To feel drained by my friend's woes and constant need for my emotional support?

[ripeavocado]

Been providing a listening ear, endless sympathy/empathy and endless advice to a close friend regarding the same romantic situation for nearing on a year, now (despite experiencing my own, very complex struggles - without emotional support). I'm now exhausted, and starting to feel burdened by my dear friend. I feel bad for feeling this way, too.

Dear friend has always been a highly emotional person, always caught up in some relationship drama. I've always been highly empathetic and supportive. But, recently, I've started to feel myself being affected by my friend's problems and constant need for my emotional support. Drained, emotionally. It requires a lot of mental energy to be there for somebody, so constantly. I put a lot of effort into crafting words of encouragement and coming up with alternative perspectives. It requires a certain level of creativity. It also requires a lot of time out of your day, mental presence and patience.

I'm starting to feel that my efforts are being taken for granted. Dear friend knows that I have my own problems, but our conversations are dominated by her problems - few questions are asked about me, or how I may be doing (not in comparison to how much time is spent talking about her/her problems, at least).

I'm also finding it hard to emotionally 'keep up' with the pace of her situation (the situation causing her emotional distress). She's in a very on/off situation with a love interest, and when they're 'off' and my friend enters a depressive state, I'll put a lot of effort into offering words of support. When they're 'on' again and my friend's tone changes to an upbeat one, this sudden shift causes me to feel emotionally jet-lagged and drained. Also makes me feel that my efforts are redundant - in vain.

I'm truly feeling burdened by my friend's woes, and as though she's being emotionally inconsiderate (unintentionally, of course). I know she means no harm and that she's just so wrapped up in her own world and her own emotions, but I feel I need to distance myself from all this and sort of 'protect my peace'.

Adding to all this is the fact that I have an 8-month-old baby who, of course, requires my round-the-clock care. When I have to get off the phone to dear friend to feed or care for my baby, dear friend will often make a remark such as "I'm not gonna hear from you for the rest of the day, am I?", which makes me feel guilty. Similarly, I often feel as though I'm not giving my baby my full attention, because I'm on the phone to dear friend. Guilty either way.

I just feel totally consumed by my friend's woes and need for my constant support.

AIBU for feeling this way?

You're definitely not being unreasonable. As much as she's your dear friend and you feel for her struggles, it sounds like the relationship is very unbalanced. She's disappointed that you are choosing to put your 8 month old baby before her - she's so absorbed in her woes that she cant see how unreasonable it is for her to want to be prioritised over an infant. And it sounds like it doesnt matter what you say, or how much time you give, it's like a bottomless pit of need that you can't ever satisfy. I'm guessing you go round in circles with the same things over and over? And without something happening to change that balance, I imagine it'll continue like that ad finitum - with the result that you'll end up burning out or getting so frustrated you cut her off.

As pp said putting in some boundaries would really help you, I know it's hard! What is it you feel guilty about if you do? Maybe write down the reasons stopping you from boundary setting and then discuss them with someone not emotionally involved, or come back to the list when you feel calm and reflective and see if there's any evidence for them? What are the potential costs (to you, your baby, anyone else) if this continues?

Also fwiw (not that I'm a fan of diagnostic labels) but it doesn't sound like it fits with the label of EUPD at all.

Hi, all. 'Energy vampire' and 'compassion fatigue' are such fitting terms. I've done a little reading into both and I definitely feel that they're what's going on, here.

I do feel I need to have a chat with her to explain to her how her (as a pp put it) 'bottomless pit' of woes are starting to drain me. Definitely need to have a conversation about setting some healthy boundaries.

RoboticSealpup this friend, too, seems to thrive on chaos - especially romantic chaos. I remember her once observing that she's attracted to people who are quite chaotic because they offer 'excitement'. She knew that that statement didn't sound right and was very much a problem! She seems to have a lot of un-healed scars and unresolved conflicts within herself, resulting in the seeking out of harmful or 'toxic' romantic relationships. Just a shame that others have to feel the weight of it, too!

BeanTownNancy strangely enough, dear friend is convinced that her lover suffers from EUPD/BPD, although she suspects that she may have it, too. She's definitely very complex, emotionally, and goes through periods of 'acting out' in way that someone with EUPD/BPD might. She is also prone to bouts of verbal abuse in various situations. I, myself, have been on the receiving end of this (usually when we've fallen out because she's 'acted out' in a way I deem unacceptable, and I've had to cut her off abruptly). It's all very emotionally complex, yes...

lisasimpsonssaxophone I am glad that you have found some comfort in this thread. Like yourself, I also feel I receive a limited amount of support from dear friend before the conversation swiftly returns to her woes. This eventually put me off bringing up my troubles, together. She also has a victim mentally and a tendency to self-pity, so I completely understand your feelings around distancing yourself - I feel the same. A pp posted a link to an article I think you might find useful. Seems that dear friend may be a few kinds of ‘emotional vampire’ - ‘The Victim’, ‘The Constant Talker’ and ‘The Drama Queen’!

cleanasawhistle wow, that's a terrible thing for your so-called ‘friend' to have done. What a horrible way to find out who she truly is, although at least now you know. I hope the treatment was successful and you are now in remission? Wishing you the absolute best! 💐

lisasimpsonssaxophone bringing up my troubles, altogether*

do feel I need to have a chat with her to explain to her how her (as a pp put it) 'bottomless pit' of woes are starting to drain me

Be careful. There's a reason why these types of conversations are good reality show fodder. They tend to get dramatic as the indignant party hurls themselves headlong into the victim role.

Tbh I would try to think of ways of drawing boundaries without such a risky conversation.

RIPE.
I have been in remission for over 3 years,thank you for your good wishes.

I hope you can solve things with your friend

I have a friend who is a little like this (although not quite as needy). I've been supporting her through her marriage breakdown for a year during which I have undergone some fertility treatment (unsuccessful). It's been a very hard year and because I had so much on my shoulders and didn't really want to talk about my fertility, I hadn't realised how one-sided this relationship is.

In the past month a close family member of mine became unwell, hospitalised, became seriously ill and just a few days ago, passed away. I am heartbroken and need support. I have told 'dfriend' only for her to say "oh that's awful, I hope you're ok. I am not ok, exh has done X & Y.' I've now sent one shitty messages simply saying "I can't believe your response to me losing (my family member) is to talk to me about your exh. I very rarely need support but right now I do. You don't seem to understand so I'm being selfish and finding what I need elsewhere. I'll contact you when I'm ready.'

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind I think OP. I'm not giving my friend an option to explain herself or try and improve. I'm taking control by giving myself space. If and when I'm ready, I'll contact her, but it'll be on my terms and if she remains the same, I'll back off again. I seriously think you should do the same.

If you have the chat, prepare yourself to be criticised, accused of being uncaring and being blamed for all sorts of random stuff.

That's how the script usually goes.

I had similar issues with a friend - a series of emotional dramas with men she was "accidentally" leading on. She just couldn't understand why they all wanted her so so much! I found being very honest was revealing (maybe you shouldn't kiss them in cafe's/text and message them all of the time or photos of your body? Esp if you have no intention of seeing them?). If all else fails you have been honest. These people are draining and attention seeking and often don't want any more than someone to hear how amazing they are and pay lip service.

And yes, don't expect them to give similar time and effort to any issues YOU are having!

I'm interested as to whether the other posters friends on this thread also have very active facebook profiles? My friend has constant pictures of herself and kids - with a seemingly idyllic life, constant videos of them all having such fun! I'm sure I am not the only one who hears her dramas, and she will usually get around 50 likes/loves for each post. Does this make any of you a little bit ? It's just such a different person to the one I have in front of me moaning/whinging/confused and 'weak' for hours at a time.

I would dump her. Seriously, she is a selfish user. Life is miles better without people like this.

I've just dumped an emotional vampire and I feel so much better for it.

I’m in a very similar position with a ‘friend’ who in the four years that I have known her just goes from one drama/crises to another some of which are quite major (however 90% of the time is self-inflicted). She doesn’t listen or take any advice on board as she thinks everyone is against her and she is in the right. It is very demanding emotionally, especially when you have your own stuff going on.

I am now trying to distance myself but if she texts and if I don’t go back within 24 hrs she turns up at my front door to ask why I haven’t been in touch or waits for me outside my place of work! I am also trying the very blunt approach (which is very unlike me but am getting to the end of my tether now). You have my sympathies OP.

I’m not sure I’d bother having a chat with her, she sounds too self absorbed to hear it.

Just start putting boundaries down, text “sorry, can’t chat, tied up with baby issues today”. And repeat.

I have a. "best friend" (according to her) of 20 years standing who I've been trying to shake for years. For the first few years i felt really bad for her that she was in such a lot of emotional pain.

Last year we were at a group thing and another "best friend" of hers of about 35 years standing was also there. The vampire gushed about both of us saying she just couldn't live without our support.

I watched the other "best friend" carefully and could see she was as uncomfortable and noncommittal as me. I realised then - she does it to everyone.

This last six months has been very, very hard for me as my Dad is very frail and unwell. I've barely heard from her, i think she hasn't quite got the courage to whinge about her every single emotion to me atm.

I used to go to a counsellor and a portion of every session was taken up with how awful I felt after listening to all her crap.

I got to this point with my friend.

In the end I said “unless you’re prepared to listen to advice or at least actively try and change the situation, I don’t want to listen to you complaining anymore. There’s no point whinging if you have ways to make it better and you choose not to do it!”

Had to repeat this a few times along similar lines but it eventually sunk in.

Have another friend who’s going the same way at the moment but she’s a bit more emotionally delicate and wouldn’t react as well to that kind of straight talk.

Send her an invoice for your talk therapy services.

Wow! I'm quite surprised to hear just how many people have a friend like this, but I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one frustrated by it.

I've realised that the older I get (and I'm really not old - 25), the less patience I have for people's relationship woes. I can't help but feel that, to a certain extent, they're self-inflicted. I know that it's a lot more complex than that since emotions (and often attachment, low self-esteem, emotional abuse and so forth) is involved, but it's easy to grow frustrated by your friend's bad choices and overall foolish behaviour (since you're the one who has to endlessly hear about it/pick up the emotional 'pieces'). I also find myself viewing relationship problems as a kind of luxury problem next to problems I've encountered recently (my health, motherhood struggles, serious financial struggles).

Sorry I haven't responded to everyone individually, but I'm very happy to hear that cleanasawhistle has been in remission for 3 years - very heart-warning! 💛

Sorry, I should have said 'dating woes'/'dating problems' (a step beneath relationship woes/problems)*

I have a friend who uses people up in this way. She tends to have one "rock" who she dumps on emotionally all the time - usually there's a crisis about her ex or her kids.

When you first get to know her you feel sorry for her and think she's going through a bad patch. You help her out emotionally and sometimes financially but then slowly realise she doesnt care about you at all and most of her problems are of her own making or not true. She lies and exaggerates everything .

She's a terrible friend in return. She misses arrangements, doesnt listen when you talk, talks over you and always has a worse problem than you. "Oh you have a headche, well I have a migraine" etc. and when you finally come to your senses and detach she moves on to the next "rock".

Its happened to three of my friends and me too. Her latest BFF takes her kids to school and fixes her house up for her. I hope she's getting something back in return but I doubt it.

"I'm not gonna hear from you for the rest of the day, am I?"

Most people don’t have time to text their friends more than once during the day because they have children or work! Does she have anything else in her life?

I know this is a thread from the beginning of the year but I had to comment to say the advice from everyone - OP and others has really help me. Thank you.

I've realized I have been sucked into similar by someone I have been friends with for years. I had been worrying I am not being a good friend because I only tend to agree to see her now if it fits my schedule rather than going out of my way to arrange time or invite her to things. Questioning myself on this and feeling guilty about it I have come to the conclusion that energy sapping is exactly what she has been doing . No attempts to remove herself or improve situations causing her difficulties, minimises anything I am concerned about and shifts back to her.

There have been a few situations in the last year when my needs should have been top priority and she has monopolised. I have accepted 'this is just how she is', balanced with 'but she did X Y Z' when I asked her too, responds if I send a 'something has happened text'. It is as if I have just woken up to see it all as it really is. I'm her unpaid therapist regardless of the impact of this on my own well being and I think she gets a buzz if there is a drama to enfold herself in. This is my attempt to say 'no more', my well-being is as important as hers and I can deal with her by keeping her out of my business. I hope those of you on here who have been through similar are happy with your boundaries. Can't believe I have been asleep for so long!