To expect husband to accommodate me being able to work

[ploppychops]

Sorry this is long. Think I’m just in a major panic.
We have one dd 5 years old in year 1 at private school (local state school crap we tried to to move areas but didn’t buy in time for school applications )
When she started we both worked ft and had a nanny from when dd was 6 months.
As dd got older and started school (they started at 3 though they call it nursery it was the same as school effectively) things were getting harder to stay on top of, the private school activities are pretty intense but tbh dd had absolutely flourished and doing things I never dreamed she’d be able to do.

Anyway long story short juggling two far away ft jobs wasn’t working, dh got a big pay rise and new giant bonus and everything was swimming along nicely. I left work 2 years ago when dd started reception and nanny was getting less and less useful and was using me to transport her everywhere as she didn’t drive so was quite annoying as some days I’d end up ferrying her from school myself with dd which seemed pointless.

Now dh job gone in the complete opposite direction. He sounds depressed every day, has to travel abroad a lot and it’s draining our life him not being here and me doing everything at home with no prospect of going back to work. I’ve said he should get a new job as this company looks like it’s not going to survive. They didn’t pay his bonus this year which pays all the school fees and other things. We live very frugally already so there’s not much we can cut back on. I’ve said I need to get a job but can’t figure out how to fit everything in. My area isn’t exactly running with nannies but I don’t want my old one back. My dh doesn’t seem to be putting I much effort to get a new job and I’m worried he’s going to lose his job and then we’ll be well and truly stuffed.

I’ve offered that if he sorts his current job to be on flexible working basis I will be able to go back to work again. I feel like we need to. The local state school doesn’t have many dc that even speak English and I’m worried my dd won’t fit in not to mention she’s very happy at the moment. She’s also doing year 3 work in year 1 and I’m concerned the state school won’t be able to accommodate her abilities as the their most recent Ofsted report actually mentions they leave behind dc who are ahead and expect them to wait until the others have caught up. (My friend is a teacher there and says it’s so difficult to teach all the different nationalities there when none of them understand her).

I really just want to work so I can reassure myself financially we’ll be ok. I can’t earn as much as dh but I can earn the school fees/mortgage/car payment. He’s lost his job before hence me panicking. Then I was working and we got by until he got a job again. We just had a row about him not either applying for a new job or applying for flexible working at current role to accommodate me working. He’s saying I need to stop talking about it he won’t allow me to mention jobs anymore he’s trying to apply for jobs and that’s that. He refused to apply for flexible working and I said if I wasn’t at home 24/7 he couldn’t just go travelling all the time so I expect him to request it so I can work as well. He’s working, I appreciate that but I’m not sure if I can just sit back and see what happens when there seems to be a lot at stake here.

If you only live there because of needing to be within an hour of london are you sure there's not somewhere else you could move? Depending on trains you might find another area is an hour away but has better provision and lower house prices? it sounds like you live in a rubbish area, maybe it's just how you make it sound.

while you are waiting you should put your names on the waiting lists of all the local childminders and look for at least a local part time job. You wont have to pay for much childcare of you only work the hours that school/wrap around school care is running

@riotlady yes I’ve applied to be dinner lady and school secretary etc. These jobs seem to go internally immediately. My town has high unemployment. It’s not so easy to find paid part time roles. I have registered with agencies asking for any kind of admin roles part time but nothing seems to come up and I’m often told I’m over qualified even when I say I’m not because I’ve been off for a long time. Ive volunteered in the day to try to get it to lead to things unfortunately the volunteer role I was in had its funding cut so all of us were told to go home.

I don't know where you live but you aren't selling it!

I'd find a job first. After a break from employement your assuming you're going to find a job that covers the mrtgage, private fees etc.

Childcare for one school aged chid isn't that expensive.

But you only need after school and holiday cover

I agree find a job first and then work out childcare

Could you do some freelance work from home

To be honest I think you need to move, unless you are in receipt of huge amounts of family support that can't be replaced the area you're in seems to have nothing positive about it at all! No jobs, expensive housing, poor schools, no childcare.

I live in a market town in the SE, about an hour on the train to London. Lots of jobs in the local area, great schools and abundant childcare. I can't live in the only town like this! Houses aren't cheap admittedly but you can get a decent 3 bed for £300k.

Start researching other areas that work for your husband's current job and give some serious thought to moving. Your DD is young, it will be much easier to move now than in a few years time. It doesn't sound as though you can sustain the school fees at secondary school to be honest so I think you need to start thinking long term.

Good luck!

You’re basing your views on state school based on one friend and the presumed fact that your child is working 2 years ahead....
How sure of that can you be? It’s in your school’s interest to make you want to keep your child there..... so I’d question it.

Where are you? I would look at moving. There are plenty of places within an hour of London with decent state education!

If you're not working at all at present, then any job is going to be bringing in more money than you have right now. Look at every business that you could reach from school by, say 9.00am and finish at 3 - that's 30 hours a week, no childminder necessary.

Try looking at jobs at the crap schools, for a start. That instantly gets you term time only contracts and cuts out the issue of dealing with the majority of school holidays - I appreciate that it doesn't allow for the week here and there where private schools break up early, though, but lots run holiday clubs for that reason. And try the private schools as well - not just primary or prep, but secondary, too.

Why don't you do after school childcare? You could as a registered childminder or set up as an after school club on the school premises?

@Believeitornot there’s also a couple of dc in dd class who went to the school then moved because it wasn’t a good school. I actually went to the crap school but it’s changed beyond recognition, it’s always been crap but it’s moved onto something terrible. Tbh going to a crap primary school affected me well into my teenage years, I went on to a senior school mixed with dc from better schools and it was noticeable how much I had to catch up. It took me a couple of years to catch up to the better schooled dc and if I can help it I’ll avoid that for dd.

I’ve based my opinion on ofsted reports, local information, dc who have left the school and my friend who teaches there.

I will just continue to look for a 9-3 role as that seems to be the better outcome in this scenario. Thanks for the replies.

That’s fair enough. I would ask yourself though if the thought of working is what is putting you off but you’re looking for other reasons?

You're trying to find a job that:

• allows you to do all drop offs and pick ups (and cover sick days, generous holiday allowance etc) and
• pays enough to fund school fees and
• provides security in case you're down to one income and
• fits with wrap around childcare that isn't yet in place and relies on driving and
• you have a long commute and
• local jobs are scarce.

I do know people who manage the above (without grandparents or live in nannies or au pairs) but they're rare. And they tend to be people who moved from well paid roles to freelance/contractor roles with a reliable client base built over many years.

I think you're unlikely to find this in your current area with the current school. You need to be able to lose one or more of your job criteria.

You're absolutely sensible to look though and I have a lot of sympathy. I know many women who have left careers they loved because one parent had to take the hit. And it almost always seems to be mothers.

Unfortunately if a business is struggling financially flexible hours are almost certainly going to be impossible to obtain especially if this limits travel which is often key to increasing the level of income into a business. If he is working long hours he probably doesn't really have time for an in depth job search so it will inevitably take longer than someone who has more time and as you are saying you are struggling to find a job what makes you think it'd be any easier for him.

Go and volunteer in a school
Ask local schools what systems they use for the office
Get qualifications in those
Look at TA roles - check agencies
They do go internally so go and be internal

What are you actually qualified to do? In your circumstances it might be more helpful to canvas for ideas ?

I'm inclined to agree with posters who have suggested relocation but if you simply do a job which requires you to be in central London on a 9-5 basis and you are unlikely to be able to afford to live less than 1hr commute each way [£6k plus on train fare for starters] then it's retrain/reskill or relocate. It's worth looking at large commuter towns that have major companies located [back office activities mostly] to see what your options could be.

You don’t need a nanny for a primary school child, you need a childminder for wraparound care. If you can’t afford the school fees, she needs to be in state school. You can still apply to the oversubscribed schools and hope for the best. We moved to a small town last year which only has three primary schools, all of which were oversubscribed. My DC still got a place in one.

Many families have wraparound care and both work FT, it’s kind of the norm so he doesn’t need to quit working in order for you to work. Agreed he should be trying harder to find a new job given the circumstances.

Thanks. I’ve emailed all the ofsted Childminder’s (again) to see if they can help me.

I’ve also applied for some more school hour jobs today online. Just to say that we can afford to live right now, we’re just living within a tight budget but not if dh loses his job which I don’t even know if he will but it’s not looking good at all so I’m panicking.
At least a pt job will allow me to buffer the blow and give us longer on savings and redundancy I suppose. Think I’ve got myself into a panic at the thought of what we went through a few years ago.

You have one child, so of course you can do this! Doesn't your daughter's school have an after school club? The businesses that are private schools are usually on top of such things!

Oh, and certainly here in Scotland, you're no longer bound to the catchment school after the first year of primary. Sometimes places do come up, so you could try other schools.

I would move. It's not going to get any cheaper and frankly the fees you are spending now on private school could easily be out towards the cost of a house in a better catchment area.

Look at all the schools in your area and get her on the waiting list for any you think will meet her needs. If a space comes up, you are ideally placed to fill it. Even if you don’t get a space until y3, it gives you the prospect of reducing the school fees bill.

Very surprised that a private school does not offer wrap around care. I would say get a job (offer) and see what hours and flexibility they can offer. I do not think your DH/DP should ask for flexible hours whilst his job is at risk/you do not have a job. How about asking about a bursary.

Move and send her to state school. Private school fees are an insane expense and I find it hard to believe the year three work thing anyway.

If she was happy and thriving at school she doesn't need to be working ahead of her age anyway.