To think DH drinks too much?

[bottleitup]

Just this. I'm prepared to be flamed for being unreasonable.

I feel like in recent years DH's drinking has increased and not sure whether it's "normal" - just know it bothers me.

We both work full time and have a toddler DS.

If there is beer in the house, he will finish it all drink it, so we seldom stock any beer at home.

If there is a bottle of wine in the house he will usually want to have some wine on any given evening when we're at home - and if we decide to open it, he will inevitably end up drinking most if not all of it within the same day/evening as I tend to have only one or two glasses. When I point out to him that he's had this amount to drink, he gets annoyed or defensive.

When we are out, he will have at least a couple of beers with a meal if it's a restaurant. This is whether it's lunch or dinner, and even if DS is with us.

It's the weekday evening drinking at home that bothers me. He is a bit of a lightweight in that he is noticeably 'looser' after he's had 2 or 3 beers.

In the last year or so there have been maybe 2-3 times when he's come home from a (rare) night out and been slurring/stumbling/sick. It's 2-3 times too many for me, to be honest.

So as not to drip feed - I grew up in a household where my mum disapproved of my dad drinking (he did a lot of business entertaining). I fear I'm becoming my mum?

Would appreciate some independent perspective on this.

If he has to drink all that’s there and you have to keep beer out of the hse or he’ll drink it all then yes it sounds like he may have an issue. He could well be drinking when you don’t know about it to.

I’m a bit on the fence as I love a drink but it’s just not practical to drink in that way for me anymore so I don’t.

The real issue would be: can you leave booze in the house without it being drunk. If not, how much? If you had 12 beers in the fridge, how many would he drink? And the next night?

The being sick 2/3 times a year is a non-issue for me. Unless he’s incapable and sick on himself/all over the place etc.

Hmm. My exDP used to follow a similar pattern but could hold his drink very well so the quantities would be higher and you still wouldn't really know he'd been drinking to speak to him or be around him. It used to bother me quite a bit and I'm very glad I don't have to put up with the constant drinking any more even though it didn't massively affect me at the time. YANBU but if he doesn't think it's an issue there isn't much you can do really.

I don't think his normal drinking is a problem, but the getting pissed and/or sick is not on, as far as I'm concerned. Even if it is just 2-3 times a year. That shows a total lack of control and maturity. My husband and I drink wine every single night, but we never ever get drunk. It's simply not acceptable behaviour to us.

Yes you've turned into your mother. He's not drinking to excess by any manner of means. And seriously, two beers with a meal, two or three glasses of wine now and again.

There is a problem with alcohol in your home and it's not him op, it's you.

@Merryoldgoat - if say 12 cans of beer in the fridge, probably anywhere between 3-6 day? (I don't think we've actually had fully 12 cans of beer at home before unless guests were coming round, so perhaps that speaks to PP's point above about self control at the point of access).

And yes it's noticeably 'looser' not 'incapacitated' - though enough to bother and annoy me, but as I said perhaps IABU.

I think that YNBU to be concerned. Although his doesn't drinking doesn't sound particularly extreme, it does seem more than is healthy. Some posters have seen it as a normal drinking level, but that's because drinking is so normalized in our culture that people tend to forget/ignore the recommended limits. Apart from the weekly unit limit, the health advice is to have at least a couple of alcohol free days in a week.

Deliberately not buying beer because you know that if you do he'll drink it all isn't a good sign.

Drinking most of a bottle of wine - depends how often you have wine.

Liking a beer with a meal when you eat at a restaurant - fine. at least a couple with the meal - not brilliant.

Coming home drunk a couple of times a year - nothing wrong with that at all. So drunk that he's sick - disgusting. You put up with that behaviour from a teenager but a grown man should have grown out of it.

Overall, I think that I'd be more worried by your DH's lack of self control than by the quantity that he's drinking. He does sound like somebody who can't resist alcohol when it's available. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a drink, but it gets to be a concern when someone can't/won't say no.

I’m not entirely sure you are, but he might not be either. Also, some of his behaviour might just be getting carried away rather than an addiction and maybe a chat about expectations would help.

I think 3 beers a night every night would be a lot, probably too much but not ‘scary’.

2 beers with lunch or dinner is perfectly normal imo.

Deliberately not buying beer because you know that if you do he'll drink it all isn't a good sign.

The op has clarified that he will drink 3-6 bottles a night. That’s not the same as sitting down and drinking them all.

I agree with most of what cariad said except about the vomiting.

I’ve been ‘caught out’ before because I don’t drink much, got carried away with mates and those last two glasses hit at once and you’re sick. Admittedly not as frequently as him, but more recently and more times than I care to admit.

Your description of him makes this scenario more likely in my opinion.

Deliberately not buying beer because you know that if you do he'll drink it all isn't a good sign

Sorry, just to clarify this is her husband she's talking about not her underage son. She's referring to a grown man who if he wished to buy beer, could do so and doesn't need to rely on his mummy to buy it for him.

And a couple of beers when going out for dinner isn't brilliant. Words fail me.

It sounds like because of your background you’re hyper aware of your DH’s drinking. I grew up with a teetotal mum and a dad who would drink at work functions, if we went out for a meal (but not always, it increased as we kids got older but not much) and at the cricket/golf club.

I don’t drink either but DH does although not often. Again, it’s increased as the kids have got older. Sometimes it seems a lot to me but in reality it’s not. He drank more over Christmas because he could. It’s never rendered him unable to fulfill his role in our house other than what I consider to be reasonable dips which I also have for different things.

And a couple of beers when going out for dinner isn't brilliant. Words fail me.

I know that sounds a bit po-faced, but the OP said at least a couple which to me sounds like it could be 3 or 4. That might not be much for a night out with mates, but I do think it's a lot when you're out for a family lunch with your wife and toddler.

Are you sure your glasses of wine are that small? A bottle of wine is usually 75cl, if your two glasses are only 20% of the bottle, each glass is only 75ml - that's really small! A glass of wine is usually 125 -150 ml, you should be getting 5 glasses to a bottle

I think the fact that you're concerned is a concern. The fact that he's defensive is too. My husband is a problem drinker. I didn't know it until we had a child and it didn't stop. Drinking is so normal to him that he will do it whatever, whenever. Even when it's socially inappropriate, or irresponsible. It's hard to explain this, I can see why people think you're po faced but... I don't think you are.
I think you should trust your instincts and perhaps try to talk to him at a time when he's calm and sober (not NOT when he's drinking or hungover) and explain why you're worried about him.
Or perhaps try to socialise away from booze, relax with a walk or a family swim rather than a lunch out.. suggest something different for a few weekends in a row and see if he seems restless or keener for a drink in the evening because he hasn't had one in the day. Don't pressure him. Just see .

I get exactly where you’re coming from. My DH comes from a it’s not fun if there’s not a lot of drinking going on type of background. My family were not tee total by any means but it was for special nights out, never at home.

When we were in our 20s I joined in enthusiastically but as I grew older, it got boring and pointless as even a couple of drinks made me feel rough the next day.

It was at that stage I realised that he was dependent on alchohol, couldn’t enjoy himself without, as he put it, a couple of pints which meant 5 or 6. It’s only when you are not drinking yourself but your partner is, every single time you’re out or relaxing at home, that you notice how much it changes them and how grumpy they are the next day. Solitary drinking in a partner is very isolating for the non drinker.

Like your OH, my OH would only stop drinking when there was nothing left in the house. I know friends who will have one or two drinks of an evening and be able to stop there even if the house has a well stocked drinks cupboard. That’s normal.

If we went out for a meal, I would have to drive every time as he’d rather not go out for a meal if he couldn’t have a drink. Knowing that he needed a drink to make going out bearable was very sad.

So we started just buying what he’d drink that day but that would cause friction about what was a reasonable amount, 2 cans, 4 cans, 4 cans and a bottle of wine, ........8 cans and a bottle of wine bought on a Friday teatime to last the whole weekend were gone by the 10 o’clock news .

He hated me interfering, I hated being pushed in to trying to find ways to stop him drinking heavily every night. Then the hiding of drink and lying about it started.

I wanted him to be honest about and take responsibility for his drinking, he wanted me to pretend that the amounts he was drinking were reasonable, purely recreational and a choice that he was in control of.

Bloody exhausting. Was I simply a selfish control freak, or was I trying to help the person I cared about most in the world before he ruined both his health and our relationship? His brother ended up a homeless alcoholic and eventually committed suicide.

The fight is ongoing. We’re both retired now and enjoy our time together. He drinks less than he would like, but more than I’m happy with so I guess it’s some kind of compromise. I would love him to take this burden of policing his drinking off my shoulders, he knows if I left him he’d drift into alcoholism.

I dread holidays, as day to day, he finds it easier not to drink at all rather than to stop at 2 daily like the doctor advised him. Come holidays though, it’s like a kid in a sweet shop and I watch him lose control, but he’s on holiday and it’s no fun if you can’t drink!

I suspect that deep down you sense that he is developing a drink problem that is changing him and putting a strain on your relationship. Posters that imply you are getting things out of proportion for what seems to be a reasonable amount each day have missed the crucial point that the drinking only stops when there is no more drink in the house.

Overall, for me, the battle has been manageable - we’ve found a compromise that allows our marriage to be more positive than negative. I just wish he’d be honest. He’s an alcoholic who has been lucky enough to find someone who has been willing and strong enough not to give up on him. I’m not stupid though and he knows that I have my limits. If he were to start the hiding and lying again, I will leave him to it.

I’m not sure what advice I would give you but I just wanted you to know that you are not being unfair or unreasonable.

You sound like a nag. Have a glass with him and chill out

Littlepleasures

OP, I don’t think you’re being UR, I think your eyes are wide open and you’re just sensing what could be down the road for you. I think a lot of people are deluded about their drinking habits and whether they have a dependancy.
My oh is packing himself off to rehab in the next few weeks and he’s only a few steps further than yours - it was the weeknight solo drinking, not being able to pass a food shop without picking up more bottles, and the delusion that setting one or two nights a week to get blotto was ok. There is definitely a dependancy in my partner, and I have to admit yours does sound like he’s halfway there. Is he ever able to enjoy a dinner, night in or night out without a drink?

Great post, littlepleasures. Immediately followed by a spectacularly unhelpful one!

To the PP who said 1-2 glasses in a bottle means half etc - I tend to have quite small glass(es) so really it's more like 20/80(%)

I think youre underestimating how much you have. I find it very hard to believe your glass holds a tenth of a bottle of wine

I also think thr op is under stating how much she drinks here. It would be very small glasses of wine indeed to be two and only twenty percent of the bottle.

It seems like they very rarely have a bottle of wine and when they do she likely has nearly forty percent of it. But she still lampoons him for how much he drinks of it.

Her husband also drinks very little, as neither of them chose to have it in the house. So it seems for whatever reason she's under stating what she drinks and overstating his. She feels annoyed if he has a couple of beers when out or at the weekend.

It's very odd as this is clearly not someone who drinks to excess and is likely to be well under the 14 units a week.

So then it comes back to thr op has a significant problem with alcohol and it's her that needs to address what is causing this.

Littlepleasures that was an interesting post, and you sound very caring and thoughtful. However, your husband's drinking seems completely different from what is described in the OP. It is always both a strength and a weakness when we can identify closely with a post; it can give us great empathy, but can also make us have a warped or exaggerated view of someone else's experience.

little pleasures has it right. She said what I was trying to say much better. Being unable to enjoy yourself without a drink is not a good sign. And it is very lonely when you realise that you can do without but the other person can't. It's frightening, regardless of amounts.

I agree with pp that you are under representing how much of the bottle you drink. To put it in perspective, if you're having only 20% of the bottle, that's 150ml. Just over half of a large mug. If that's two glasses, each glass is 3 tablespoons....

I don't think his drinking is excessive. Although I think 2-3 beers should really be the max on a "normal" night just on the basis of health/calories etc. But I'd think 2 beers isn't a big deal. And the fact that he's not out there drinking not he sly or bringing alcohol home is a good sign.

I'm hyper aware of people drinking around me, I believe this is because of when I was with my youngest's father. He wouldn't go a day without at least one beer and his only pastimes were going to the pub and going to gigs where he would drink and usually do the pub before and after. Oh, and festivals, where he would drink and then sleep on the grass.

It's extremely hard being round someone who stinks of alcohol constantly and whose personality changes with the intoxication. And, it then leaves you with the burden of any childminding or driving or whatever else.

I've been mistreated by people who are always drinking. And assaulted more times than I care to remember. So I know my perception is skewed.

But if my current OH was drinking like this, I'd say something.

We both like red wine and will have some at home sometimes but we seem to make the choice to have a glass or bottle, together.