To feel drained by my friend's woes and constant need for my emotional support?

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Been providing a listening ear, endless sympathy/empathy and endless advice to a close friend regarding the same romantic situation for nearing on a year, now (despite experiencing my own, very complex struggles - without emotional support). I'm now exhausted, and starting to feel burdened by my dear friend. I feel bad for feeling this way, too.

Dear friend has always been a highly emotional person, always caught up in some relationship drama. I've always been highly empathetic and supportive. But, recently, I've started to feel myself being affected by my friend's problems and constant need for my emotional support. Drained, emotionally. It requires a lot of mental energy to be there for somebody, so constantly. I put a lot of effort into crafting words of encouragement and coming up with alternative perspectives. It requires a certain level of creativity. It also requires a lot of time out of your day, mental presence and patience.

I'm starting to feel that my efforts are being taken for granted. Dear friend knows that I have my own problems, but our conversations are dominated by her problems - few questions are asked about me, or how I may be doing (not in comparison to how much time is spent talking about her/her problems, at least).

I'm also finding it hard to emotionally 'keep up' with the pace of her situation (the situation causing her emotional distress). She's in a very on/off situation with a love interest, and when they're 'off' and my friend enters a depressive state, I'll put a lot of effort into offering words of support. When they're 'on' again and my friend's tone changes to an upbeat one, this sudden shift causes me to feel emotionally jet-lagged and drained. Also makes me feel that my efforts are redundant - in vain.

I'm truly feeling burdened by my friend's woes, and as though she's being emotionally inconsiderate (unintentionally, of course). I know she means no harm and that she's just so wrapped up in her own world and her own emotions, but I feel I need to distance myself from all this and sort of 'protect my peace'.

Adding to all this is the fact that I have an 8-month-old baby who, of course, requires my round-the-clock care. When I have to get off the phone to dear friend to feed or care for my baby, dear friend will often make a remark such as "I'm not gonna hear from you for the rest of the day, am I?", which makes me feel guilty. Similarly, I often feel as though I'm not giving my baby my full attention, because I'm on the phone to dear friend. Guilty either way.

I just feel totally consumed by my friend's woes and need for my constant support.

AIBU for feeling this way?

You need to work on your boundaries, pronto! She sounds self-centred and draining.

Go check out Captain Awkward, she has scripts for this

Has she even noticed that you have a young baby who is also quite important and time consuming? I think you need to think carefully about how much more support you owe your friend, you have been very kind in the past but she really expects a lot from you, doesn't she?

milkmoustache aidelmaidel thanks for your responses. There's definitely an issue with boundaries, yes. Dear friend is generally quite "needy", and over the years I've communicated to her that I find her expectations too high, at times. I've also more recently expressed that I'm struggling to offer her this constant emotional support whilst dealing with my own battles. She now sometimes reassures me that "I don't want you to support me, or anything" when opening up a conversation about her lover, and that's her way of saying "I'm not asking you to give me advice, or anything". What she doesn't realise, though, is that it's not just offering advice that's draining... actively listening to her troubles and being present and responsive are still things that require mental energy and time out of my day. That being said, she still goes on to say things like "What am I supposed to do?", which is asking for advice, essentially. I think she uses the "I'm not asking you to support me" line so that she can never be accused of draining me, because she didn't ask for it (although, let's face it, she still demands it).

Captain Awkward looks like en excellent (and very unique) resource - I'll definitely have a browse through the archives on there!

An excellent*

Shut it down! Stop answering the phone as much for one thing. You can quite legitimately text to say you are unable to talk at the moment because you're doing x y z with the baby. She sounds like an utter nightmare.

Text her back as you can't speak at the moment.
She can't spill all that out in a text.
Be less available.
Start the conversations about you and keep bringing them back to you and the baby.
Be less one sided.

This sounds like a one-sided friendship as you're the one helping her deal with her problems, but does she do the same for you? It doesn't sound like it.

She sounds like an energy sponge. It's exhausting dealing with someone like that.

Been in a similar situation and it's not sustainable. Your priority is your little one, which she doesn't understand because she's self centered and has always had you to help pick up the pieces (emotionally). Do you really need someone like that in your life?

I have a friend like this. She's also impossible to hang up on - will ignore me when I say I really have to go, saying "oh just one more thing" ad infinitum. Anyway, I couldn't cope with it either, so I started telling her what l actually thought of her situation, rather trying to be nice and bland and figure out what she wanted to hear. It was much less stressful for me than passively listening to her car-crash relationship stories and also had the added side effect of leading to her not calling me very often anymore.

Be less available, stop giving her so much of your time and tell her to contact a qualified counsellor.

I had a friend like this once. The friendship didn’t last long at all, I couldn’t cope with how negative and draining he was. In the end I told him to find a therapist and never spoke to him again.

Hi, posters. Thanks for your input! The advice to 'be less available' is quite sound, I think. I've gone AWOL for the day and haven't responded to a single message of hers, although it's still slightly stressful to receive a string of emotionally-driven notifications (whether I intended to or not, I have, to a certain extent, taken on a lot of her pain). Another friend suggested turning my notifications off on Whatsapp, so that I only have to subject myself to her pain when I'm ready to - I think that's quite a good idea. Hopefully, in due time, she'll start to realise that I'm not available around-the-lock to comfort her through her miseries.

Seems that quite a few of you have had a similar experience. I think people need to be more considerate of others' time, patience, own burdens and so forth when seeking them out as a source of emotional support.

OP - not surprised you are drained by your friend, I don't know how on earth you've managed to give her sustained support for such a long period of time! Please don't feel bad in pushing back-you can of course just avoid them but in my experience it's best to be firm but kind and to say that you can't keep listening so frequently and regularly for the sake of your own mental health and also because you have to look after your baby. Offer times/a frequency which you might feel able to, if you like (so a half hour chat once a week) but don't do this unless you want to and actually can. If they are a decent person they'll understand; if not, you are better off without them. Incidentally, their going over and over the situation with you won't just drive you mad, it won't do them any good in the long run either.

Those who say would she do the same for you ....

I had a friend like this,listened to her troubles for 5 years...she dumped me in the middle of my cancer treatment

If its not all about them then they are not interested

If its not all about them then they are not interested

This is not actually true of my friend. She would listen to me if I had problems and has in the past. It's just that any problems I might have these days seem so tiny in comparison to her chaotic life that I don't mention them to her anymore. If I every do, she confidently gives me advice that she insists I act on, and I honestly cannot take life advice from someone who's personal life has been problematic as hell for ten plus years.

She's an emotional vampire. You end each encounter feeling drained, but she ends them feeling revitalised and able to get on with things now she's sucked you dry.
She's using you. You are only worth what she can get from you, to her.
Start being hard. Refuse to listen to the boyfriend subject.

I have had a couple of friends like this and a family member. I think its time to distance yourself and speak the truth when questioned.
My best friend had an affair with a married man for 4 years. This dominated our friendship that whole time. I absolutely hated it. I was close to finishing the friendship when they seperated and within a few weeks she was able to see the bad effect it had on her and everyone involved and she apologises even years later.

My own mother every time she sees me alone wants to speak to me negatively about my father because she doesn't have anyone else to talk to. Again very draining for me and no enjoyment in seeing the person.
I think sometimes you need to be selfish. You are not getting anything out of the friendship so what is the point of it continuing? If she asks you why you have withdrawn, explain that the situation she is in negatively effects your friendship because that's all she talks about, it has made her selfish, its a one sided friendship. She can then decide how much your friendship means and if she's willing to change

JollyOldSoul has nailed it. You have an Emotional Vampire. She chooses to live in chaos - you don't have to be part of it.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life

You are also most likely suffering from compassion fatigue. You genuinely care about her and her problems. But everyone has to be able to step back and regroup and take time for themselves. Muting just her on what's app is possible. You can also turn off the setting which tells people if you're on there or not.

Sounds to me (as someone who suffered for years but I'm not a professional psychologist so take with a pinch of salt) that she has EUPD/BPD if she is prone to sinking into depression from a breakup and then snapping to a great mood so fast it gives you mental whiplash. I only mention this to say: be aware of the fact that backing away from her might lead to her feeling "abandoned" and becoming quite emotionally abusive towards you. I still 100% think you are doing the right thing by making yourself less available, but just wanted to put that out there so you don't get blindsided. You have to push through this - it's the best thing for her in the long run as well as she needs to learn to deal with her issues either on her own or with professional help.

I agree you need to be franker, blunter.

You are being both Too Nice and Too Careful. Both are encouraging her to keep dumping on you.

When she says "I'm not going to hear from you for the rest of the day now am I?" get pissed off. No she's fucking not because you have A BABY.

So answer accordingly. "No you're definitely not"

Stop being so scared of her.

She's a shit friend and this friendship has an expiration date that is fast approaching unless you step way back.

She is not your responsibility. At all.

I had a friend who was very needy at a time I was going through a difficult time myself. She wanted to meet up about 3 times a week, i was ignoring my partner/family to support her. I'm an introvert so tbh don't want to see anyone 3xweek, it's too much! I had to put in firm boundaries for my own sake. Friendship is a two way street x

This thread is so helpful. I have a very similar situation with a friend at the moment and it’s exhausting me. I have been toying with posting a thread about her myself. Compassion fatigue’ and ‘emotional vampire’ are such perfect ways to describe it.

My friend has been supportive of me in a few different situations but it’s like she thrives on drama, so I quickly learned not to listen to her advice as it’s usually terrible and she tends to recommend whatever course of action is most likely to result in further drama. I also feel like I get a limited amount of support from her before she gets bored and wants to talk about herself again.

What I find hard with my friend is that she’s incredibly over-analytical about every situation and yet completely lacking in self awareness. The kind of person who goes on and on about needing positive energy in her life and putting out good vibes, without realising that she’s just spent the last hour subjecting me to an overwhelming stream of negativity that’s left me completely drained.

If I talk to my friend about how she’s making me feel I worry that it’ll just fuel more drama and add to her general ‘me against the world’ script so I’ve started to do what others here have suggested and have just stopped engaging with her as much. I’ve had to generally make myself less available to preserve my own sanity.

Definitely being too nice OP

Wow you are saving her a fortune in therapy bills. That’s what you are an unpaid therapist. I felt stressed reading your post I would pull away put up some boundaries

I had a friend like this.
When I tried to distance to allow myself to deal with my own situation and dc she ended the friendship because I was selfish 😂
She did the same to our other friend who had no dc but was going through a cancer scare at the same time.
Some people only see how others can build them up.
And do not realise a friendship is about building each other up.
Good luck