To expect husband to accommodate me being able to work

[ploppychops]

Sorry this is long. Think I’m just in a major panic.
We have one dd 5 years old in year 1 at private school (local state school crap we tried to to move areas but didn’t buy in time for school applications )
When she started we both worked ft and had a nanny from when dd was 6 months.
As dd got older and started school (they started at 3 though they call it nursery it was the same as school effectively) things were getting harder to stay on top of, the private school activities are pretty intense but tbh dd had absolutely flourished and doing things I never dreamed she’d be able to do.

Anyway long story short juggling two far away ft jobs wasn’t working, dh got a big pay rise and new giant bonus and everything was swimming along nicely. I left work 2 years ago when dd started reception and nanny was getting less and less useful and was using me to transport her everywhere as she didn’t drive so was quite annoying as some days I’d end up ferrying her from school myself with dd which seemed pointless.

Now dh job gone in the complete opposite direction. He sounds depressed every day, has to travel abroad a lot and it’s draining our life him not being here and me doing everything at home with no prospect of going back to work. I’ve said he should get a new job as this company looks like it’s not going to survive. They didn’t pay his bonus this year which pays all the school fees and other things. We live very frugally already so there’s not much we can cut back on. I’ve said I need to get a job but can’t figure out how to fit everything in. My area isn’t exactly running with nannies but I don’t want my old one back. My dh doesn’t seem to be putting I much effort to get a new job and I’m worried he’s going to lose his job and then we’ll be well and truly stuffed.

I’ve offered that if he sorts his current job to be on flexible working basis I will be able to go back to work again. I feel like we need to. The local state school doesn’t have many dc that even speak English and I’m worried my dd won’t fit in not to mention she’s very happy at the moment. She’s also doing year 3 work in year 1 and I’m concerned the state school won’t be able to accommodate her abilities as the their most recent Ofsted report actually mentions they leave behind dc who are ahead and expect them to wait until the others have caught up. (My friend is a teacher there and says it’s so difficult to teach all the different nationalities there when none of them understand her).

I really just want to work so I can reassure myself financially we’ll be ok. I can’t earn as much as dh but I can earn the school fees/mortgage/car payment. He’s lost his job before hence me panicking. Then I was working and we got by until he got a job again. We just had a row about him not either applying for a new job or applying for flexible working at current role to accommodate me working. He’s saying I need to stop talking about it he won’t allow me to mention jobs anymore he’s trying to apply for jobs and that’s that. He refused to apply for flexible working and I said if I wasn’t at home 24/7 he couldn’t just go travelling all the time so I expect him to request it so I can work as well. He’s working, I appreciate that but I’m not sure if I can just sit back and see what happens when there seems to be a lot at stake here.

Can you consider moving? It sounds as if there's nothing keeping you in the area (I appreciate there may be things you've not mentioned). If you or your DH could look for jobs somewhere cheaper, or with better schools, you'd seemingly solve a lot of the issues?

But yes, broadly I think he ought to be prepared to accommodate you working and it's not on simply to shut you down.

Thanks for replying.
Moving is an option but our house is small so I doubt we’d get anything better without more mortgage and again ideally I would have a salary to put toward a house so we could get something better and not worse.

As dd already in school the state school closest to us that’s ‘good’ is now oversubscribed so unlikely to get in and when we’ve looked at moving areas completely that’s a similar case for many of the good state schools.

He won't allow you to talk about jobs any more? Not on ever, but even more so when your ability to pay all bills is at stake.

Do you have skills / experience that would allow you to do home based roles or negotiate a flexible package?

Can you accommodate an au pair or live in nanny

I think I would be prepared to stay home if he was pulling out all the stops to get a different job. But he isnt so you need to prepare for worst case senarios. I think you should look for a job and fond wraparound care for your dd. Plenty of people do it. Is there a breakfast club at the school? Local childminders? Au pair?

Why would one child at school age require a nanny?
All the private schools that my friends use have wraparound provision.
If not, you only need a childminder not a nanny.

Sort out childcare, get a job. Your husband is welcome to an opinion, not a veto.

Oh i missed the bit about him forbidding you from discussing it! In that case you should definitely start to look for work because sooner or later you will need your financial independence.

If I understand it correctly you don't have a job offer yet so I think you're putting horse before the cart.

Look for a job and then once the offer is on the table and you know your hours, expectations you can tell your DH what you require of him. E.g. on Mondays you need to take DD to school as I can't.

He needs to understand that parenting is a joint responsibility.

She’s in year 1. If you can’t afford school fees now you simply can’t afford them.

Also, why do you need a nanny? You need a before school and after school club.

Private school for a child.of that age is absolute madness. That must be a lot of pressure on one wage, no wonder he's stressed and can't think straight.

Do you have room for an Au pair? She could pick up the before and after school care and help out that way. That or look for a local childminder or childcare centre, who does school pick up/drop off. Then you could use that same care for school holidays too.

I agree with the poster that says you need to go find a job first, get the best offer that you can that suits your availability, maybe a job with flexible hours like you propose for your husband so you can do school run in mornings, or maybe only 4 days a week. I agree with your husband here talking about it isn't solving anything, he says him working flexible hours won't work as it doesn't allow for travel so why do you persist that is an option, you are right though this could go badly wrong quickly and it doesn't sound like he really has the headspace at moment to find a new job so you are right to look now, when you have an offer then you find the childcare that's most cost efficient, a nanny that cant drive is total lunacy, and I have a friend works as a part time nanny she'd kill for a full time job, no one is employing full time nanny's any more she says, so if your job pays for one and the school fees I'm sure a nanny would more to the area for right pay, but anyway I'm sure an au pair, child-minder or afterschool facility would be more than sufficient, the requirement s for a 5 year old are very different to a baby of 6 months so don't get hung up on what you used to do,

In your position I would just start applying for jobs. Get the best one you possibly can and negotiate your start date for say 4 weeks’ time. That gives you enough time to sort childcare and for DH to get his head around the idea and either get new job or sort hours.

Well men putting their career first and woman picking up the pieces hardly unusual (!)

That being said -

1 - private school is surely 8-6 at least so do you really need a Nannie?

2 - is she really doing year 3 work in year 1 that is a HUGE difference and I think all the kids there would be up for the Nobel peace prize/Mensa or something

3 - can you find an alternative / part time role to bolster income and prevent you having to be part time?

4 - your DH needs to recognise the issue.

Child minder or after school club?

It sounds as though you’re living beyond your means and it’s this that’s putting the pressure on you both. A sign of this is that you’ve got yourself in a frame of mind that there’s only two schools to choose from, which is unlikely.

Private school I can do 7:30-4:45 only ( it basically exists mainly because of the many crap state schools in my area everyone’s in the same boat as me why they send their dc there, they haven’t moved to the good school and so end up here)

I live in a crap area, a real commuter town so literally no jobs in the local area that pay anything close to enough to warrant going back to work.

The commute into London is a minimum 1 hour each way, I used to leave at 7am and be home about 7pm. Part time roles won’t pay enough if I have to cover childcare.

I contacted all the Childminder’s on our council website so ofsted registered ones as I can use dh childcare vouchers (and hopefully my own with a job) and none pick up from the school. There is a campaign for obvious reasons for extra childcare at school ongoing but that’s another story! Maybe I can look up non registered ones.

No room for an au pair even though I would love one unfortunately. That’s how a few of the other mums work but mostly they have grandparents help.

If dh job seemed secure and all the signs weren’t pointing in the wrong direction I’d stay put and carry on but he’s done this before and lost his job and it was hard enough without school fees. We have savings but ideally I like them staying out vs waiting until worst case scenario to use them up. Only other thing i can think of is we move and rent but not ideal, our mortgage is much lower than rent.

It's very easy especially on MN to say that bith parents have equal responsibility and must do flexible working. The reality very often is that flexible working isnt an option. I think you need to be looking at jobs and childcare that fit in with what you already have in place certainly to start with and take things from there.

You need a job and child care, not a nanny, not your husband working flexibly. Actually if his job's in jeopardy, asking for flexible hours could help them decide to get shot. Pretend you're a single parent and do whatever you'd do if you were.

What do you mean there's nothing local that would pay enough to warrant you going back to work ? Any salary would be better than none as you have to pay school fees anyway. But if you can get a better job further away then some of your joint income will need to be used to pay for wrap around care, this is normal.

Try childcare.co.uk you may find someone more flexible

But yes YANBU to think that you and your dh should sit down and discuss the best way to maximise your family income and that you will both need to be flexible.

@BarbarianMum I need to be able to pay for childcare so a low salary won’t work.

I have applied for jobs between school hours but nothings come about from it.

Seems I need to change my point of view and see what else I can do though.

@Bluelady good point I hadn’t thought perhaps dh is thinking that and not saying it.

If school can cover 7.30-4.45, surely you can get a job between those hours and won’t need additional care? Even just a couple of hours as a dinner lady or something would help you out.

You’re missing the part where she has to commute in and out of London an hour each way. There are many, many jobs which only exist in any meaningful way in London, so it’s not at all obvious that she can just work locally. And if you’re commuting, then after school care (even that usually offered by private schools) just won’t cut it.