They could only afford one set of expensive uni fees and it made more sense to choose him.

Now that I'm married and living abroad, my mum did once slip and say she wished that they could have invested in my higher education as well, but that it was frowned upon for unmarried girls back then to go off and live in dorms on their own. Sounds so 1950's right?? Now that I live abroad, I have done some independent courses that I have wanted to do so I don't feel like I missed out too much. I have to admit I did have more drive back then but I know I could still enroll in Uni if that's what I want to do now.

I was also an introvert, much to my mums dismay, and was always told I needed to be more social. She always threw these big parties at our house and I had to always try hard to make 'witty banter' with her friends, otherwise people would think I was weird. I do resent feeling like I'm not good enough, why was I not told that I could achieve whatever I wanted without having to rely on anyone? That I was smart enough and that they loved me the way I was. Whenever I disappointed her or rebelled In my teens, i was told 'well you could always work for your brother if things don't work out for you'.

By the time they managed to 'marry me off' I can safety say we were all relieved to be out of each others hair as it was getting unbearable!

So yes I guess her not answering her phone is the tip of the iceberg and it sounds really petty on its own. I just thought I was over all that in my past now that iv grown up and leave abroad our relationship improved, but I suppose if it pisses me off that much that she won't pick up then maybe I'm not am I?

Be arsed with all that. I do my level best to avoid phone calls with everyone, especially my mum.

She might not have her phone with her, she might actually have a life - fixed times may sound easy for you but it's too rigid for her. Perhaps it comes across too much as a duty call! Reevaluate what you have written, it's like you feel she should be grateful for your attention when you call rather than it being spontaneous because you have something to say. You only have one mum, you don't live near so it's hard however with modern tech try to get in touch with less rigidity.

@TheCowboy lol I know, I was like that but had a change of heart after my dad passed away. @anniehm yes I would be more spontaneous and wouldn't be so rigid with my calls if only she showed some interest back at me.

@lul37 change of heart or not, it sounds like a chore that neither of you enjoy too much. I'd jib off the regular calls and stick to messaging on WhatsApp.

@lul37 I am truly sorry if I have caused you any distress with my previous posts. It sounds like you have some long-standing issues with your Mum. I really hope you can get them resolved and this results in a great relationship with her especially as she is now frail. I miss my Mum on a daily basis and would do literally anything to have her with me again. Like yourself Mum and I lived hundreds of miles apart but we called each other every other day. When I visited I'm sure we could irritate each other but we also knew that we loved each other deeply. I wish you all the best for a better more fulfilling relationship with your Mum. I have my memories now which are precious.

@Nothininmenoggin thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry for your loss as well. I know what's it's like to lose a parent no matter their shortcomings. You haven't offended me in any way. It's precisely because my dad passed away so unexpectedly that I have felt the urge to reconnect with my mum. I just wish that deep inside I can move past my feelings of resentment.

Thank you for sharing all that, OP, sorry if you felt pressured into revealing more than you wanted. But what I've observed, especially on AIBU, is that there are a lot of posters who have lost their mums and they react strongly on threads like this, especially if they had loving and supportive mums. It's hard for them to appreciate that other people don't have that sort of relationship with their mums.

Maybe it would help to talk it through with a therapist? That might make it easier to accept your mum's limitations. Because sadly people don't change unless they themselves see that they need to.

My relationship with my mum isn't great. She wasn't abusive like my F (he's dead now), but she's always been controlling and emotionally not able to be there for me, it always feels that I have to comfort her for what happened to me in my childhood. My DSis has the same experience. It used to really get to me, but I'm learning to accept her for who she is and not expect anything different.

@Lizzie48 its been actually cathartic to share all these pent up feelings. I'm glad I did and this post has given me a fresh perspective from everyone. How hard must it have been for you as well, but it's encouraging to know that you can still maintain a decent relationship with your mother despite your differences. That's what I'll try to do too