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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to baby/toddler groups?

81 replies

ToddlerDecibels · 21/01/2019 23:55

Is my DS(1) massively missing out?

We go to soft play centres every so often but the idea of going to mums groups or children centres isn't for me.

How important is it for toddlers to interact with other toddlers?

OP posts:

HoraceCope · 22/01/2019 06:29

If you find a nice one it can be great, socialisation for you both.

RayRayBidet · 22/01/2019 06:33

Ugh they are so boring and the toys are tatty and the childminders all sit around gossiping and then have to dash off 10 minutes before the end to avoid having to help tidy up.
I never had any bitchiness or anything, don't think anyone ever spoke to me. Rather be at home Tbh.

Joinourclub · 22/01/2019 06:39

Playgroups are a bit hit and miss. And if you struggle socially they can be difficult as it can seem as if all the other mums already know each other and are chatting in their own little groups. But classes are much better. My dc have always loved their song and dance classes, and I’ve enjoyed them too as they are active and fun and child focussed and not sittting about chatting with a cuppa.

MsTSwift · 22/01/2019 06:40

Irrelevant for the baby certainly not missing out. I would persevere though they can be a great source of friends it can be lonely at home with a small baby. It’s cringey at first but I am still great friends with women I met at baby groups and my youngest is 10.

hammeringinmyhead · 22/01/2019 06:43

Yanbu. So far all I do is small meetups with NCT friends, Odeon Newbies on our own, and a baby massage course. I really don't fancy baby groups!

flamboyantchorizo · 22/01/2019 06:53

I hated them and avoided them a lot. But I'm a sahm with no local friends (work friends lived a little while away and had much older kids) and now she's 4 and I'm still a sahm I feel the lack of friends for both of us a bit. We also have no little kids in the family - so no cousins etc. She's been to nursery/preschool for small amounts of time since being 2 so has mixed with others but we only have one mum/child friendship and I think we're both over-reliant on them.

Looking back, I wish I'd gone to more groups to find one that worked for me but I found some of them unpleasant and the idea of making small talk to strangers excruciating.

For you, it'll help that you have another one on the way as you'll have two children to play together. Also, think about how soon you're planning to send them to nursery or preschool. If it's not for a long time, then groups might be a good idea so they meet other little kids. If fairly early then it's not so important as they'll make friends there.

DontPanic42 · 22/01/2019 06:56

I am going to go against the grain and say I love baby/ toddler groups. I have found them invaluable in establishing a support network of other mums. both my kids love them and they are cheap!

I am very socially anxious, so I completely understand people's anxiety. I had to go to few groups to find the right ones for me, the smaller the better I think. I did have to "fake it to make it" at first but it has all paid off

However YANBU, if you don't like them, I would give them a go before you write them off.

Oysterbabe · 22/01/2019 06:57

My kids are 1 and 3 and we don't go to any. They do go to nursery though so have plenty of chance to play with other kids. We go to softplay quite a lot.

SilverDoe · 22/01/2019 07:01

Nonono toddler groups sound like my idea of hell.

Surely by the time they’re properly at and age to benefit from socialising they’ll be nursery age either? DD has recently started expressing an ongoing interest in school/nursery/friends so I’m signing her up for nursery so she can play with others.

Before this we frequently go to the park and soft play, but going to a group with other parents I don’t know sounds nightmarish. I remember my health visitor asking my why I didn’t take 9 month old DD to groups as if it was some kind of obligation

BedraggledBlitz · 22/01/2019 07:04

I think these groups are more for the parents benefit. Dont worry about it.

Theunreasonableone · 22/01/2019 07:09

I hated baby groups but I went back to work 3 days a week when both of mine were a year old so they went to nursery for full days. I’d say nursery definitely socialised them so take up the 15 hours once he turns 3.

littlespeckledfrog · 22/01/2019 07:27

I didn't go to any groups, although I did go to classes. I didn't make any new friends at classes, though, as people seemed to go in pairs or groups. All my mum friends are people I knew already, met through NCT or have met through nursery. I think soft play is fine for now.

One thing I would recommend is swimming classes (although they are expensive). No pressure to socialise with the parents as everyone is focused on getting themselves and baby ready in the changing room, and I think they're good for building the children's confidence. I know it'll be difficult once you have two, though, unless your partner can come too or someone else can look after the baby whilst you're in the pool with toddler.

Believeitornot · 22/01/2019 07:31

I bet everyone is a bit anxious about going to places where they won’t know anyone to some extent. That’s normal.

I found it important for my sanity to talk to other mums, other adults, when my dcs were young. It wasn’t to socialise the kids, it was to socialise me. That’s how I viewed baby groups.

Sometimes they were painful, sometimes I had a great chat. I didn’t make life long friends but at least I was out and about. I particularly liked the church run groups as the people running them would make a point of talking to new mums and seeing how they were.

GinUnicorn · 22/01/2019 07:33

Personally I really liked a lot of them but they can be hit and miss.

In my area there are some huge ones in church halls (free) that I hate though. Ages 0-5 and having a younger one it’s stressful as they could get trampled on. Super noisy and not great environment.

Smaller paid for classes or a few in children’s centres though were great. It might be worth persevering in case there are some better ones.

Moretinsel · 22/01/2019 07:34

The weren’t my favourite thing to do but I’m glad I did. LO enjoyed and and she then had children she recognised in preschool.

roundthehorn · 22/01/2019 07:56

I think that if you're new to an area and don't have any/many friends with similar aged kids then they can be a godsend, more for you than for your child. You might surprise yourself and strike up a conversation that leads to a coffee, that leads to play dates at one another's homes
As PP have mentioned you might be better off at smaller, more focussed groups than the big church hall free for alls that are out there. If you're expecting another baby you are potentially missing out on making friends that may really be able to help you transition your family into a whole new era. Toddlers, on the whole, do not find babies very interesting, and an hour or so with different toys, new activities etc. can really change the mood of a day (and often be just the ticket for a nice long nap!).

HoraceCope · 22/01/2019 08:04

There were a godsend to me, so great to be able to get out of the house, go somewhere so cheap, have a chat to other like minded, although i did persuade my dm to take my ds to the group first, as I was too shy so when i was able to go they knew my ds already

Trampire · 22/01/2019 08:15

If I was at a playgroup and someone new, on their own came I would definitely say hello.

My dcs are teens now, but I did all sorts of groups when they were tiny. Rhymetime, Messy play, Music bugs....
I was lucky that I did have some local new-mum friends that I'd met through NHS ante-natal classes (we're all still close 14 years on). However these various other groups helped me spread my fingers more into the community I was in.

I still bump into people I met at these classes. One 'mum' is now my DD's French teacher!

My Childminder went to a local CM group who had a massive waiting list. It was fantastic. They were really bonded as a group, they had Halloween and Christmas parties, summer picnics out. Walking around these days people still recognise my dcs from that group and want to know how they are. I think it's lovely.

I would try and grit your teeth and try a few OP. Even the most confident of people feels nervous and anxious trying something new. But it could just be ok.....then good, then great!

bookmum08 · 22/01/2019 08:20

The various stay and plays I went to were lovely and had good play leaders. We also went to a singing session at the local library. I think it is important for the child to go to these groups.

MsTSwift · 22/01/2019 08:20

I was new in town pregnant with a toddler and frankly I went “on the pull” for friends at toddler groups I went to them all . A few snooty knock backs from the”I already have my friends” types but struck gold and built a group of fantastic friends all new in town we still hang out all the time 10 years later go on family trips, girls weekends book clubs, nights out. So for me yes worth sitting on the floor in a church hall!

E20mom · 22/01/2019 08:23

I used to go to baby sensory and I saw lots of mums come with the dads for the first time so I think that won't be unusual at all.

E20mom · 22/01/2019 08:24

Also my daughter absolutely loved it.

KirstieandPhil · 22/01/2019 08:30

Based on my very small experience and my two friends, I think regularly going to baby classes and baby/toddler groups has been good for my dd. My dd and both of my friends dcs started nursery last September (aged 3). My dd walked in and has never looked back (even though naturally she's very shy), friend B, who didn't do baby classes/groups but sent her dd to ballet, settled in after a few weeks. Friend C who never did any classes/groups is still having difficulties with her ds becoming upset at going to nursery. Of course, this could just be their personalities.

I'm a sahm and moved when dd was 9 months. I didn't know anyone locally and family aren't nearby so I tried out various baby groups etc otherwise it would have been just me and dd all week alone - I don't think that's good for my dd.

It took a while but I found one playgroup I enjoyed and another which was the most boring thing ever but was convenient so I stuck it out. I mostly just went on my phone whilst dd played which I know is frowned upon. I'm not negligent, I kept an eye on her, but my whole reason for going to the playgroup was so that dd could socialise with other children and play. Not to play with me as she does that every day.

I'd check things out locally. If you can't find anything you like, and the playgroups etc make you anxious then it's probably best not to go but you may find one you somewhat enjoy.

Ghanagirl · 22/01/2019 08:31

@ToddlerDecibels
”I don't actually know any other mums locally yet, in part because I'm new to the area and haven't made the effort to go to any of these groups!”
Well you won’t get to know local mums unless you make an effort to go to groups waiting for your toddler to go to nursery so you can socialise more isn’t going to happen.
If you want to make friends having babies toddlers is a great icebreaker but if you are just doing it so toddler can make friends just wait till he starts nursery.

Spicylolly · 22/01/2019 08:34

I only went to one once when my dd was a few months old, absolutely hated it! Never went to any again with either of my kids. They are both teens now and have no trouble socialising so I wouldn't worry about it too much 👍

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