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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say mum needs to stay with this child- but allergy

72 replies

DitzyPrints · 21/01/2019 15:46

Dc invites new Friend for tea tomo both aged 6. Mums just msg me to let me know he has but allergy but will leave Epi pen with me just in case.
I feel uncomfortable with the responsibility to be honest would it be unreasonable if I say we need to postpone until mum can stay for the play date?

OP posts:

Petalflowers · 21/01/2019 17:12

I can understand your concern.

Maybe rearrange the play date, and in the meantime, ask the mum for more info about the allergy, how to use the epipen etc.

Calmdown14 · 21/01/2019 17:16

Can you not just say to her "I understand how important this is and i'm not used to nut allergies and understand many things can be hidden. Would you like to come for a cuppa and a chat at same time to make sure i'm properly prepared for future. Or if you can't make it happy to rearrange. We'd love to have him over and i want to get this right "

Knitwit101 · 21/01/2019 17:17

I think it's a bit unfair of the mum to just casually drop the news on you like that. I would panic a bit too.

We eat a lot of nuts in our house, ds is vegetarian. What if he dropped one down the side of the sofa at the weekend and I hadn't noticed, would that be enough to trigger a reaction, I genuinely don't know.

Either the mum is so used to it she's forgotten not everyone would know what to do, or the child's allergy is not that severe. Obviously if he has an epi-pen it must be reasonably severe, but if he could go from healthy to unable to breathe just from being in the same room as a nut she really should give you more information.

We have a friend round often with an egg allergy and his mum came with him the first time and showed me what to do.

I wouldn't tell him not to come but I would tell the mum I was a bit worried.

BelfortGabbz · 21/01/2019 17:21

Someone asks advice about a child with a potential life threatening allergy coming to tea and a smart arse replies "Toughen up"
Unbelievable

EleanorLavish · 21/01/2019 17:23

OP, my son has a severe nut allergy and has epipen's, which we have had to use. However his allergy isn't airborne.
I'm also a nurse, and it is very unfair to leave the pens with you without giving you the confidence to use them.
Phone her. Tell her your concerns.
He should have a written care plan with his pens that tells you what a reaction looks like, and what to do. Make sure she goes over all this with you, and shows you how to use the pen. Once you feel confident then you can have the child for a play. It is not fair to just drop a child and leave pens.
I actually do sessions in school on how to use an epipen so parents feel confident using them.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 21/01/2019 17:24

@Confusedbeetle that is so sad. Dd1's bff is diabetic and I feel sorry for both the child, having to deal with maybe not being invited out as much, and the parents, for having to trust others to keep their child safe. But I would never not invite them over.

CinnamonToaster · 21/01/2019 17:24

Bite the bullet and ask for guidance.

The last time we had a child with an EpiPen over, the parent said they'd never actually had to use one! I doubt many teachers ever do either. So the child is looked after 24/7 by people who've never used one. Epipens are designed to be used effectively by amateurs - that is the whole point. You are just as competent and qualified as anyone else.

Drum2018 · 21/01/2019 18:29

Ds has a nut allergy. I have dummy epi/jext/ana pens to show people how to use them. They are very simple and fast to use. If the mum is dropping the child off then ask her to show you the pen - instructions are on the actual pen also. I have often sent extra food in Ds lunch box if he's going to a friend's after school. That way the parent doesn't need to think about what to feed him. It's best to be safe so if you are going to give dinner ask the mum if your planned dinner is ok.

Notonthestairs · 21/01/2019 19:13

I've been in this situation- I text the parent the suggested meal with brands to be used - eg fishfingers, chips and peas and fruit/jelly for pudding.
Ask which nuts the child is allergic to and say you'll need some advice regarding the epipen.

See what she says.

Epanoui · 21/01/2019 20:50

My friend whose daughter is severely allergic to quite a number of things including nuts will send food with her if other parents are worried or don't feel capable of cooking for her. I've always been fine with it but I know other people have been grateful for the option. Is that a possibility?

Stompythedinosaur · 21/01/2019 20:57

It seems a bit mean to exclude the child because of their allergy. You really don't need training to use an epipen, you literally just tale the top off and press it into the thigh (it can go through clothing). It is very unlikely that you will need to use it.

Couldn't you just have a chat with the mum beforehand and check out the severity of the allergy, and see if that reassures you?

Roamingwild · 21/01/2019 20:58

I completely understand why you would be nervous, my husband has a nut allergy and we have to be super cautious. As people have already mentioned, you could do a very quick freezer meal, fishfingers/potato waffles something that has clear ingredients. Just keep it really simple, or else just message mum and explain that could they just have a quick play date for an hour (with mum) with a view to having tea at another time.

hidinginthenightgarden · 21/01/2019 21:03

Could you ask mum to approve everything you plan to serve?

Hobsbawm · 21/01/2019 21:04

I've been in that position. In fact, I hosted the child's first play date that mum didn't stay for.
Yes, I was nervous, especially as my own child loves nut butters! I double checked with mum that the allergy wasn't severe enough that traces in the air/others eating nuts nearby were an issue. She admitted to being nervous herself but assured me that everything would be fine as long as her child didn't come into direct contact. (This was all very briefly done, as we arranged how best for me to get the epipen and bag at school pick up).

But I made sure I cleaned the kitchen thoroughly and didn't serve nuts. It was all fine. Deep down I was sure it would be, otherwise mum wouldn't have risked it and would have wanted to be there. As long as I was sensible, which I knew I would be, then there was no reason to worry. It must have been a huge, brave step for the other mum to take though. She had to put a lot of trust in me.

Go for it! Children with severe allergies deserve to have play dates too. :-)

Ragwort · 21/01/2019 21:04

Also totally agree that you are right to be concerned & want some guidance; I used to be a Cub Leader & we had a child with a nut allergy wanting to join us, the mother came to the Hut to help identify possible hazards, even the soap dispenser was a problem.

I would ask the mum to come on for a coffee & chat at the start of the play date.

Hobsbawm · 21/01/2019 21:06

P.s. I always do a quick check for food to serve on play dates anyway, as many young kids can be so fussy! So a quick message asking about food the child likes or to definitely avoid, shouldn't seem out of place.

Purpleartichoke · 21/01/2019 21:06

I’ve been very grateful that parents haven’t balked at DD carrying a rescue inhaler.

It doesn’t necessarily mean the kid is likely to die if something has a trace of peanut oil on it. If he was, his mom probably wouldn’t be agreeing to the play date in the first place.

sphinxa · 21/01/2019 21:07

If you have to administer the epi-pen you must call 999, regardless of whether it seems to be working.

^ this... everyone please read this!!

Purpleartichoke · 21/01/2019 21:07

I learned to use my epipen by watching a 3 minute YouTube video. It’s ridiculously simple.

Crunchymum · 21/01/2019 21:08

Have you asked the mum to stay OP?

She mentions leaving the pen, so why not just reply and say you are a bit nervous so would she be happy to stay?

sphinxa · 21/01/2019 21:12

DS has adrenaline auto-injectors for allergies. They're simple to use. As a parent you might forget how frightening this is.

When we first moved house our next door neighbours offered to take the kids up the field (fully visible from our house) while we did some DIY. The horror on her face when I casually passed over his medical bag... I did give her a crash course when I remembered this wasn't other people's normal.

LL83 · 21/01/2019 21:13

My son has a severe peanut allergy. But only ever reacted once in 2 years, we avoid all nuts and happily leave him at childminder, nursery and with family.

If it was the sort of allergy where he could react to nut dust from days ago I would not leave him.

If the mum is confident he will be ok so long as he doesn't eat a nut then I am sure he will be.

YouTube epi pen instruction is a really good idea. For my son instruction is if you use epi pen also call ambulance, state anaphylaxis and then call parent. But it is very unlikely to happen.

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