To think it's a lot easier to live alone

[Asta19]

I have read so many threads on here now about "couple problems". Arguments over money, over sex, over household chores. Lets not even start on the infidelity threads! Yes, I understand that those who are in good, harmonious relationships aren't going to post because they don't have problems to post about. Not in their relationship at least. But it seems like living with another adult just means so many compromises. I have lived with a couple of guys in the past (not at the same time obviously!) and yes it is nice to have someone ask how was your day (if they do that is!). Or to chat with. But I can honestly say I am so much happier living alone. I could meet the nicest, most accommodating guy in the world now and I still don't think I would ever want to live with him.

People who post about being lonely, wanting to meet someone etc, in fact people I've know in real life also, will say "I don't want to grow old alone". But this is precisely the time I do want to be alone! I'm 50 this year and I am done with compromising and having to please anyone else but me! One of the guys I lived with was 9 years older than me so he'd be nearly 60 now. His body was already pretty knackered back then from years of manual labour so I doubt he's in great condition now. He was also a total grump (part of the reason we broke up) so, had I stayed with him, I'd be with a grumpy old sod who I would probably end up caring for in old age. No thank you!

AIBU to think that it's exactly easier in many ways to just take care of yourself?

What is wrong is judging people for making different choices than you and living a different life. It's not right or wrong to be single or live alone, and it's nobody's business

Don't get me wrong. There's no judgement here. Relationships can be fantastic when they work well. As I said in my OP, it just seems that it can actually be easier living on your own. In that any live-in relationship takes a level of commitment and working at it. For me it's just come to the point where what I could gain from living with someone is not enough to balance out what it would cost me, in terms of time, emotions, etc.

I do get the point of whether it's a choice or not but for me, the choice came from being forced into the position. At first, I won't go so far as to say I hated it, but it felt odd and I did feel bored and lonely. Then I went on a bit of a decorating binge! Nothing elaborate or expensive. A bit of paint from B&Q, a few cheap accessories. But it made a big difference. I took up my old hobbies, and some new ones. I guess I settled into it and started to enjoy it.

Hmm, I often dream about living alone in my own little house free from everyone else's mess. However, I lived on my own when I was 19 to about 21 until my now DH eventually moved in with me. I remember loving my own company but I think I am just remember the good bits and not the bad. I'd rather live with someone, just wish my husband was tidy!

I work with a man who is divorced and has kids who is in a relationship with a woman in the same situation (all the kids are grown up at this stage). They both have their own houses but get together every weekend and maybe once during the week. That would be my idea of a perfect existence i.e. being in a relationship but also having your own space.

@Asta19 I totally get what you mean.

I'm in a happy relationship and have told him in no uncertain terms that I love living on my own and that's not going to change.

He has his place; I have my place and we see each other when we want to (and retreat to our respective homes when we need time alone.)

I have no desire to ever share with a bloke again. No matter how lovely he is.

@jessstan2
That made me chuckle!

When my late DH was alive I loved the days when he worked interstate and I had some more me time.

Now I just crave some adult conversation.

Disclaimer: none of the above is intended in the spirit of, ooh, you should be grateful, you'll be sorry when he's all smelly and corpsified. :o

My sister's husband used to work away Mon-Fri every week for about 6 months or so. He then got a job back home and my sis had to pretend that she was delighted but the truth was that she enjoyed having her own routine with the kids and her own space and way of doing things. She even enjoyed having the bed to herself as he snored also. When he came back full time the house just went back to chaos.

Could not agree with you more. I'm 52 and you need to have a really good reason to be allowed into my house. I'm very solitary (at home) and a social butterfly during the day.

I sometimes dream of my little alone house.
It woudl have a snug cottagy feel, with a moder kitchen diner at the back with huge french windows onto a perfect garden.

I dream of watching anything I liek on TV, eating when I want and leaving my current priject strewn everywhere, or having the place spotlessly tidy if I felt like it.

The thing is what I really need is to be able to excape to this nythical place about one a month for a break.

I love my dh, we live well together, we have 3 older kids, all still at home, and life is very busy, and often about compromise.
But it is also packed full of love, people, funy conversations, nice moments etc ect.

My lovely alone house would feel very empty after a few days (well maybe give me a whole week at the beginning)

I do regularly look round at my larger than life kicthen table and genuinely thank God for them. I wouldn't swap them for anything.

sorry Asta19 I didn't want to imply you were judging.
I was more thinking about other people who do, or other threads where single people are forever pressured to find someone.

Your OP was very much about your own situation and not judgemental at all!

I agree. I found being a single mum easier. And also, women (who generally outlive men) often get a new lease of life when their partner dies.

Not including dd (now 4)

I've pretty much lived on my own since I was 16, apart from the year me and dds dad decided to finally move in together. I'm pretty sure that us moving in together was part of the reason we broke up (although I'm thankful for this, if it didn't happen I wouldn't have really known what he was like and wasted even more years with him..) im 33 now and doubt I'll ever be able to live with anyone again, I wouldn't want to. I was in my own from moving out of home so have lived alone longer than I have lived with other people (by other people I mean family when I was younger) I love it.
I'm in a relationship but he has his own place and I prefer it that way.
Is it helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton who live next door to eachother?? that'd be perfect but as for actually living under the same roof 24/7?? No.thank.you.

@DonCorleoneTheThird

You're right, a lot of people do judge. If someone says they want to be with someone and don't want to be alone people will say "you should be more independent" and "why do you need a man?" (this was said to me numerous times by my mother when I was younger!) and if you don't want to it's "oh, why not, don't you get lonely?". It is frustrating.

Some ignorant people (usually men!) decide I must be "bitter" because I no longer date. Not at all. I don't hate men! I have some fantastic male friends. I just have no desire to live with one!

In my experience Asta19 some men think a single woman is a personal slight, because by saying you don’t want a man you’re rejecting the male species as a whole.

Eyeroll

God forbid me and dh ever split up, but if we did there's no way on gods green earth would I live with anyone ever again. I don't care if he's Tom fucking Hardy!!

It's better to live alone than with the wrong person.

I agree, OP, and I'm very happily married! If anything happened to dh I very much doubt I'd even consider seeking a new partner. And actually, I came to that conclusion mostly from reading MN relationships threads! There are an astonishing number of arseholes out there, and even the vast majority of non-arseholes are people I still wouldn't want to live with.

If living with someone is such a chore and you don't want to compromise, you're not with the right person.

I think I now have the relationship a lot of posters are craving.

I met my DP 5 years ago after my separation in a 13 year marriage.

We both have a DC each. He sees his every weekend, my DC does alternate weekends with his father.

We moved in together two years ago. And from the beginning it didn't feel right. He is an extreme introvert, anxious and our parenting styles are completely different.

He lived in complete fear of upsetting his daughters strict home routine at the weekend. Also stressed about her waking up in the morning and him sleeping etc (she was 11 moving in btw ) so he used to wake up at 5am and doze on the couch for example until she woke up. Breakfast in bed for her at 7am, lunch at midday, same food, same time every weekend

My DC likes to laze in bed if he can, then enjoy brunch with me at 11am.

I was beginning to really dislike the weekends and I lost the peace and quiet of my alone weekends when my DC left for his dad.

I built up a social life when my exDH left and used those alternate weekends to catch up with sleep, chores and friends. But also sometimes to just exist in my underwear with Netflix and chicken nuggets.

Because of his shyness I avoided entertaining at home (which is my favourite social activity) and went out more which he didn't appreciate.

I couldn't do right for doing wrong, and I hated not having time to myself.

So we decided to put the brakes on. It wasn't easy and there was much arguing. I worried about the failure of another relationship that I'd put my DS through. What people would say etc etc etc

He found an apartment 5 minutes away. And now we are each other 1-2 times a week and he's there if I need him. It feels a bit like starting again, but in the long term it's the best thing for us.

My place is again my sanctuary (spent all of Saturday in pjs watching Netflix), we have company if we need it, and I don't have to compromise or grit my teeth about things that drive me crazy. They aren't my problem now.

I don't think I'll ever live with him again, even when the kids grow up and leave. Did I want to grow old with someone?

Yes.

But I also wanted a fun family wedding, a long healthy marriage and an easy career path.

I got none of the above.

But I have a good life, I'm lucky in a lot of ways, and I'm making the best of it.

Can't do more really.

If living with someone is such a chore and you don't want to compromise, you're not with the right person

And this is a problematic attitude.

There is no “right person” for me because I don’t want one. As simple as that.

I agree in that it's better to live alone than live in disharmony (for me) and I'm certainly not with my DH because I don't want to be alone. But when you find the right person it's far better to be together in my opinion. The best partnerships are the ones where you don't have to compromise - because you have found the best person for you and visa versa.

But when you find the right person it's far better to be together in my opinion

I guess this illustrates perfectly the horses for courses point.

Living alone with my DD (and then totally alone when, in the future, she leaves home) is better than any other option there could be. Not because I’ve had bad relationships, quite the opposite. But because I don’t want or need a relationship - it would add nothing to my life.

I completely agree. I’ve been single for over 15 years. Yes I have 2 kids that live with me but I’m the boss of the house so what I say goes I was with my exh for 8 years & I was soooo glad when he left. I’ve never wanted anyone else here & I never will. Even if I met the love of my life tomorrow(I’m not that bothered if I do, I’m not looking), he’d have to have his own place & he’d have to be happy to live separately for the rest of our lives cos I’ll never have anyone here again (except my kids obvs!). I’m 44 next month and too old for drama.

But when you find the right person it's far better to be together in my opinion

All I would say on this is that we should substitute the “when” for IF.
I think that’s something we need to learn in life. We grow up with this “fairy tale” boy meets girl and lives happily ever after and I think that message has a lot to answer for! I spent far too long trying to make the wrong relationships work.

Not everyone does meet the right person for them. And all those messages like “there’s someone out there for everyone” I think are actually quite harmful. Because if you don’t meet that person it feels like you’ve failed. I sort of groan inwardly whenever I see posts on here trying to cheer up an OP who’s lonely and they’ll say “don’t worry I met the love of my love when I was 40, and we got married and had a baby by 45”. That may be true but it doesn’t mean it will happen for the OP posting. In fact, I’d go so far as to say there’s more of a chance that it won’t, than it will. It’s false hopes.

I have several attractive, intelligent, nice, female friends in their 40s who have been single for years. They own their own homes and have good jobs. There’s no “reason” they should be single. I know more single women than married ones actually. and most of them I’ve met though work so it’s not as if I was deliberately seeking other singles. Although interestingly enough, most of my male colleagues are married!

My OH of 2 years and I have decided that, however much we love each other, we will never live together full time. 3-4 nights a week is fine. All weekend is fine (but not if we've spent 3-4 nights a week together!) but full time? Nah. We are both divorced, I have children (adult ones away at uni) but he doesn't. We both need our own space.

The only downside from my perspective is that on the evenings we are together, I feel obliged (not that its a hardship tbh) to snuggle up with him rather than getting on with chores so I get behind with them and get frustrated but I''m working on a plan!