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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell anyone we are married?

59 replies

Twinmama32 · 22/01/2019 18:02

My partner and I have been together for 21 years, have two children, a mortgage and a cat...always felt we didn’t need marriage. my father in law died last year and it shocked me, my perspective changed somewhat, it’s largely to do with security but also recognition legally that we are a couple.
I don’t want a Big wedding, so we are planning a registry one in Easter holidays, just us, children and witnesses (possibly our mums who don’t know and won’t be told till previous week so they don’t tell anyone!).

Thing is do we tell everyone after or just not bother? Always made a big thing of not getting married and now I’m contradicting myself, plus I expect there’s going to be a lot of people who don’t get why we don’t want a big deal/party.
Had anyone ever just not told anyone after the event? Was there fallout?

OP posts:
Peepingsnowdrops · 22/01/2019 18:08

I have a work friend who took annual leave and came back married two days later. We were delighted for them. Had little fancy lunch bought it and to be honest just was happy for them. I don't think you need to tell anyone before but I don't think I would hide it after. Nice happy occasion and people will wish you well.

I think the fact you are only having your mum's is totally different from having some friends and not others.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2019 18:21

After 21 years, I think all you have to do is mention you got married when relevant and leave it at that.

RoboticSealpup · 22/01/2019 18:46

Always made a big thing of not getting married

Why? You think it makes you superior to married people somehow?

Original poster
Twinmama32 · 22/01/2019 19:43

No not superior, what an odd thing to say!
Rather we were happy with life as it was and not particularly fussed about marriage, which seemed to frustrate some of the people close to us as we weren’t doing what they wanted.

OP posts:
VanillaSauce · 22/01/2019 19:45

You don't have to announce it, you can mention it in conversation if it comes up.

Kennehora · 22/01/2019 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bebe03 · 22/01/2019 19:46

I don’t think people would mind & if they did who cares? It’s your decision!

I think people are more relaxed about this sort of thing now and the reasons are totally understandable.

Hope you have a good day, whatever you decide :)

FrogsLegs33 · 22/01/2019 19:48

Just keep it simple and tell people what you’ve said here.

A loss in the family made you both realise that there was security/benefit in marriage so you did it for those reasons.

You aren’t strictly contradicting yourself. You still don’t believe that it proves love or the worth of your relationship but you saw logical reasons for it anyway

Original poster
Twinmama32 · 22/01/2019 19:52

Yes true to me it is more of a legal thing, and very little will change day to day.... I think I probably feel a bit guilty we are not providing a big do for everyone, it feels like “our turn”, but that’s really not us. So it’s my own guilt that’s making me worry that it looks like I’m being secretive when actually it’s just a legality which we agree we now need.
I just need to get over myself Grin

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 22/01/2019 19:53

'It's a legal contract and has no importance to anyone except us.'

That's exactly how I feel. All the fuss around weddings makes me cringe. DP and I are planning either to get married or have a civil partnership fairly soon and I would be happy to tell no one

lemonface · 22/01/2019 19:56

Oh I know what you mean exactly! We are together 20 years and I am quite against marriage but am so gutted that we may have to for reasons of inheritance tax and NOK.
I don't want to, but we may have to and would hate to have to tell people we got married and would really hate a big or even a small wedding grrrr

OnceInARedMoon · 22/01/2019 19:56

Just change your Facebook status 😁😂
But seriously, I'd tell people close to me and people who might need to know like employer, bank etc? Anyone else can just find out in general conversation if you want.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 22/01/2019 20:11

I have a work colleague who popped out one thursday lunchtime for a slightly longer lunch and came back to her desk married. Great excuse for our team to dash out to buy some celebratory Wine Cake
Witnesses took a few photos on her iphone. She had a long weekend honeymoon and was back at work on monday. Theyd been together 15yrs and just didnt want a fuss.

Bluelady · 22/01/2019 20:14

Do you seriously think your children won't tell anyone?

honeylulu · 22/01/2019 20:18

You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. Your ceremony can be simple, just pull in a couple of witnesses from the waiting room, no rings/ special outfits. You don't have to call each other husband/ wife or changed surname. I think it's quite romantic, a fuss free wedding concerning just the two of you!

RoboticSealpup · 22/01/2019 20:18

not particularly fussed

But "always made a big thing of not getting married", for some reason.

Jaimx86 · 22/01/2019 20:21

^ Does your employer/bank need to know?
We got married in NYC and just told family when we returned. Haven’t updated anyone else.

CountFosco · 22/01/2019 20:21

Get simple wedding bands and wait for people to notice. You don't need to tell anyone. Workmates I'm sure will be delighted for you but be ready for some family members to be awkward about it. People are funny about weddings.

AlisonW1982 · 22/01/2019 20:24

You think it makes you superior to married people somehow

But legally, tax and financial planning wise.. to become next of kin for medical decisions.... It IS superior.

I applaud OP for ensuring her and future DH are protecting themselves. We should not pretend that cohabiting and marriage are equally powerful in these terms.. they're not. You don't have to like it (that's a separate discussion...) But they are not equal.

HAMGina · 22/01/2019 20:26

What about a Civil Partnership?

Gives you all the legal rights and no marriage U-turn?

RandomMess · 22/01/2019 20:34

I have a friend that doesn't want to be married, historic misogyny the main reason I think. I'm not sure why I would be thrilled if she did marry ConfusedConfused perhaps then everything legally is secure I guess...

I've told her to do it and not tell anyone or go to IoM for CP or I reckon they may now CP instead with the law change.

If they ever do and ever tell me I'll just be happy for them and crack a Prosecco open.

Don't care if I'm not invited no big do not told. I'd just be happy those last few legal things are sorted I guess. They've been together 30 years or so!

Bluelady · 22/01/2019 20:36

Semantics, a civil partnership and marriage are different only in that adultery isn't grounds for dissolving the former. Are heterosexual civil partnerships available yet?

RandomMess · 22/01/2019 20:37

CP doesn't have the same financial intertwining either - you keep your own assets!

I think they are, case was won a few months ago.

OlennasWimple · 22/01/2019 20:38

You could have a party about 6 months afterwards (do you have a milestone birthday coming up that you could use as the excuse?) and tell anyone who doesn't already know then? I know friends of friends who did that, and I understand that it worked well because people felt that they got a chance to celebrate with them but without hired suits, a marquee and sugared almonds

Bluelady · 22/01/2019 20:42

I know the case was won. If they were available I'm sure the first one would have made the news.