To not tell anyone we are married?

[Twinmama32]

My partner and I have been together for 21 years, have two children, a mortgage and a cat...always felt we didn’t need marriage. my father in law died last year and it shocked me, my perspective changed somewhat, it’s largely to do with security but also recognition legally that we are a couple.
I don’t want a Big wedding, so we are planning a registry one in Easter holidays, just us, children and witnesses (possibly our mums who don’t know and won’t be told till previous week so they don’t tell anyone!).

Thing is do we tell everyone after or just not bother? Always made a big thing of not getting married and now I’m contradicting myself, plus I expect there’s going to be a lot of people who don’t get why we don’t want a big deal/party.
Had anyone ever just not told anyone after the event? Was there fallout?

I guess it still needs to go through parliament and get laws changed...

bluelady good point my children will absolutely tell everyone, but then maybe that’s not a bad thing
I feel a surprising sense of relief, despite decades of never wanting to be married, there’s a huge sense of getting our affairs in order.

'Are heterosexual civil partnerships available yet?'

Not yet, on the way but no date yet

Your wedding, so up to you who you invite, and if you just tell a few people afterwards, your choice.

If you don't want to make a thing of it, then you don't have to. But my feelings would be even if it is a small intimate wedding, it's lovely news to share with people :) is not your usual "what did you get up to this weekend" chat!

Two things you mention stand out to me:

• sense of oweing everyone a good day.... you are not an entertainment show! If your extended family and friends want a good day out, I am sure there are lots of local events/attractions they can visit, or (less jokingly), lots of other special events ahead, birthdays, etc etc. What you see as a private legal matter between you and your DP need not be one.

-both you and your DP starting out on marriage doing something neither of you want or agree with

Everyone assumes DP and I are married because we've been knocking boots for quarter of a century. We're not, we've got wills and that pre-planned power of attorney thing set up instead.

It makes no nevermind for anyone, but if you do tell people you'll probably get a lovely response like peepingsnowdrops.

squeakyreptile true re party I don’t need to entertain, and they will get over it. I hope!

Regarding your second point, I see what your saying however I don’t see us as starting out, given how long we’ve been together, more tying up ends iykwim?

No reason you should feel you have to tell people.
I got married last year after 12 years together.
Literally nothing changed. Not even my name. No one needs to know to be honest.

I just wanted the party!! I'm a firm believer in celebrating (anything and everything) & wanted memories of my friends and family dancing having fun.

It doesn't have to be a big deal.

Sounds like a lovely day with mum's as witnesses. Bit of lunch or dinner after - perfect

I think you're being a little naive to say "nothing will change day to day". Marriage does change a relationship, even a long standing one. You should prepare a little for that change and not assume that everything will just go back to normal.

I tend to agree with BabyDarling, actually. I didn't think that getting married would make any difference to our relationship, but it really did (admittedly we hadn't got kids at that point, but we had bought a house together etc)

And statistically, the group most likely to divorce after teenagers are those who get married having been together for a really long time. I suspect that there are a fair few couple in there who get married to try to patch up an already rocky relationship (ie a very different motivation to the OP), but it's somewhat blithe to ignore this and say that nothing will change after getting married

Kennehora, I agree. If you see marriage as no more 'romantic' than signing the mortgage papers, then your experience of life after marriage will probably differ from someone who wanted the big white wedding, engagement ring and name change

One of my managers at work just took a few days off and announced she'd got married when she came back to work. Your wedding, your choice!

I I find it strange that people wouldn't want to tell others they are married!

They can't be that bad looking surely.

at the inference that I'm someone who had the whole big white wedding schtick!

Yes, I had more than three people at the wedding (though I would still class a small registry office do as a "proper wedding" ) and I did change my name.

But my point was that I really didn't expect the wedding to make any difference to our relationship. In my head I had "we are in love, we are committed, what difference does a piece of paper make anyway?", but that's not how it felt afterwards. And talking to other people who have been married - who had varying sizes of wedding / size of engagement ring / nomenclature - most of them felt the same as well, including those who only got married to facilitate paperwork (such as visas, military housing) or because it was the simplest way to take care of their children and estate in the event of one of them dying.

Maybe it won't make any difference one way or the other to the OP, but I thought BabyDarling made a good point in flagging it up, in case it was something that the OP hadn't considered and might take her (or her DP/DH) by surprise. That's all

Are you deep down a bit uncomfortable about the way you're doing It? As much as I understand the legalities, you are still a couple making a commitment to each other. What will you wear, will you go out for dinner after, or straight home and pretend it didn't happen?

Is there financial concerns? Is that why no celebration, even a small one?

Interested in the fact that I may feel different after being married, I’ve heard this before from others, but this has mostly been from couples who hadn’t been together as long and without children at the time. I wonder if we will feel different, only time will tell I suppose .
Name wise I won’t change my name and from the outside at least we will be the same.
It’s a bit depressing the stat re divorce being higher for those who’ve been together a longtime pre marriage. Perhaps in the past that’s why we haven’t, not wanting to change anything. I now see it wouldn’t be jinxing our happiness rather securing it for us all.

bluntness regarding plans on the day, we will go out for a meal to celebrate and mark the occasion with our mothers and children. We’ve discussed trying to go away with the kids for a few days afterwards but that’s not been decided yet.
No financial concerns at all, although I personally couldn’t justify a large wedding as I’d rather spend the money on something like a big family holiday and house renovations (romantic moi?! )

We'd been together for years and only got married because DH had a cancer diagnosis and was worried about the legal stuff. We only had my siblings (both sets of parents deceased) and our 4 yr old present at the Registry office and went for a meal out immediately afterwards. No honeymoon (which was a shame I think), but DH started treatment a week later.
I really wouldn't ever want a fancy wedding as I'd resent wasting money on unnecessary fripperies.
I wasn't even going to wear a dress as I live in jeans/sport clothes but DH thought it would be nice so I relented and bought a summery frock from Monsoon. Not worn it since.
Can't say I feel any different but decided to just use my married name when we moved house as it felt like a fresh start after DH officially in remission.
Honestly, it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Go for it. Your plans sound sensible and reasonable.

Remember that marriage invalidates any wills you have, so you'll need to redo your wills after you're married.

Family friends of ours got married after many years together, also had children, mortgage etc. Just like you.

We got a text along the lines of...'a message to all our family and friends, on our recent holiday with the kids we finally got around to tying the knot and are now Mr & Mrs, it was a very low key event only attended by our daughters, who were both really excited, we really enjoyed the day as a family'

To which we responded with congratulations and bought them a round next time we bumped into them at the pub. It was clear they didn't want a fuss, and we were happy for them, it sounded like a lovely day tbh.

It's good that you're taking this step promptly. If you're doing it for legal reasons then it makes more sense than waiting until the as yet unspecified date when CP becomes available to you. I can't personally see any reason why you need to tell anyone if you don't want to, and if I felt like you do, I'm not sure I'd even bother having your children and parents there. But if your kids are going to be aware of it and can't be trusted to keep schtum, then maybe do mention it to family and friends.