To ask if it's ok for a child not to want to do that much?

[poldarkssecretlover]

Dd (age seven) has two activities in the week- martial arts and swimming. We've tried other things along the way - dance, gymnastics, skating, theatre - all of which she seemed to hate although she was good at gym which was a shame so we went with her wishes and stopped them all.

The activities she does now are the ones she seems ok with but when she's there she's so half arsed with everything compared to the other children and looks like she can't be bothered to be there although she says she enjoys it. Her progress is very slow in both and that's not a problem obviously, just as long as she enjoys it which she says she does but there's no energy or enthusiasm. She's very shy and lacks confidence which may be a factor in her progress.

We're not pushy parents at all, we just want her to be happy and find something she enjoys, but her complete lack of motivation to do anything is sometimes frustrating. Other children in her class do lots of activities and we don't want her life to be as over scheduled as theirs are but we can't help noticing that they seem to love what they do and go willingly to classes (if FB is to be believed). Dd would be happy just playing in her room with her toys or tablet every night!

Is it ok if she's the kind of child who just likes to do her own thing in her own time and not go out that much or should we be pushing her more? Is anyone else's child a bit like this? Thanks in advance!

My 10 year old dd is like this. At the moment she does one dance class a week and that's it.
She loves her own space and finds her big, busy class very full-on. She needs plenty of down time. She has an active imagination and plays detailed games, reads a lot, dances in her room etc.
She is happy as she is so I'm happy to let her be herself.
I'm quite similar to her in that I hate having a constant schedule of going here and there.

Your friends' FB is likely to be an exaggeration of how much their children LOVE going to their activities. Yes they may enjoy them but surely there are times when they need coaxing to go.

Do you always stay at her classes and watch? If she's shy could it be that she's holding back because she knows you're there? If you don't need to stay could you try leaving her and seeing what her instructors say after the class? She may be completely different.

She insists we stay that's the thing, although there is certainly some logic to that suggestion.

I’m finding as DD concentrates on one activity, that activity takes more and more time. By the time we factor some practice time in, there isn’t much time for anything else.

I think it's fine. I was never one for organised activities when I was a child.I preferred reading, painting and drawing, writing stories, at home. As soon as I was at secondary school and old enough to make my own arrangements I used to hang out with friends, go to the cinema, go swimming, go on bus rides or bike rides, or just go to the library or round the shops. Your dd may be the same.

If it's held in a sports centre type building could you go and sit in reception or the cafe bit? So she knows you're in the building but not there watching her, if that makes sense.

Maybe she's an introvert and values the down-time after school?

My DD is 8 and only does Brownies. She used to do swimming, but hated it once she was a decent standard and lessons ended up being swimming up and down the pool just improving techniques.

She's happy as she is, so we leave her to it. Mine does have to go to the cm each morning and after school til 5. So she socialises there, and needs downtime when she's at home.

Mine don’t do any, as I think you’ll find plenty of children don’t because of money issues or childcare or anything.

You say you’re not pushy but you sound very pushy to me! She already does two things why the need for more?

My middle child is more than happy to just spend his evenings reading and playing the odd game.

My eldest is out four nights a week being musical.

The youngest does his extracurricular stuff on a Friday afternoon and a Thursday lunchtime, so gets to lounge on evenings.

I’m totally led by them, and they’ve all found their own grooves.

There’s nothing wrong with not being busy busy busy. :)

I don't really know the answer. My children are much older. My daughter (15) does FAR too much (think around 14 hours of dance, plus drama group, singing lessons, piano lessons) and my sons do nothing. But then, my daughter does what she does because she is very driven, she did much less when she was younger, and often complained about having to go to dance once a week for 2 hours, although if I tried to call her bluff and say "OK, you can just stop" she would reluctantly concede she didn't want to stop. Whereas the boys have never really found anything they enjoyed (and have both tried fencing, football, rugby, swimming, Scouts, Air Cadets, athletics, drama, dance, music lessons - nothing really grabbed them) other than playing with their friends on computers....

I guess if she says she enjoys it and is happy to go then that's fine. But if she doesn't want to I wouldn't make her....

I think the lives kids have today with a million activities sound horrendously stressful. Surely no one can excel at anything when they are exhausted being shuttled from activity to activity with no time to re-charge.

Yes, I think that sounds fine. My dd is 6 and she only does a riding lesson once a week and then rainbows, but it’s once a month for 3 hours, not weekly. She does stay for drama club after school once a week during term time. But that’s less because he loves it and more because we need the after school care. I honestly won’t sign her up for more that that. Our weeks are busy enough as they are.

I hate all this busy busy got to do loads of activities and have loads of plans attitude these days. My friend never sees her family really constantly making plans with friends etc and I can't bear it. I like to go with the flow and see how I feel mainly to protect my sometimes fragile mental health -i like being an introvert. My daughter is following a similar path she just likes down time too!

She could just be an introverted girl, happy and content to be at home playing. There's nothing wrong with that at all. When i was a very shy, quiet child i didnt want to make friends, or do endless activities either. I liked playing, and was very creative. I was always most content at home on my own doing hobbies, still the same as an adult.

I know mums also worry because of shyness, it doesnt mean they are doomed and often sending them off after a long day of having to interact will make them want to interact with others even less. I was painfully shy but by teens had lots of friends and confidence, but remained an introvert at heart.

I find being around other people all day physically and mentally draining, maybe she does too? School all day is a lot for some and I feel bad for any child forced into endless activities (not meaning you) after school. As adults we are very often 'too tired' after work to do activities, its same for some children. Maybe ask her if there are any hobbies at home she would like to start or try out? Since youre sat there watching her anyway doing something she has no enthusiasm for, you could try something at home together she is interested in? Specific crafts, skills, yoga for kids, languages, learn instrument together, following tutorials on youtube.

Thank you Officeslave that was so insightful and helpful I can't tell you. I think you're absolutely right, she probably does find school exhausting and would prefer to do more just at home. I guess I worry too much about what I "should" be doing as a parent rather than adapting to her needs. Thank you so much again.

Her teacher has urged us to take her to activities to widen her friendship group too.

I think you should be lead by your daughter and what she wants- it also sounds like she does plenty to me!
My son only does two after school activities (swimming and Lego club) and it’s enough for him. He is also fairly introverted. We also pay for guitar lessons during school hours and he often practices after school. And that’s enough for him.

If you’re worried about too much screen time/not enough activity at home could you have a family evening one night a week? We don’t have any screens on a Thursday and have a family game night instead. It’s good for family bonding/socialising but on his terms.

Your daughters activities sound plenty to me, and she sounds balanced and well rounded x

My 10yo doesn’t want to do activities either. She likes her down time, books and drawing and is content just doing this at home.

You could be describing my DD, age 10, she is much happier at home but what gives her most happiness is being at home doing something with me or a friend - crafts, play, we're currently doing a lot of jigsaws. She wants the company but on her own terms. I admit sometimes I find it harder to be switched on especially after work, than just taking her to an activity but I give myself a kick and usually love it once started.

All children are different. Offer activities and choices and even encourage but don't push or worry about what you think your child should be doing.
You dd is doing two activities a week which sounds enough to me.
One of my grandsons does lots of activities in a week, his little brother does no formal activities because he's not interested. Both are perfectly happy. They are very different personality wise.
It would be annoying to feel you are being pressured or pushed to do things you aren't interested in.

My DD was worse than this. She was a very shy child, very introverted, and didn't want to do any activities at all. She would occasionally see a school friend after school but never had a huge circle of friends. As a young teen she would spend all her time in her bedroom and I'd worry over the fact she had so few friends. Then after school she went to college and to my surprise she got herself a part time job in a high street store. She also started driving lessons. Working in the shop did wonders for her confidence and once she passed her test that was it, she was off. Her confidence soared. Now she's 19 and we very rarely see her because she's always out. It really doesn't matter if they don't want to do many activities. Sometimes a kid is happy in their own skin, in their own company.

Cantwaittoretire that's lovely. I guess we have to remember that there is a bigger picture and children just find their own way in their own time. After all they're a person not a project!

Yakari you're spot on, we do lots of craft and board games at home and it's lovely. She prefers company on her own terms too, she's happy having a friend over but in groups she gets overwhelmed and tends to withdraw.

Let her have some free time. People need to learn how to entertain themselves.