To not go to baby/toddler groups?

[ToddlerDecibels]

Is my DS(1) massively missing out?

We go to soft play centres every so often but the idea of going to mums groups or children centres isn't for me.

How important is it for toddlers to interact with other toddlers?

@CosmicComet
I’m sure the other mums are breathing a sigh of relief.
Good luck to your DC making friends with such a snobby attitude.

I go to several classes a week with my 4 month old. It’s expensive but I don’t know what we’d do all week without them? It’s not like she can play in the park. Plus i like the activity led setting, rather than standing around awkwardly expected to chat with people, which I’m awful at.

I found it easier to make friends at groups / classes than at nursery or school. I didn’t go to any of the groups mentioned above with grubby toys and cliquey mums/minders. Some of my best mum friends are from baby swimming which was loads of fun and our 5.5yr olds still enjoy getting together in school holidays. One of those friends has a group of friends from mum & toddler yoga.
I think that your lo is fine now just with you but that this is the best/easiest time to meet others the same age and you will benefit when they are 2/3 from knowing other mums with same age dcs.

I strongly recommend you make the effort to go to several toddler groups. You might enjoy at least one of them (they do vary) and make a friend and your DS will definitely enjoy it.
Thing is with leaving it 'till school is that some of the mums will already know each other (from toddler groups) and you will wrongly label them a clique because they'll be happily chatting away to each other at the gate. Plus you'll fixate on them 'ignoring you' but really, it's not their job to make you feel comfortable.

It won't get any easier to say 'hello' to random strangers with kids if you put it off, so just do it now.
My DIL allowed her social anxiety/fear to control her and DGS is 5 and at school now but she still doesn't chat to other mums or organise play dates for him. As a consequence DGS is very shy and has struggled to settle at school initially.

Also, moving to a new area is the perfect excuse to open a conversation with someone at playgroup. I moved to a new country when youngest DS was 5 and knew absolutely no-one. I just joined everything and went to lots of activities and gradually my friendship circle grew.

Why don't you go to a few different ones (if there's more than one in your area) and see how you get on. Some may be nicer/friendlier than others. I went to a few in different places when my children were young and met several friends through them.

If you are really struggling with your own anxiety, are there any places nearby you can leave them on their own for an hour or two in a safe, crèche environment? I used to go to the gym at my local leisure centre and leave mine at the on-site crèche for an hour or so when I went for a gym and swim. The local big shopping centre/mall also had a crèche where you could leave toddlers for a couple of hours to go shopping.

We started going to classes when he was a couple of months old and I've made some friends there. We go to a playgroup once a week and everyone is friendly enough, it's nice to have a quick chat to other parents. I have to stick with my boy though as he's not big enough to play with all the older kids but thinks he is! For me it's getting out of the house as much as anything and there are lots of toys we don't have (big things and noisy things) so he's delighted.

I think these groups are more for the mums than the babies! They are a good way of adding some routine into your day - this is something I really struggled with as a newborn.

I didn't make any long-term friends from the groups, more like acquaintences, though it was nice to see familiar faces every week. I'm amazed at all the PPs saying they made friends for life maybe I was doing something wrong!!

Apart from the socialisation aspect it is also really good for their immune systems. I hated this kind of group too but I made myself go in the hope my DC wouldn't end up as anti-social as me! Hadn't realised it was also great for their immune systems!

I was reading the other day how important it is to build up children's immune system in the first year by exposing them to lots of bugs and infections.

I did baby massage with DD when she was tiny. It was awkward and I'm quite anxious around people I don't know, plus im young so no one really wanted to talk to me. I found it quite miserable. She's 18m now and we don't go to anything - it's only Fridays we have together as I work the rest of the time and she's in nursery so that's our day to go for a walk to the park, to a play centre or visit grandparents. I'm confident she lives a full and happy life and isn't missing out. She sees enough other kids at nursery.
Though maybe I do need to try as some of the comments give me hope that over time you make good friends from it.

I go because I want him to play with other toddlers, he is 2 now, I din't think it matter much until now.
I don't mix with the mums much, unless I am having a quick 121 chat with a mum/dad. Most of the mums though are in a big clique so I am left to play with their kids, which I am planning on stopping as that is not my job

Ha ha me neither. I hate them. I’ve always taken my children to parks, soft play, swimming, farms etc. My 3 older children never went to toddlers. They started nursery with no problems at all and had no issues making friends and sharing.

The 3 times I’ve taken my 3 yr old to toddlers, he’s caught a really horrible virus. Never again!
It’s funnybthough because at soft play places etc, be never gets a bug even though there are more varied people there.

I’m quite quiet and not very good at making small talk, I found I had to go to the groups for 3 or 4 weeks before I had a good chat with anyone but it was worth persevering and I now have a nice small group of mum friends. You have to remember that everyone else there is probably tired and nervous of speaking to strangers too so don’t expect to make great friends straight away but just ask them things like where’s the best place to take the baby swimming or have they tried any baby classes they can recommend to you?

I really liked the free rhyme time session at the library because you didn’t have to make small talk, you just had to sing along.

I went when both of mine were younger say 1 yr ish... 2 sessions each called it a draw and ran for the hills! It wasnt my cup of tea at all ...we did petting farms.swimming ,walks parks, and weekends away instead.I am not a joiner inner at all ...and I couldnt do with marjory's advice on sore nipples and lack of sex life ..mind you a good cut and blow dry might have helped her a bit! And that bloody woman with the 3 kids in tie dye matching Kaftans drumming on about how yoga helps byron and keats sleep 3 hours solid of a night ...I tried I really did! So it wasnt really for us...but my kids seem ok ..they are bright and outgoing mind you thats to be expected as one is 28 and if he wasnt i would be worried! The other is 7 and has lots of friends from school so seems ok too. My suggestion would be go try a few and if it suits thats good if it doesnt you will be fine too ....

I have a 16 month old and am a fan. When they're younger it's really for you to get out and have a bit of structure to your day, but now I use them so that DD can be in a new environment, try different toys, burn some energy etc. And you don't need to go round chatting to anyone - I often find I'm just following DD and saying "Ooh look, that's a giraffe, yes, that's a toaster..." or whatever.

Different groups may be easier for you than others: the church hall one we sometimes go to are lovely and spacious with clean toys (despite being in a run down bit of London!) and there are lots of older women there who are happy to make you a cuppa or hold a baby. Rhyme time can be brilliant. I'd suggest trying a few things close to home, because then you're more likely to meet other mums local to you if you'd like to.

In short: if you don't like them don't do them, but if it's your anxiety stopping you from trying that's a shame I think.

My littlest hated noisy, bolshy toddler groups- could tolerate them for about half an hour and then wanted to go home. I stopped taking him as he would much rather play at home or go to the park. When other kids came over, he would ask when they were going to leave....

Fast forward to 2 years later and he has made lovely friends at school. He needed a lot of support to socialise successfully at pre-school (preferred playing on his own) but ultimately, that's part of the reason they go! It prepared him for big school and he is fully integrated and an outgoing member of his class. He has close friendships.

There are other things you can do to help your child learn about socialising that don't include the horrors of playgroups. Reading stories about social communication/ taking turns/ being a good friend, encouraging them to engage with people when you are out and about going about your business, and trips out / holidays can be good for making new friends and playing sociably without the commitment/ pressures of attending something weekly and being expected to be friends.

I think I'd quite like to try some classes as opposed to the playgroups at first. I intend to have a look online and see what's available in my area. Something with a structure to it would be a good introduction I think, rather than me just walking into a big room of parents and trying to mingle.

The whole idea of playgroup is a bit daunting, I could just picture me walking in and hovering nervously whilst the regular mums chatted among themselves

I've often chatted with mums at soft play and found that it happens quite organically so I'm not sure why I'm so apprehensive about the baby groups, with that in mind.

I didn't go to any with my eldest 2 and they are very social kids. There's only 13 months between them though so they always had each other.

Didn't take ds3 and he is incredibly shy.

Have been taking ds4 in the hope he's more like the oldest 2.

However the oldest 2 were in nursery from very young but dc3 was minded by family until he was 3 and I think this is more likely the reason they are more outgoing. Dc 3 also has speech issues which affects his confidence.

I think you have to do what suits you best. We have had varying degrees of success at baby groups. Some have been wonderful and I’ve met some really nice Mum friends and the kids love each other. Some (more the play groups) have been horrendous with (generally) a queen bee and her followers lauding over the rest of us minions. It tended to be that their children we the least well behaved and the mums just ignored it.

I’ve also met lovely mums at swimming and my daughter is making good friends through nursery. The best friend I have made is through a fb buying and selling page - totally random but we got on like a house on fire and the girls are best friends!

I live in a country where people are known for being very sociable and chatty. They don't really 'do' mother and baby groups here and they all turn out fine!

You wouldn't look silly at all if your partner went with you. Lots of people do that at groups I have been to. The initial anxiety is sometimes worse than actually doing it, it may take time to get used to certain groups, I've been to awful ones over the years but watched my children gain so much from the groups, being around other children and all the different toys, more beneficial when your child can walk xx

I never went to one, though I like the idea.
I had DD1 in France and I had never heard of the concept.
I had DD2 in Portugal, and I think expat UK and US mums have groups, but I don’t live in those neighborhoods.

And I’m back to work tomorrow so moot point anyway!

I personally loved the groups.
Was a chance to get out of the house and meet new people. Made some lovely friends as a result of going to the baby groups.

I never had any negative experiences in the groups I went to, all a mix of mums, dads, grandparents. Everyone was always welcoming and chatty

But from a child’s perspective - I wouldn’t feel bad about not going. They won’t be negatively affected by not going to them. I did it more for my own MH and getting out the house with a baby

I found structured classes best because at least if it's an insular or cliquey group, you have the activity to concentrate on. I quite liked swimming as an activity... but there were some mums I saw week in, week out that looked at you like you'd just crapped on their shoes if you had the audacity to say something rude like "good morning" to them

They do vary a lot as it is down to the people that turn up and the organisers. My local children's centre was good. The local toddler playgroup was one of the lonliest places on Earth where everyone turned up in cliquey clumps and didn't mingle. You were then left with the worst bits of soft play of feral toddlers with poor supervision, plus more toys to war over. I disproved the theory that if you turn up for a few weeks, the ice will break and people will talk.

I had something on most days to have some structure in life. I am prone to cabin fever. I found it easier to talk to DS outside home where there was more variety of stimulus. It's not that they build friendships at that age, but varied experiences are good, and just experiencing their peers.

Try something structured for a few weeks that looks interesting enough. If it's not the one for you, move on. Saying that, I still go to Buggy Fit and my "babies" are at school! I always found it the friendliest because you have to move around and don't get stuck in the same seat/ spot week after week.

Honestly OP, I don't think your child is missing out, but you are. You'd be very very unlucky if you go and there's not at least someone else new there. There's been loads of new people this week at the groups I go to.

And without pretending I'm an expert on anxiety, is it not better to go now, whenever in the back of your mind you know you could just leave if necessary, than waiting for school where you can't leave and you'll be telling yourself that everyone else already knows each other from the toddler groups you missed?