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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's a lot easier to live alone

73 replies

Asta19 · 22/01/2019 18:30

I have read so many threads on here now about "couple problems". Arguments over money, over sex, over household chores. Lets not even start on the infidelity threads! Yes, I understand that those who are in good, harmonious relationships aren't going to post because they don't have problems to post about. Not in their relationship at least. But it seems like living with another adult just means so many compromises. I have lived with a couple of guys in the past (not at the same time obviously!) and yes it is nice to have someone ask how was your day (if they do that is!). Or to chat with. But I can honestly say I am so much happier living alone. I could meet the nicest, most accommodating guy in the world now and I still don't think I would ever want to live with him.

People who post about being lonely, wanting to meet someone etc, in fact people I've know in real life also, will say "I don't want to grow old alone". But this is precisely the time I do want to be alone! I'm 50 this year and I am done with compromising and having to please anyone else but me! One of the guys I lived with was 9 years older than me so he'd be nearly 60 now. His body was already pretty knackered back then from years of manual labour so I doubt he's in great condition now. He was also a total grump (part of the reason we broke up) so, had I stayed with him, I'd be with a grumpy old sod who I would probably end up caring for in old age. No thank you!

AIBU to think that it's exactly easier in many ways to just take care of yourself?

OP posts:

CallMeSirShotsFired · 24/01/2019 10:20

Why is it on threads like this, or threads about being single...
Anyone who is happily married/happily in a relationship must advertise it?

Like on here, "I agree with your idea - but I am happily married" or "I am not single - but if I was"

It's not really relevant to the thread or point OP is making (and nobody knows you anyway), yet it always has to be pointlessly shoehorned in.

JacquesHammer · 24/01/2019 10:43

Why is it on threads like this, or threads about being single...
Anyone who is happily married/happily in a relationship must advertise it?

Because society is still set up to see being in a relationship as "successful" and those that aren't (whether by choice or not!) are seen as somehow lesser to the ideal.

Stormwhale · 24/01/2019 10:49

I think as long as you have an active social life, you might be right. If you didn't see enough people and socialise regularly though, I think you would feel terribly alone without a spouse.

Believability · 24/01/2019 10:50

My husband is unlikely to live long term and whilst I do love living with him I have absolutely no fear of living on my own with my kids. I love my own company. Perhaps I’ll have a “special” friend but I’ll never live with anyone again and I certainly won’t ever have step children living in my house. (Been a step child, love my step sibs and step mum but I wouldn’t do it to my kids)

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 10:50

yet it always has to be pointlessly shoehorned in.

why pointlessly? People are allowed to disagree that living alone or being single is the best thing for everybody.

Fine if it's your choice, but there's always someone popping up to explain that living with a partner MUST mean having to compromise, not having freedom, not having your own space, walking on eggshells, not eating or cooking what you want, not watching your own tv programs...
I don't recognise an adult relationship in any of that, sorry. My kids might tell you that they would have more freedom living on their own (obviously), but adults don't stop living because they have a living partner. There's nothing I would be doing differently if I was on my own.

Having young children, having a partner even gives me a lot more freedom because there's someone to watch the kids if I want to pop out or just go out, but that's temporary.

So what's wrong in answering the OP question: it is a lot easier to live alone by replying: no, it isn't at all. At leat not for me.

JacquesHammer · 24/01/2019 10:55

I don't recognise an adult relationship in any of that, sorry

But its all the mundane stuff. Arranging nights out around the other person? Work commitments? Childcare? Not being able to have your fave dinner or someone having to cook twice because they don't like it etc etc.

All the above is totally part of an adult relationship. And it's not something I want or need. I believe its far easier to manage one adult and one child

If you didn't see enough people and socialise regularly though, I think you would feel terribly alone without a spouse

God no, socialising is the pits

Knittink · 24/01/2019 10:59

It's not really relevant to the thread

Of course it's relevant to the thread. On a topic like this, how on earth can one's own experience be irrelevant to the opinions one is sharing? Btw I don't see myself as 'successful' for being happily married. It's largely luck. Shoe-horning it in? Ummm... nope. It's a thread about marriage/cohabitation. It's relevant because I'm weighing up my own positive experience of marriage/cohabiting against what I have seen on MN and in rl.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 11:09

I agree with childcare, but you would still be running your life around your kids if you were single, they come first, fine.

remove the children, and I never experienced the mundane stuff as a negative. I actually moved in with DH (quite a few years ago..) because it made our life much easier and gave us both more freedom! No more packing a bag and having to plan what we were doing to know what to pack. No more having to schedule evenings or night together. We suddenly had the freedom to text the other at the last minute that we were going out that night and would be late, as opposed to decline invitations or reschedule everything.
Food wise I can't understand the issue either. If you don't like what the other made, make your own food which you would be doing if you were living alone anyway.

Not sure I am explaining it right, but our life became a whole of a lot easier when we moved in together. One of the reasons why we are still together today!

JacquesHammer · 24/01/2019 11:14

but our life became a whole of a lot easier when we moved in together

Whereas my life became a whole lot easier when I started living alone with DD.

I don't "get" why people object to others finding life works better a different way.

Because I prefer being single doesn't mean you're wrong. It means we're different. I'm not about to start trying to persuade you to a bold lifestyle change

Generically, both IRL and on here, I find people never really are willing to accept when you say "single by choice" you actually mean it. They'd far rather see you as a Miss Havisham type desperately wasting away until you get a partner.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 11:19

I don't "get" why people object to others finding life works better a different way.
that was my point.

JacquesHammer · 24/01/2019 11:22

that was my point

Then we're in agreement.

And I guess my posts are more directed to the "if you don't want to live with someone you just haven't found the right person" brigade

crochetmonkey74 · 24/01/2019 11:29

I lived alone for years and loved it and then at 40 found myself falling in love with DP. It's been a big adjustment to live with someone and I still crave the open ended headspace from living alone. I love it when he is away for a few days (very rare) as I just have the luxury of all that time!
I love him and he's great to live with and lots of my life has been enhanced but every now and then I do like to take myself off to a hotel for 2 nights by myself

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 11:34

f you don't want to live with someone you just haven't found the right person

but maybe you haven't....

sorry, couldn't resist, I leave now

JacquesHammer · 24/01/2019 11:37

but maybe you haven't....

Absolutely. Maybe you'll find you enjoy living alone when you split up. Never say never, eh

stock response

Butteredghost · 24/01/2019 11:54

There's good and bad about living alone and living with a partner. Some people say being in a relationship but living apart is the best of both worlds - I think it's the worst! Living out of a bag, never having what you need, your household chores getting neglected, constantly travelling back and forth, organising everything in advance. Wasting time texting them on your "nights off". All this and you are still lonely.

Butteredghost · 24/01/2019 11:57

I think the best for me is living with a partner, but one that has a very active social life, hobbies and/or travels for work. So there's plenty of time alone

Of course I'm with someone who has no friends at all, no social life, no hobbies and doesn't travel for work. As a result he practically never leaves the house except for work. Ah well, what can you do?

Original poster

Asta19 · 24/01/2019 12:00

I think that ultimately the responses show that there is no "ideal" way to live. Well...having a partner who lives next door seems to be closest to that!
People who live with someone would like some space sometimes, people who don't have their own little challenges (I say, looking at my heavy wardrobe that I need to try and move!).

I think like JacquesHammer said, I'd just like the people around me to accept that I am happy as I am. It's interesting that a pp mentioned social life. I spend a lot of time at home now, and people also try and drag me out! I had one friend say to me that she was worried I was depressed. I'm really not. It's winter and it's cold and I'd rather spend my Saturday night at home, with a bottle of wine and Netflix! I like solitude, and that doesn't go down well with people.

Blobby10 What is your plan? It's funny but what you mention about "cuddling up" is one of the reasons I don't want to live with someone! lol. I won't deny, sometimes it is nice. But both guys I lived with wanted us to "sit together" every evening in front of the TV. I like TV some nights. But on others I want to do my craft projects or read etc and I find that a lot of guys see that as "ignoring" them and they get snotty about it. I guess the right guy wouldn't but I never met him!

OP posts:

Original poster

Asta19 · 24/01/2019 12:02

Ah well, what can you do
LTB?

OP posts:

Hotterthanahotthing · 24/01/2019 12:25

I'm divorced so aloneish(have 15 yr old)for 3 years.During my marriage my ex destroyed my social life and we lived near non of my friends.After 18 years In rebuilding.
I am enjoying life but still have no social life.Dd will be leaving in a few years so I have that time to sort myself out .But in the meantime I enjoy being alone,lounging around in my dressing gown mid day on my days off and no one shouting at me or feeling guilty because I'm not being productive.
I also get what someone said about if you're not in the sofa watching TV with your partner they think you are ignoring them.We watch so much less TV since we left and turn it off if there's nothing on.
In terms of feeling lonely I don't but did when I was married.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 24/01/2019 13:05

you're not in the sofa watching TV with your partner they think you are ignoring them.

there were a couple of threads very recently from women saying exactly that!

CallMeSirShotsFired · 24/01/2019 13:20

Of course it's relevant to the thread. On a topic like this, how on earth can one's own experience be irrelevant to the opinions one is sharing?

I mean when people say things like

"oh yes I agree that watching what you want on TV is far easier when living alone - but of course I have been very happily married for 30 years and love my husband very much"

What is the second part of the sentence actually adding?

Blobby10 · 24/01/2019 14:33

Asta19 its a plan involving saving money so I can get a cleaner to do the chores I hate doing . I guess I should just plan to do the chores when he's around !

Knittink · 24/01/2019 17:37

What is the second part of the sentence actually adding?

Well there's a difference between 'Watching what you want on tv is easier when you live alone (and this kind of thing is really important to me, so that's why I've lived alone for 40 years)'

and

''Watching what you want on tv is easier when you live alone, (but I'm happily married, which just goes to show that I clearly find marriage has advantages which outweigh sharing the remote).'

It gives context.

Funnily enough, if people comment that they are divorced or single, nobody seems to accuse them of adding irrelevant information or shoe-horning things in. Seems like sour grapes to me. People aren't boasting about being happily married. They are just commenting on a thread and giving relevant context.

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