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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen thinks I'm out of order , am I?

34 replies

Bridgeofthefuture · 22/01/2019 21:54

Teen is 15 with some SN which affect her maturity.
She attends an activity two miles away from village to town which involves a part of the walk not having houses on. There have been a couple of incidents recently where a man has followed women and teens causing trouble there.

DD could catch a bus from school to the activity , one goes directly down the road but would get her there early (there's a fast food place to sit in but she won't get it) the other she doesn't like that the bus goes through an estate first rather than directly straight away. So she comes home and walks.

Due to all the above and the fact it's also very dark and poor street lighting i have been walking with her despite having disabilities myself. This means four hours of the week I'm walking back and forth.

DD is pissed off at me because I walk with her even though I leave her away from the activity. I've told her if she goes alone I want her to go on the bus and she thinks I'm treating her like she's 12 by not letting her walk alone .

She's very immature , she's not trustable to keep herself out of danger and thinks nothing of walking round the whole way on her phone risking being run over or having her phone snatched.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 22/01/2019 22:07

You are very much not out of order.

Original poster
Bridgeofthefuture · 22/01/2019 22:08

Just to add it's late when the activity ends. Sometimes around 9pm if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Neverender · 22/01/2019 22:08

I was going to suggest asking her if she would be happy if you walked there alone, but then I worked out that you are - despite reports of some weirdo! Why would you do that? Teenage me would see that as, "It's ok for you to do it but not me then?"

I'd be confused and I think this would come across as a lack of trust, rather than not putting one's self in a dangerous situation...does that make sense?

Neverender · 22/01/2019 22:08

Teenage me was a bit of a dick btw, but that's exactly how I would have seen it.

MrsRhettButler · 22/01/2019 22:10

You are not out of order and I'd be telling my dd that she wouldn't be going unless she caught one of the buses.

starfishmummy · 22/01/2019 22:15

Totally agree with MrsRhettButler.

ShawshanksRedemption · 22/01/2019 22:17

You could say that as she doesn't walk responsibly as she's on her phone all the time, then it's the bus or she doesn't go. TBH I would not be letting my 15 yr old daughter walk home 2 miles at 9pm - it'd be a taxi back (if picking her up was not an option).

Is there anyone else she could travel with (other than you)?

Topseyt · 22/01/2019 22:31

You are not being at all unreadable.

IsItThatTimeAgain · 22/01/2019 22:35

Geez, she's being ridiculous and should tske the bus to and from activity.

Original poster
Bridgeofthefuture · 22/01/2019 22:41

The bus thing has caused a lot of arguments. She does struggle with buses and transport and I do understand why but she can do it.

I don't want to withhold the activity as it's literally the only time she will leave the house outside of school.

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 22/01/2019 22:41

My teen DD got upset about not being allowed to go for runs alone when visiting her GPs in a big city. She said we should trust her. Once I explained I trusted her, but not everyone around is as trustworthy and in spite of being a brown belt in karate, she is a poor match for a gang or just on big bloke out to harm her, she accepted it. I think it was more thinking we didn't trust her that upset her.

mooncuplanding · 22/01/2019 22:43

I kind of think she's got a point. You are mollycoddling her and she needs to be independent at that age

BettyDuMonde · 22/01/2019 22:45

Is the bus aversion a sensory thing? My asd boy hates buses. Caused a big whooha re: secondary school choice 😬

Is there anyone at the activity who could bring her home for a contribution to petrol or similar? That way you could compromise and let her walk there alone and get a lift home?

GemmeFatale · 22/01/2019 23:12

My mum used to meet me halfway when I walked home from my pub job. I was 18 at the time.

Actually would halfway work for you both? So she isn’t doing the isolated bit alone but she gets some independence and you still get to keep her safe but don’t have to walk so far

Meralia · 22/01/2019 23:15

It’s not mollycoddling. The OPs dd is in a risky situation, there’s reports of a man following girls and women, DD is a bit immature and maybe not very streetwise (my 15 year old dd is the same btw) and she’d be walking alone in the dark.

There’s giving independence and then there is taking unnecessary risks. I wouldn’t be happy for my dd to be doing this either OP.

I think it’s either you walk her or she gets the bus.

BornInAThunderstorm · 22/01/2019 23:16

Is there another child from your area at the activity who gets a lift? If so could you ask to contribute sone petrol money if DD can join them?

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 22/01/2019 23:24

Could she go by bike?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/01/2019 23:56

DD could catch a bus from school to the activity , one goes directly down the road but would get her there early (there's a fast food place to sit in but she won't get it)

This direct bus sounds like the best option to me, she could get a snack while she waits in a safe environment. Plus it's fine for her to be on her phone there, not wandering down a dark street. Does the same bus work to take her home as well?

I'd use TheBigFatMermaid's arguments that she wouldn't be a match for a strong man or a gang, it's not that you're deliberately treating her like a 12 year old.

CSIblonde · 23/01/2019 03:12

You need to repeat to her the dodgy incidents there (Millie Dowler was taken on a busy main road if I remember so you should always minimise risk if you can) & insist she gets the bus. I was pestered at that age by a weird guy on the lonely 2miles I walked regularly. It was petrifying. My DM used to say 'start walking' & was always a good 15mins even tho it was 5min drive. If she hadn't eventually turned up, it could have gone very bad. On that same road 20yrs back a teen walking the family dog went missing & has never been found.

CherryPavlova · 23/01/2019 06:51

I think it’s not unreasonable to walk your daughter to the activity. Despite disability you can manage it so should continue to walk to ensure her safety - whether she likes it or not. She is particularly vulnerable as she’s immature and has SEN so it’s doubly difficult.

Can you take a book and sit in the fast food place whilst she’s there? Could you afford a taxi one way?
I’d be reluctant to say bus or no activity as youngsters with SEN can end up so isolated from peers.

Porridgeoat · 23/01/2019 06:55

Tell her to catch the direct bus but sit in the location her activity takes place if the fast food place makes her uneasy

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 23/01/2019 07:00

Just make sure, if she does agree to take the bus, that she actually takes it.

15year old me would say I got the bus, pocket the cash and walk anyway

Acopyofacopy · 23/01/2019 07:03

Why don’t you take the bus together?

ForalltheSaints · 23/01/2019 07:04

Perfectly reasonable given the age and SN you describe.

Sproutingcorm · 23/01/2019 07:07

Could you go with her on the early bus, get her in to the rhythm of it, practice buying a drink and waiting until it's time for class? Once she is familiar with it all, she may be willing to go on that bus route alone?

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