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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this situation?

39 replies

UterusUterusGhali · 22/01/2019 11:38

I don't know if I'm being U or if this is normal. I can't tell.

Ex husband has recently got a new job. He used to work weekends and have the DC on weekdays. He's now halved the contact says he sees them (eow) and never takes them to school which has meant I've had to pay for a breakfast club and after school care an extra 3 days a week.

He earns 5 times what I do, but refuses to help with childcare costs.

He is supposed to pay more child maintenance but he's very hit and miss. He resents paying it. I'm looking in to getting it paid directly but the CMS takes a percentage which I resent.

AIBU to be so upset that he's making more money at my expense? The childcare is crippling me. Since he's had his new job we are really struggling.

OP posts:
Postino · 22/01/2019 11:40

YANBU he sounds like a total wanker Angry

JonSlow · 22/01/2019 11:41

Surely a payment through CMS is better than no payment at all? Stop cutting your nose off to spite your face.

ChariotsofFish · 22/01/2019 11:42

Go to CMS. That percentage is worth paying.

greendale17 · 22/01/2019 11:43

I'm looking in to getting it paid directly but the CMS takes a percentage which I resent.

^Well stop moaning then. You know what to do to get more money from him but you won’t do it. Tough then isn’t it?

kitkatsky · 22/01/2019 11:43

The CMS do take a percentage off you, but a much bigger percentage off him, so I'd comfort yourself with that and not let him off. Not that I can talk...

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 22/01/2019 11:45

He does pay but it's often late and always too little. He'll round down or just pay what he wants. He knocked a full £100 off this month. :(

I think he thinks the extra CMS as he's had a pay rise covers the childcare. But the childcare is SO much more.

OP posts:
user1494670108 · 22/01/2019 11:47

If you can't have a reasonable conversation with him about it then you need to get CMS whether or not they take some, you need a regular reasonable amount every month

Scarydinosaurs · 22/01/2019 11:49

I think you need to keep a spreadsheet tracking his underpayments and switch to the CMS organised payment as clearly this set up isn’t working.

If he will also pay an extra % perhaps offer him a standing order, or go to CMS offer first?

Moondancer73 · 22/01/2019 11:52

No doubt in my mind that you should be going to the CMS. Yes there is a charge but it's bigger to him and since he's taking up to £100 off then you are massively losing out if you don't go to them. Have you applied for tax credit help with childcare costs?

WheelyCote · 22/01/2019 11:52

The CMS will encourage an arrangement....then no percentage required. However if he falters on the arrangement then you can go the percentage route. But get it formalised

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 22/01/2019 11:53

greendale the point is my expenses are so much more as he's changed his job. More than £100 per month.

I don't know if he should have to pay towards childcare as well as CM because his job change has lead to this massive increase in outgoings.

OP posts:
Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 22/01/2019 11:54

I get tax credit but afterschool childcare is in the form of clubs as no local childminders (really!)

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 22/01/2019 11:54

Really, he should have sorted out childcare for his times that he could no longer do. But he doesn't sound like the reasonable sort.

I would go via the CMS. No question.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 22/01/2019 11:58

The cms payment taken is on top of exh amount not from your amount is my understanding.

GahWhatever · 22/01/2019 12:02

Calculate the amount he should pay via the CMS website. It will have gone up because he's earning more and because he is having them less overnight.
Show him the figures: he can either pay it regularly for his children or you can arrange for CMS to take it but his kids will get less and he won't pay any less.

RelaxedSelfGuiding · 22/01/2019 12:05

If you go through CMS then the amount he pays will be proportional to the number of nights he has DCs. Fewer nights = more money to you. Would be a good idea to check out the bands they use to make sure you're in the most favourable bracket. If they manage the payment it will cost you something like 4% but for him it will be an additional 20%, so worth it from your side. There's a calculator on the .gov website: www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Good luck OP

CatnissEverdene · 22/01/2019 12:09

I'd rather pay the fees than have 100% of nothing. The only person you're spiting here is yourself.

Having said that, he's a wanker to behave like this. Is the contact court ordered or an arrangement between you? If it's court ordered, I'd drag his sorry arse back in there as he's clearly breaking it and making you bear the financial burden.

lalalalyra · 22/01/2019 12:09

Check with the clubs if they are registered. Two of the afterschool clubs mine go to are actually fully set up and registered so can be counted as childcare for tax credit purposes

Also although CMS will charge you a % they'll also charge him an extra 20% so might be worth telling him that if he doesn't sort it out you'll go to CMS and that will hit him in the pocket harder.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 22/01/2019 12:11

CMS. I went for years with my Ex telling me what he’d pay. I never questioned it. Recently contacted CMS and I’m now receiving £175 extra per month, on top of what he was giving me. I knew he wasn’t being truthful but didn’t want to rock the otherwise “ok” boat.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 22/01/2019 12:17

I'll go through CMS then.

AIBU though to ask him to pay childcare too? He reckons it should come out of the extra he gives me.

I'll see about tax credits but I'm actually scared shitless of changing that for now because of UC. While that is doing me out of money I can't go without any TC for 5 weeks. Plus I'll be worse off on UC.

I'm just so sad about the situation. We're living hand to mouth and he's living it up. I guess it's jealousy but I never thought we'd be in this situation. It grinds you down, doesn't it? :(

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/01/2019 12:19

Reduced contact = increases maintenance. And of course he should be contributing to childcare costs. They are his kids too!

Go through CMS and make it official.

BrightonTony · 22/01/2019 12:31

My ex wife emailed the school and told them that on my days I am responsible for paying the breakfast club bills (which I'm natch fine with), if your ex has the kids on week days you could do the same?

If you have the kids then he pays maintenance for those days that should cover the breakfast club?

If he earns 5x what you do then his CMA payments should be significant. Reducing his contact time will only increase his liability.

Re: collect and pay, it'll cost him 20% extra, and you 4% off what you should get. Seems the 4% isn't worth losing sleep over, and his 20% should be enough of an incentive to reconsider his actions and come back to you cap in hand and promise to be good!

(Appreciate this is a mum's space, I lurk here to get a mum's view point of view on shared parenting and only contribute when I think I have something to add)

DarkDarkNight · 22/01/2019 12:35

If you suspect he’s underpaying you then you may still be better off even after the 4% fee.

It will hurt him more as he would have to pay 20% on top. The suggestion of this may make him pull his socks up.

DarkDarkNight · 22/01/2019 12:37

Sorry I took so long to check those figures I just repeated what BrightonTony said.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 22/01/2019 12:41

You don't have to do collect and pay through CMS - you can arrange it so he pays it directly to you according to the payment schedule that CMS will provide you both with. If he then starts missing payments after that, you can go through collect & pay, having shown CMS that he's unreliable. But get moving with CMS asap as payments can't be backdated once it's set in motion.