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Original poster

11yo ds has been looking at porn

46 replies

caitlinohara · 20/01/2019 20:00

Dh found out today that ds has been looking at (pretty nasty) porn. He found out because ds has a screen limit app on his phone which had 'stopped working' (I suspect ds had been tampering with it) so he went in to reinstall it and chanced on his browsing history. It's pretty bad, I mean, on a scale of 1 to 10 about an 8 I would say. I haven't seen the videos but I have seen the titles. It looks like this has been going on since December.

I am completely devastated because I thought that our parental controls were pretty watertight - dh works in IT and he assured me it was all set up. It seems that ds had worked out the PIN number for his phone Settings and had simply gone in and ticked 'allow adult content'. Dh had told me that the router itself would filter stuff out as a backup.

I don't know what to do, I am so upset about it. I feel like we have failed him. Absolutely raging at dh. Maybe I should have checked it myself but like I said, dh works in IT and I just trusted that he would do this properly. I haven't spoken to ds about it yet because I don't know what to say. I don't want to embarrass him or humiliate him. He hasn't done anything wrong. It's our fault as parents.

I don't know what advice I am asking for really. Please don't shout at me for being a shit parent, I'm doing enough of that at myself. Any advice on how to handle this would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
ThatThingYouDo · 20/01/2019 20:44

Sorry OP I have no advice, but I'm bumping this for you.

My son is younger so I haven't been through this, no doubt I'll be dealing with something similar in the future.

peachypetite · 20/01/2019 20:47

you need to talk to him!!

Apileofballyhoo · 20/01/2019 20:47

I know a boy of similar age who was quite traumatised by some of what he'd seen, so just bear that in mind when you are chatting to him.

peachypetite · 20/01/2019 20:49

Posted too early. I'd also be thinking about giving him a cheap phone, no smart phone. Why does an 11 year old need one?

PhoenixBuchanan · 20/01/2019 20:52

Your priority needs to be talking to your son, not raging at your DH. As others have said, this could have a really seriously damaging effect on him.

I understand your upset at your DH but it's not entirely his fault, is it? My DC are younger but I can't envisage a situation in which my 11 year old would have their own phone already- and if they did, I would be checking it regularly.

SavoyCabbage · 20/01/2019 20:53

I don’t think how he managed to access it should be your main concern. You need to get past that and move on to the actual issues.

userschmoozer · 20/01/2019 20:56

There are 2 separate issues, his internet access, and the porn.

He has shown you that he can't manage his internet time so has to be monitored.
You need to talk to him about porn, how harmful it is to the women in it, and how it fuels human trafficking and prostitution. Its ok to ban it on those grounds.

RitaConnors · 20/01/2019 20:57

Why has your ds 'not done anything wrong'? He must know that looking up pretty nasty porn is not something he should be doing!

You are carrying on like your dh jammed your ds's eyelids open ' Clockwork Orange' style.

LovingLola · 20/01/2019 20:57

You and your dh need to look at the videos to see exactly what your child has watched. Look at the browsing history to see how many times and which ones
Has he sent links to his friends? Have his friends watched it on his phone ? If so you need to let their parents know .

waitingforthenextbus · 20/01/2019 20:58

sit him down, together and talk to him about what he has seen, what he thinks about it. Tell him to ask ANYTHING he wants about what he has seen. He needs to know that what there is a difference between real sex and fantasy and the 'acting' he has seen. He needs to know that he's not wrong or dirty if he has been aroused by some stuff he's seen.
Talk to him. HOW he has seen it is almost irrelevant, he'll see this stuff via friends or older brothers of friends.

Desmondo2016 · 20/01/2019 20:59

If it helps, my lovely, intelligent, well behaved, head of school council, never been told off in his life, son was one of the ring leaders at a sleepover ages 10 (someone else's house with no parental controls) in encouraging all the boys to Google search some pretty horrendous stuff and then watching the results. One boy reported to his parents who reported to the school. Cue a very very embarrassing telephone calls home to me and LOTS of embarrassing parenting conversations and discipline that followed.

I think my reaction and the punishments that followed told him just how much he'd let us down.

I know this doesn't help, but just to reassure you it doesn't mean he's some kind of deviant or something. Normal exploratory behaviour taken too far due to a mix of immaturity and a technical ability beyond their emotional maturity.

AllWorkNoSleep · 20/01/2019 20:59

It's inevitable that most young teenagers will come across or seek out porn at some stage, please don't beat yourself up. We can do whatever we can to try and prevent it but the stuff is everywhere. I think at this point a conversation with your DS is a must. Hopefully he hasn't been traumatised by anything he's seen but he needs to understand it's not the 'norm' and about healthy relationships. Good luck!

LovingLola · 20/01/2019 21:00

And your da has transgressed. He changed settings and PIN numbers. Presumably when he got the phone you laid down ground rules?
At the very least I think you need to replace the smart phone with a much simpler one with no internet access

NowYouHaveDoneIt · 20/01/2019 21:02

OP don' t beat yrself up. If he hadn' t found it on his own phone he could easily look at it on a friends. Dcs are so up on tech stuff these days. Stats say that many parents think they know what their dcs are doing online but actually don't because they are so good at covering up. You or dh are going to have to talk to him at some point though or change the pin to one with a really long number and no keyboard pattern and then again monthly? How did he work out the pin though? Rhetorical question really. It's done. Be thankful you found it.

Sparrowlegs248 · 20/01/2019 21:09

I do think DS has done something wrong. He must know that it's something that wouldn't be "allowed" and he had tampered with the phone settings to enable him to watch it.

I dont think he , or any 11 year old, needs a smart phone with internet access. I do think you need to talk to him about it. I think he's let you down but equally, I think you've let him down in a way.

Chickychoccyegg · 20/01/2019 21:16

well he has done something wrong if he's guessed the pin and changed settings, which show he didn't just stumble across it, he set out to watch it.
i would take away his phone , replace with a basic one.
i dont get why your so angry at dh it's not his fault
you need to have a serious talk with ds about watching things that are not age appropriate, I would be angry with ds rather than dh.

Shadow1986 · 20/01/2019 21:28

Arghhh. Awful situation OP. You’re not a shit parent though at all.
I think if this was me I would ban use of devices upstairs, unless the WiFi was switched off - so he doesn’t have the chance to access this kind of thing. Maybe take away his phone before bedtime.
I guess teens are very inquisitive - not the same but my parents had a large collection of books and I remember reading many that were way too old for me, one about Fred and rose west for example, I was probably about 12 and my parents kept taking the book back but not actually saying anything to me about it!
I’m not sure at 11 he would realise how wrong it is - I would just put the fear in him saying his history will be checked, even if he thinks it’s been deleted - you will see EVERYTHING.

ErickBroch · 20/01/2019 21:34

I don't think you should be angry at your DH?! Your DS has clearly done what he can to get around parental controls set up.

The issue here isn't really the porn but the type, nothing else to do but have a frank discussion about it with him and explain why it is dangerous and misleading and not something he should think is acceptable?

goldengummybear · 20/01/2019 21:50

You need to stop being angry with your dh. This is a really common problem in 2019.

I'm assuming he's 11 and in secondary rather than 11 and in primary.
Have you talked about sex with your son? Do you live in a family where he can ask you a difficult questions about it - say what's double anal mean? How long is a big dick? It's so easy to Google questions like that and end up with tmi. I suspect a lot of teens would watch a video that answered their question then see click bait directing the next nasty video and the cycle continues.
Kids around him will be discussing sex and porn so it's important that you speak to him about it periodically or his sense of what is normal behaviour will end up skewed.

Your son will know that it's not ok to watch or search for this kind of material at school and it's the same rules at home. It's easy to get around many filters and I suspect that kids swap tips on this at school. Personally he'd be on an Internet ban for a while because he's broken trust.

Desmondo2016 · 21/01/2019 13:19

On what planet is it considered normal.for a child to be comfortable asking what double anal means?

ReanimatedSGB · 21/01/2019 13:30

Please remember the distinction between what he looks at and how he behaves. Kids are curious about sex, and they have nearly always seen more than you think they have - or you would like them to have. So don't go full tilt 'it's disgusting and so are you.'

If you think he needs some proper sex education but for you or his dad to discuss it with him would be uncomfortable or not much use, Scarleteen is pretty good though it might be a bit advance for him.

Also, Bish has this useful article on porn (no explicit pictures, Bish is an educational site.)

EmeraldShamrock · 21/01/2019 13:39

OP I have no advice but I am dreading this day, DD has already asked what porn is, the boys in her class have been talking about it they're 10. I think all parents should search their DC'S history often, even with control settings, especially their phone.
My nephew aged 12 spends hours on his room alone, I have said to DSIS many times to do some detective work but she is not fazed.
DC have to much access and if it is there, curiosity will get the better of them.

Haisuli · 21/01/2019 14:14

This happened to us this summer with our 11 year old son. We were on an extended family holiday and I needed to Google the answer to something quickly. I picked up the neatest phone to me which was his and the internet was on porn hub! We werw horrified. He was mortified because he knew it was wrong and he really really more than anything did not want to talk about it with all his cousins around. He said his friends had put it on his phone before we came away and he didn't want to look at it again We have a no phones upstairs rule now, but we haven't got round to having the conversation with him. I did say at the time that it was normal to be curious but that it wasn't how real sex was..I'd like to talk properly but it seems hard without traumering him more. I remember before we went on holiday him catching a glimpse of my boobs and saying why were they so small because normal.boob are round and I wonder now what he has seen. I am very sad when I think about it.

Pk37 · 21/01/2019 14:19

You need to talk to your ds and explain this kind of crap in porn is not reflective of real life or ok.
And you also need to stop blaming your dh! It’s your son who has found a way to bypass this , no fault of your husbands

peachypetite · 21/01/2019 21:48

Did you talk to him?