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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was SIL Interfering or Not?

50 replies

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 21/01/2019 22:05

Something odd happened with my younger SIL recently and I honestly don't know what to think.

Bit of background, DH's family is geographically spread out and we only meet up once or twice a year due to travel costs. They make an effort to get along and keep in touch though (he phones his parents once a week, siblings every 2-3 weeks).

DH and the children saw DS2 for a few days before Christmas (I was away for work) and I think all went well, although apparently DD (13) was on her phone a lot - not enough to be rude, but it was noticed.

Anyway, all of a sudden we get a phone call from DS2 (this is unusual, DH usually calls her) to say that she's been looking into DD's online profiles and did we know DD had X posted on Instagram (a quote with one slightly rude word); she was in touch with X, Y and Z boys throu SnapChat (I looked at the names and they're all local kids the same age as DD)....and a few others bits and bobs that are typical teen posts. Nothing really inappropriate in my eyes.

DH said he'd speak to DD and get her to take the quote down, etc. He never argues with his family and I was a bit this is a storm in a teacup...and why on earth was she nosing about looking at her niece's online stuff? They're not close and she only sees her a couple of times a year.

DD is now angry with her Auntie for poking her nose into her business and doesn't want to visit anymore. DD is v. aware of online safety and we often discuss it.

What do you think? Was SIL interfering or trying to be helpful?

OP posts:

kalefire · 22/01/2019 11:04

Personally I wouldn't be happy with my 13yo having an open profile
I assume yours does if her aunt could look her up so easily??

honeyrider · 22/01/2019 11:45

SIL is nosey and interfering but at least she's shown your DD the importance of having private settings so you can thank SIL for highlighting this and smile to yourself knowing she's blocked from snooping from now on which will probably disappoint her nosey nature.

Ghanagirl · 22/01/2019 12:01

@AmICrazyorWhat2
How would you have reacted if one of your siblings had brought it up?
No judgment, I definitely bristle inwardly when DH’s sisters criticise my two or give “helpful” parenting advice whereas even though my sister is childfree I don’t mind her input as much (although she’s generally laid back and just indulges them).
I don’t usually say anything to them unless they do or say something which I find damaging or hurtful as I think they do care but we just have very different parenting styles.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 22/01/2019 12:06

Well, this is a good opportunity to talk to DD about internet security. There are all sorts of crazies out there and her aunt is a relatively benign one.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/01/2019 12:09

I wonder if this were your sister you'd think the same. Maybe ask yourself that Op?

Piffle11 · 22/01/2019 12:15

I think the one good thing SIL has done is to alert you and DD to making her privacy settings stronger. Is she miffed with your DD for her apparent lack of interest during the last visit? I really don't understand her thinking: we have 2 DNephews around your DD's age, and also 2 DGodDaughters also the same sort of age: it's never occurred to me to check out their social media pages/ friends. Your DD used the B word - not in a nasty way - and has friends that are boys - what's the problem? I really don't understand what SIL was hoping to achieve by telling you this. I'm not surprised DD is angry with her: a grown woman practically telling tales.

BertrandRussell · 22/01/2019 12:21

I find it extraordinary that people think you should keep schtum if you see something that worries you in a young person’s SM. Tell the parents. The parents can then decide what they should do. But don’t keep quite about it!

HomeMadeMadness · 22/01/2019 12:35

I don't think what your DD had put online was inappropriate but your DH should have just said so. It's not unusual to look up family on social media and she may have been genuinely concerned by what she saw. All DH had to do was put her straight.

BertrandRussell · 22/01/2019 13:01

“All DH had to do was put her straight.”

And thank her for her concern.

RiverTam · 22/01/2019 13:05

I would assume that if your DD was on her phone a lot during this visit that SIL assumed she was on a lot of social media and looked her up - not that unusual.

And the fact that your DD hasn't set her accounts to private is a concern and what a good thing SIL spotted it - would have been better if her parents had done so, of course... and taught her some manners as well, perhaps...

Silkie2 · 22/01/2019 13:11

DD should be setting her correct privacy settings herself, not waiting for DH to do it for her.
DSIL maybe shouldn't snoop but DD shouldn't post stuff she is embarrassed by.
Let it go and teach DD to be more careful over phone use.
If DD is old enough to stay home alone she gets to opt out of visits to rellies, if not then she goes with you.

lily2403 · 22/01/2019 13:38

she shouldn't have been snooping and one rude word does not make a bad kid
Sil needs to get a grip

BrightStarrySky · 22/01/2019 13:46

I don’t think it’s snooping to look at a public profile. SIL did your DD a favour by alerting her to what is publicly available. I understand you feel protective but I wouldn’t dwell on this. SIL meant well and maybe is a little naive about how 13 year olds are these days.

Original poster

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/01/2019 14:18

The privacy settings were definitely an oversight on our part, they were originally correct, but DD got a new phone and we reinstalled the apps so must've done something incorrectly. DD is now allowed 30 minutes a day on SM so being glued to her phone isn't an option anymore.

@RiverTam

Thanks for your comments, Tam, you have no idea what DD is like (just as SIL barely knows her as she usually makes so little effort to keep in touch). I think we're doing a good job with her, tbh, given that she's doing well at school, is popular and articulate. Early teens is a tough time for many families, it doesn't mean they won't mature into nice people.

SIL is also not perfect - I once posted on MN about some concerns I have about her taking advantage of my elderly in-laws ...and was firmly told to keep my nose out of her business.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/01/2019 14:25

@BertrandRussell

I find it extraordinary that people think you should keep schtum if you see something that worries you in a young person’s SM. Tell the parents.

I agree in that if I came across something by chance, I would do this.

My surprise was that SIL was looking up DD at all, it would never occur to me to look up someone else's child. SIL isn't a v. involved Auntie nor especially close to DH. Anyway, I'm sure she meant well, it was just odd.

OP posts:

RiverTam · 22/01/2019 14:34

why? This isn't a random child, it's her niece! Kind of normal to connect with family on social media, and I sometimes spend a dull evening doing some social media stalking - and I'm often surprised at how many teenage children of friends have total open social media accounts.

Don't want Auntie 'snooping'? Sort your privacy settings out - or better still, don't be on social media at all. She's done your DD a huge favour because next time the adult poking about your 13 year old's social media might not have been her well-meaning aunt...

RiverTam · 22/01/2019 14:36

and I say this because I know someone for whom to worst happened to their child through online grooming. Nothing you post online is truly private. Nothing.

sorry if that's skewed my perceptions a bit.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 22/01/2019 15:08

If she'd spoken to you DD she'd have been interfering bit she didn't she spoke to her brother, your DD's father.
What's wrong with her looking at a family member's social media, that's why your daughter is on social media so friends and family can keep in touch, see what each other's doing the clue is in the name.
I'd be more than happy for my sister or sister in law to contact me if they saw something that concerned them, it would be then up to me to take action if appropriate.
Also not sure why you or your husband needed to say auntie xx is concerned about this but we aren't, why stir things between them?

Andro · 22/01/2019 15:29

We'll obviously be visiting again, it's not DD's decision, but it's a shame she doesn't like/trust her Auntie at the mo

She's 13, the perfect age for turning molehills into mountains! Give her a bit of time and distance (on your terms) and things will probably settle down quickly enough. Don't make a big deal of her refusal to visit her Aunt or her feelings, but don't dismiss her feelings either - they may seem irrational (common for a teen) but they're her feelings and right now they're real to her.

The bigger the deal you and/or her dad make of this, the bigger deal it will become.

kalefire · 22/01/2019 16:58

DD got a new phone and we reinstalled the apps so must've done something incorrectly.

OP, having had many a new phone I can safely say that installing the app on a new phone doesn't mean that the settings would have changed. If DD is logging on with her account it will always revert to settings so if it had been private on her first phone it would automatically be private on her second phone, iPad etc. She probably changed the setting herself - which is a normal thing for a teenager to do of course - but pls just keep an eye on this, along with WHO is following her. If she has had a public page for some time she won't have had to vet any potential followers.

Spidey66 · 22/01/2019 17:04

I did point out to my brother once that my then 13 yo niece had someone post profanities on her FB-I was aware she was being bullied at school. He thanked me and he and his ex (my niece's mum) resolved it via FB. Maybe a bit different though especially given the context ie the bullying.

BottleOfJameson · 22/01/2019 17:08

Well SiL wasn't snooping if DD had posted this in public was she? It's not unusual to look your family up on social media - anything private shouldn't be posted for the entire internet to see. I do think SiL was being OTT in her concern but if she has no experience with kids she may not know what's normal at what age. It sounds like DH turned it into a bigger deal than it needed to be he could have just checked DD's posts realised there was no need for concern (other than her lax privacy settings) and thanked SiL for the heads up but let her know there wasn't a problem - just normal teenage stuff.

SaucyJack · 22/01/2019 17:13

My oldest is the same age as your DD, and your SIL sounds very over-the-top to me.

Both the minor swear word and the talking to male friends online are perfectly normal behaviours.

I don’t know your SIL well enough to know whether she’s a tatte-take or had genuinely (but misguided) concerns tho.

SaucyJack · 22/01/2019 17:13

*tattle-tale

Original poster

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/01/2019 21:58

I know it's a storm in a teacup and will soon blow over.
Families can be so odd, they pay little attention to each other and then suddenly get involved, that's what took me aback.

Thanks for the tips about privacy settings, I don't use SnapChat and as DH has various restrictions on her phone, I thought she couldn't alter them. But, she's savvy and probably figured out a way.

OP posts:

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