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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was SIL Interfering or Not?

50 replies

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 21/01/2019 22:05

Something odd happened with my younger SIL recently and I honestly don't know what to think.

Bit of background, DH's family is geographically spread out and we only meet up once or twice a year due to travel costs. They make an effort to get along and keep in touch though (he phones his parents once a week, siblings every 2-3 weeks).

DH and the children saw DS2 for a few days before Christmas (I was away for work) and I think all went well, although apparently DD (13) was on her phone a lot - not enough to be rude, but it was noticed.

Anyway, all of a sudden we get a phone call from DS2 (this is unusual, DH usually calls her) to say that she's been looking into DD's online profiles and did we know DD had X posted on Instagram (a quote with one slightly rude word); she was in touch with X, Y and Z boys throu SnapChat (I looked at the names and they're all local kids the same age as DD)....and a few others bits and bobs that are typical teen posts. Nothing really inappropriate in my eyes.

DH said he'd speak to DD and get her to take the quote down, etc. He never argues with his family and I was a bit Hmm this is a storm in a teacup...and why on earth was she nosing about looking at her niece's online stuff? They're not close and she only sees her a couple of times a year.

DD is now angry with her Auntie for poking her nose into her business and doesn't want to visit anymore. DD is v. aware of online safety and we often discuss it.

What do you think? Was SIL interfering or trying to be helpful?

OP posts:
Echobelly · 21/01/2019 22:07

That is way over the top. It's like when MIL has suggested that DH might not have not been offered a job because he tweeted something a few months previously that had a mild swear word in it!

Seeline · 21/01/2019 22:10

If they are not close, why does your DDs aunt have access to her social media accounts? Maybe you need to check whether your DDs accounts are set to private. Otherwise, at 13 I wouldn't worry too much about language as long as it wasn't racist/ bullying etc.

FlagFish · 21/01/2019 22:11

A bit of both, I’d say. She may well have acted out of genuine concern for her niece, but I think she overstepped the boundaries a bit.

Not worth causing a family row though. I definitely wouldn’t let DD refuse to visit any more.

Jackshouse · 21/01/2019 22:11

It sounds like it was coming from a place of concern.

kalefire · 21/01/2019 22:13

Hmmm I don't know. I would expect my sister to call me if she saw something my DS (13) had put online that she thought was inappropriate. We would then chat about it and I might thank her for bringing it to my attention OR tell her she's over reacting.

Wouldn't be happy with my child getting stroppy that an adult family member cared about their online safety and then decided they were going to refuse to go visit them again. Pah , don't think so!

Is your DD profile page private?

KC225 · 21/01/2019 22:15

Totally over the top. Why would she feel the need to do that? Does she assume you are both incapable of parenting your children. I dont blame your DD for being miffed

user1493413286 · 21/01/2019 22:15

I would guess she had good intentions but if you’re confident about your DDs online activity and I assume keeping an eye on it then I wouldn’t have mentioned it to DD.
It’s your decision as parents about whether her social media is appropriate and if you think it’s fine then don’t let sil interfere.

Fortunatelymine · 21/01/2019 22:18

Yes, she was interfering. One slightly rude word? Friends with local boys her own age? Weird that she thought that worthy of alerting you.

saoirse31 · 21/01/2019 22:21

Non issue, she was concerned about her niece, spoke to her brother, that's it. If anything would you not be happy her aunt cares about your dd?

ISmellBabies · 21/01/2019 22:21

SIL was out of line. Your dd's social media sounds fine and is absolutely none of Sil's business. I wouldn't want to visit her anymore if I was your dd either, she'll be feeling rejected, judged, singled out etc even if sil wanted to look concerned instead of looking like a nosey bitch, especially to a hormonal teenager, she has crossed the line.

KC225 · 21/01/2019 22:25

But not concerned enough to be 'close' and see her more than a couple of times a year. Remember the OP saying he DH always phoned them - so not close and nor too concerned. Reads to me they had been gossiping about the 13 old on the phone (normal alas) and do some interfering. So not coming from such a good place really.

Pernickity1 · 21/01/2019 22:28

I’m not a regular Snapchat user so forgive my ignorance - but how could she tell who your DD was in case bract with on Snapchat? I didn’t think a third party could see that info?

Butterfly84 · 21/01/2019 22:35

She interfered but not so drastically that your DD should stop seeing her. Her concerns seem to have come from a good place.

Petalflowers · 21/01/2019 22:38

What she objecting to, the rude word or talking to boys? Neither is a hanging event.

Maybe she just did a bit of internet googling, like we have all done, and felt that DD’s comments were inappropriate.

Has she got children herself?

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 21/01/2019 22:48

I think I'd need to know what the quote was to say for sure tbh.

BertrandRussell · 21/01/2019 22:49

If my brother ( I don’t have sisters) saw something that concerned him on one of my children’s social media I would certainly expect him to tell me! It would be up to me what I chose to do, but I would certainly expect to be told.

SuchAToDo · 21/01/2019 22:53

Nosey cow, sounds like she is spying in your daughter's social media page to see what she/and your family are up to...

I'd be tempted to.give DD permission just this once to post something that you knew would get a reaction from SIL...and count how long after she posts it before SIL clutches her pearls and calls your dh with her tattling 😂

How is SIL able to view it anyway, can dd set it to private so she can't see it?..

CardsforKittens · 21/01/2019 22:55

Different parents have different views about what’s ok on social media. If I saw something on my teenage niece’s instagram that concerned me I might mention it to my SIL but I would be prepared for SIL to take a different view. Mind you, I wouldn’t be looking through my niece’s Instagram in the first place unless she’d given me the green light, because that would be interfering.

If you’re happy enough with your DD’s use of social media you can ignore your SIL.

BertrandRussell · 21/01/2019 23:09

And there was me thinking that we all have a responsibility to look after our children in real life and online.

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 21/01/2019 23:18

I had this exact thing OP. I was 22 At the time. A friend posted a picture on Facebook of me a little drink in my student house wearing a slightly revealing outfit.

I had and still have the highest privacy settings so no one outside could see the pictures but she went mental. I proceeded to limit what she could see so for 9 years until I turned 31 she could only see when o changed my profile picture! In my opinion served her right! I was an adult living away from home her opinion was not valid.

As long as you are happy with what your daughter is doing then that's all that matters! Your daughter has every right to be annoyed at your auntie and if it was me I would be deleting or blocking her asap!

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 21/01/2019 23:24

To me it sounds like SIL was being protective.

elvis86 · 21/01/2019 23:27

"Anyway, all of a sudden we get a phone call from DS2 (this is unusual, DH usually calls her) to say that she's been looking into DD's online profiles"

It sounds like it was done vindictively to me, TBH. Like SIL made a judgment that your daughter had spent too much time on her phone when she visited, and so she set out on a mission to dig some dirt on her, concurrently getting her in trouble with her parents and making a point about you and your DH's parenting.

How old is SIL? Is she quite immature?

I'd have probably responded to say you're fully aware of your daughter's online activities and comfortable with them, thanks for the concern.

But as ever, the husband is a spineless twat and priotitises not rocking the boat with his parents / siblings ahead of his wife / children.

BertrandRussell · 21/01/2019 23:41

“I had this exact thing OP. I was 22”

It’a not the exact same thing. You were an adult. The OP’s ds is 13.

HoppyHop · 21/01/2019 23:49

My DSis has warned me a few times about things she thinks my be inappropriate on my kids Instagram accounts and I'm grateful to her. The first time she spotted something she asked if she was overstepping the mark.
I am grateful to her for the extra help. But we are very close and see her regularly.
So no, YANBU, she should have asked you first.

Original poster
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/01/2019 00:03

Thanks for the quick responses!

To answer a few questions:

SIL is early 40s, no children and she doesn't work with them either.

Re. The Snapchat settings. I was out when she phoned, but I think she could see names/profiles or something, so DH needed to increase the privacy on DD's account. He did this.

The swear word was b*ch, used in a silly context followed by a daft picture of DD - not directed at anyone else. It's not a nice word and we told DD not to post it again, but it was clearly a joke. I viewed as silly teen behaviour.

It's just so weird that she's even bothering to look up DD. I wonder if it was a shock at Christmas to realise that DD isn't a little girl anymore and that got them talking? I'm pretty sure she and SIL1 discussed DD after the visit. Perhaps it's difficult for them to accept that the little girl has grown up and is more interested in her friends/social media than her middle-aged Aunties! Grin

We'll obviously be visiting again, it's not DD's decision, but it's a shame she doesn't like/trust her Auntie at the mo. Sad

Personally I wouldn't contact parents unless I saw something truly disturbing.

OP posts: