To wake DP up to deal with baby in the night?

[OliveFetaTomato]

We have 4 kids, 2 primary age, a toddler and a baby
I’ve done most night wakings with other kids and now DS2 (the toddler) won’t accept DP in the night, he still gets up 3/4 times a night so that’s all me
DD2 (the baby) is an amazing sleeper and only wakes in the night maybe 1 night out of every 10, on those nights I wake when I hear her and DP never does so I wake him to go and settle her - partly because I do all DS2s wakings and most of the bedtimes and partly because I don’t want her to get to the stage where she will only accept me in the night too

DP think IABU as if I’m awake anyway then I should just deal with it instead of waking him, but this would mean him never doing any night wakings as them crying never wakes him up (or he pretends not to hear)

Who is BU?

Oh I forgot another reason I need him to deal with the baby is if DS2 wakes while I’m settling DD2 then I’m screwed because I can’t settle them both at once, so I need to be ‘on call’ for DS2 as it were

he is - fir the reasons you've stated.

But lots of MNers think that if you are a SAHM you should therefore do all the night wakings 'as you can catch up on your sleep in the day'. Yeah, right.

Of course he’s being unreasonable.

You’ve had 4 kids with him and he’s never done night times?

My baby was up 11pm to 4 am. Dp took him at three for an hour as I was broken - it's teamwork, they are his kids too

I get up with my baby ds during the night. If dd (3) wakes up then my dh gets up with her. And if my ds has had a bad few nights, thanks to teething, then my dh takes him as long as he doesn't need a feed. They are his kids to. It's not like you are expecting him to get up 3 times a night every night.

He's a selfish prick, they're his kids too.

Ha RiverTam are these MNers offering to watch the toddler so I can nap then?
That’s another one of DPs arguments too, that he has to work so needs more sleep? Erm no, I’m responsible for your children’s lives all day!

Sexnotgender not never done nighttimes no, it’s just mostly been me, through circumstances really but it never bothered me until DS2 who isn’t the worst sleeper known to mankind and I’ve more than once sat and cried with him in the middle of the night, he didn’t sleep in stretches longer than around 40 minutes until long after he turned 1, I was utterly broken
(Yes DD2 was unplanned, still not sure how she happened tbh 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Is* the worst sleeper, not isn’t 🙄

Sounds really tough. Thinking practically, I'd get DH to do the 8pm - midnight "shift" for any wakings while you go to bed, and then you take over - that way everyone gets some rest and can function the next day.

I suggest you book yourself a weekend away without the DC and leave him to get on with dealing with both the younger 2 by himself as it is so easy then....

That sounds like a good idea EssentialHummus but DS2 honestly won’t accept DP when he wakes up, he screams blue murder and wakes the whole house up, it has to be me

YANBU. I’ve just accepted I do the night wakings now. I used to attempt to wake DP up during the first few weeks to change DS’s nappy (I EBF so only I can feed unless I pump but I cba) but he was so difficult to rouse I quit bothering. Much quicker if I just get on with it myself.

Men can be such selfish creatures.

When our DC have been shitty sleepers, the shift work had worked for us.

I would go to bed at 7/8 ish and DH would be 'on shift' until midnight. Once he went to bed, I was 'on shift' from then so it gave us both a chance of a block of sleep

@londonmummy1966

Yep, sounds like a mature solution. Escape from your responsibilities and forget the kids, doesn’t matter about them, OP just needs to teach their dad a lesson.

@ MrsAriadneOliver

Plenty of my neighbours with 4 young children have to work abroad leaving their OH to deal with their family alone. Others go away for the weekend on a lads' jolly/girls' spa break. Believe it or not plenty of children survive with just one parent looking after them.

Although my remark was tongue in cheek, the OP actually sounds pretty well at the end of her tether and I suspect a weekend away to rest would make a huge difference to her well being.

He is. You wake 3/4 times every night , he wakes (well, is woken) 1 night in 10. He clearly gets much more sleep than you. How does he not see this?

There are a few issues here.

Firstly thanks to hormones women are primed to get up when babies wake. We actually sleep lighter than men which is why it is much safer for us, the one who gave birth, to co-sleep with a baby than the baby's father.

Secondly if you don't do some sort of shifts where you leave your DP solely in charge of the children where you don't intervene, he will not deal with them as you will get up before them. So you basically have to shut yourself away and ignore them, or take the easier option of going out e.g. to work, leaving him to deal with the children on his own.

Thirdly if your partner wants a strong bond with his children it starts from when they are babies. The child will know he is also capable for doing everything for them and will then call either parent.

So yes he's being unreasonable. The only way round it, as one of my SILs explained to me years ago, is to "train him" for your children's sake.

If your DD is as good a sleeper as that he should take that offer and count his bloody blessings. What an arse. Unless his job is welding steel he doesn't need more sleep than you, you both have jobs. And the whole 'sleep when baby does' thing is utter bollocks once you have two. Sleep when WHICH baby sleeps??

Thank you all for the replies
I’m going to try to have a conversation with him tonight once the kids are all in bed, the only time we really discuss this is when I’m waking him in the night and he’s having a strop about it, so I think I need to do it when it’s not happening and neither of us are tired
I just needed to check that I wasn’t expecting too much

I have gone back to work after 15 months off. Work is a break. Work is so much easier than being a SAHM - however I do have a very active boy.
Unless DH is digging roads with his bare hands he doesn’t need more sleep than you.
We also did the shifts - half a night each is fair.
Just because you don’t go out to work doesn’t mean you don’t need sleep. He needs to do his part

He certainly does need to help, but his job does impact on how much I think. Is it a manual job with a lot of driving for example?

What about at weekends when the toddler wakes, on just one occasion you both go in to him? Both stay for 5 minutes, then you gradually withdraw, leaving DH with him.
He needs to know he has 2 nighttime parents.

LGY1 our toddler is crazy with a capital c, I’ve never known a child like him, he saps more energy than I had in the first place!

TidyDancer nope just an office job with 20 minute travel time each way

BreakfastAtSquiffanys I would absolutely love if I didn’t have to do all of DSs night times, maybe looking at fixing that problem would be the best way to solve this one, the way you’ve put it definitely sounds do-able ... well try-able

Yanbu. That said, we also have 4 and DH doesn't do night wakings, it never worked well as I was up anyway and couldn't settle while I could hear them upset, and he found it hard to get back to sleep after waking. HOWEVER because DH isntbban arse, he therefore takes the kids in the morning and lets me sleep in a bit during the week and longer in the weekends.

We don't always manage as well as I like, but the principle should be that you can get equal rest and equal leisure time - and on that basis, he's not pulling his weight.