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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say mum needs to stay with this child- but allergy

72 replies

DitzyPrints · 21/01/2019 15:46

Dc invites new Friend for tea tomo both aged 6. Mums just msg me to let me know he has but allergy but will leave Epi pen with me just in case.
I feel uncomfortable with the responsibility to be honest would it be unreasonable if I say we need to postpone until mum can stay for the play date?

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 21/01/2019 16:24

Ask the mum a safe meal to give tomorrow and for her to show you how to use the epi pen.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2019 16:25

Get the mum to explain to you exactly how to use the epi pen, how soon it would take effect (so that you'd know to get further help if it wasn't working), be careful about what you provide as food and drink...

^ This, totally.

Poor kid. Also do some reading online about how to use an episode pen but definitely ask the Mum as there are lots of different types.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/01/2019 16:25

*epi pen! Bloody autocorrect.

MynameisJune · 21/01/2019 16:28

I’d ask her how to use the Epi pen, what process to follow re timings, rubbing site etc. And I’d message her what food/snacks you were planning and asking if they are okay and if not then what is.

MeredithGrey1 · 21/01/2019 16:28

My OH has a severe nuts and seeds allergy and needs an epipen, and it is hard but manageable. You just need to check absolutely everything, even things you think would never contain nuts (I once accidentally bought a tub of cream cheese that said "may contain nuts on it"). For ease, we just don't have nuts in the house, so if you are a family who regularly eats nuts/food with nuts, you'll need to make sure they're all put away and couldn't have come into contact with what you're cooking for the friend.

Could the friend's mum suggest some food, she will know some safe brands - you can always double check the packet but for peace of mind if she says "he likes X and we get the Y brand ones and they're safe" then you could just get that? I don't know what you normally cook, but it might be easier to just get a frozen pre-made food (pizza etc.) for dinner because then its just one product that you can check, rather than making something yourself from scratch and having to check every ingredient. My mum still worries whenever she has to cook for my OH, she'll send me pictures of the ingredient list on the packet of food whilst still in the supermarket so I can ok it before she buys, so I understand why you're worried but if you get a frozen pizza or similar, and make sure what you give your son is also nut free, then it should be totally fine.

Get the mum to explain to you exactly how to use the epi pen, how soon it would take effect (so that you'd know to get further help if it wasn't working)

If you have to administer the epi-pen you must call 999, regardless of whether it seems to be working.

Theunreasonableone · 21/01/2019 16:31

My DD has a nut allergy and has been to parties, tea at friends and the childminder every week without incident. It’s very easy to adhere to the rule of no nuts and the mum is just being sensible by giving you an epi pen.

HoraceCope · 21/01/2019 16:31

Just ask her how to use Epi pen, i believe you need to stab the sufferer
i helped out in year 2 or 3 and in my charge was a child with an epipen, the teacher just told me to stab her if necessary! they werent worried.

NutElla5x · 21/01/2019 16:32

It's all very well everyone telling op to just not give the child nuts,but some foods contain hidden nuts so I get why she might be a bit nervous. Op be honest with the child's mum and tell her you're a bit worried.Check with her that what you plan to feed littlun is safe and get her to show you how to use the Epi pen correctly. Good luck.

Brandnewshit · 21/01/2019 16:39

I think it's quite concerning that the mum hasn't offered to make sure you are ok with the epi pen, or checked what he will be eating.
If he has an allergy that is obviously quite severe enough to need a pen as his parent she should be a bit more on the ball.

SmileSun · 21/01/2019 16:39

the teacher just told me to stab her if necessary!

Then the teachers a fucking idiot if that's all she told you.

icannotremember · 21/01/2019 16:42

If you have to administer the epi-pen you must call 999, regardless of whether it seems to be working.

I didn't know that! Thank you @MeredithGrey1, that's something I'm really glad to have learned :)

megletthesecond · 21/01/2019 16:44

The mum needs to go through the epi-pen procedure with you. I always gave parents a crash course in it.
If he's severely allergic can she make him a packed tea so it's separate from your kitchen preparation?

Fraying · 21/01/2019 16:45

I'd want the mum to stay tbh. We have allergies in our family and my mum has an epi-pen. I know how often restaurants and shops make mistakes with their allergy provision. I wouldn't trust a school mum to ensure there were no nuts and absolutely no risk of cross-contamination and I definitely wouldn't trust them to administer an epi-pen.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 21/01/2019 16:45

Just do what my mum used to do when we had my friend round who was allergic to loads of stuff. Ask the mum what fast food restaurants the child is able to eat at (mcdonalds do nut free) and then take them there to eat.

The mum would phone my mum with a list as ling as tour arm of things she couldn't eat, including fresh fruit, it was much easier just to go out.

t1mum3 · 21/01/2019 16:45

I'm guessing that if the mother thinks it's ok to leave him, it's a pretty minimal risk. Just ask her to talk you through it and to leave you some notes if it would make you feel more comfortable. When you have a child in your house, you are taking responsibility for them. If they fall down the stairs and bang their head, you'd need to be able to deal with that situation. It's devastatingly isolating for kids with medical conditions if people aren't supportive.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 21/01/2019 16:45

OP talk to the mother. Tell her how nervous you are. Ask her about how sensitive her son's allergy is - is it just consuming nuts, or is it also exposure to "contaminated" cutlery/crockery/chopping boards. And ask about epi pen use.

It's easy enough to avoid serving nuts, but terrifying if anything in your house could set him off.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/01/2019 16:48

I do understand your concerts.
I mean how severe is the allergy. If its just a case of Don't give him nuts. That may seem all well and good anx very easy, but Certain products contain nuts that you might not necessarily be aware if you don't suffer from an allergy and have to check. Or it is a severe allergy where he can't even be in the same room as but products.
I'd ask mum to to give a list of what exactly he can eat.

SaturdayNext · 21/01/2019 16:48

It really isn't as easy as people suggest to avoid nuts. As pointed out, there may be nut oils in foods, or they may be contaminated during the manufacturing process; some children are so sensitive that they will be affected if they are playing with someone who has minute traces of nuts on their clothes and hands.

As an absolute minimum, the parent has to show you how to use the epipen and given you a number to call in case of emergencies.

Ruperbear · 21/01/2019 16:54

My BF son has but allergy and she always provides a lunch for him if he goes anywhere. There house is totally not free. She has all the knowledge and has always cooked for him. Just to be careful and also it takes the stress of the other parent and also her sitting at home thinking about it. Talk to the mum. By asking you are showing you are a caring mum. She may suggest she makes him a lunch to bring over.

ToeToToe · 21/01/2019 16:56

I had exactly this experience a couple of years ago - mum airily said "oh, and his epipen is in his bag" - I'd had no idea he was allergic to nuts before she said that! Confused

I decided then and there it was fishfingers & chips for tea, double checked the brands with her, and only gave him stuff I was absolutely sure he could eat safely.

ClanoftheCaveBear · 21/01/2019 16:59

DS has a little friend with a nut allergy and epipen. When he came for a play date I invited his mum to stay for coffee and a chat, she wasn’t happy leaving him and we all had a nice time. I think at 6 that’s appropriate.
I’m trained to deal with medical emergencies but not everyone is and I think they need someone with them who is until of an age where they can do their own epipen.

PanannyPanoo · 21/01/2019 16:59

I think you need a lot more info.

Even things like playing in the garden can be hazardous if you have bird feeders.

Give her a ring and find out exactly what you need to know to keep him safe. You will feel much more confident. The whole breezy -" I'm sure it will be fine" Is no help at all if you have a critically ill child.

OlennasWimple · 21/01/2019 17:03

I'm surprised that the mother is this relaxed about a 6yo with a nut allergy severe enough to need an epipen going on a first time play date TBH

Butterflycookie · 21/01/2019 17:06

Epi pens are quite easy to use. It should have instructions on it. From what I can remember you need to hold the pen at an angle and jab it into the persons thigh for 10
Seconds. Release and then massage for a further 10 seconds. I would ask the mother to get her to show you how to use it. It’s unlikely he will have to use it. Just double check all the ingredients in his food.

RomanyRoots · 21/01/2019 17:09

it's not just about not giving them nuts, I'm sure OP could manage this.
People with nut allergies, well the one's I've come in contact with can't eat anything that's been in contact with nuts.
Anything made in an environment containing nuts.