11yo ds has been looking at porn

[caitlinohara]

Dh found out today that ds has been looking at (pretty nasty) porn. He found out because ds has a screen limit app on his phone which had 'stopped working' (I suspect ds had been tampering with it) so he went in to reinstall it and chanced on his browsing history. It's pretty bad, I mean, on a scale of 1 to 10 about an 8 I would say. I haven't seen the videos but I have seen the titles. It looks like this has been going on since December.

I am completely devastated because I thought that our parental controls were pretty watertight - dh works in IT and he assured me it was all set up. It seems that ds had worked out the PIN number for his phone Settings and had simply gone in and ticked 'allow adult content'. Dh had told me that the router itself would filter stuff out as a backup.

I don't know what to do, I am so upset about it. I feel like we have failed him. Absolutely raging at dh. Maybe I should have checked it myself but like I said, dh works in IT and I just trusted that he would do this properly. I haven't spoken to ds about it yet because I don't know what to say. I don't want to embarrass him or humiliate him. He hasn't done anything wrong. It's our fault as parents.

I don't know what advice I am asking for really. Please don't shout at me for being a shit parent, I'm doing enough of that at myself. Any advice on how to handle this would be much appreciated.

My Ds done the exact same thing, he’d just had sex education at school and became curious about sex.

The kids got talking and porn etc... was mentioned, I found out when I picked his IPad up and was faced with a pop up advert of 2 men having hard core sex.

We had the talk with him, explained that this wasn’t real life sex, how inappropriate it was at his age to be viewing this sort of adult material.

He asked a few questions and we answer etc...

Ours was also because we changed network provider and just didn’t think to update our family shield internet parental security controls.

I wouldn't really worry OP, I clearly remember watching porn at around the age of 9/10 with friends as we were curious (my parents also thought parental control was on but those are easy to crack if you know your way around technology), we probably saw plenty of stuff we shouldn't have seen as it's pretty easy to come across extreme content once on a porn site but now is perfect timing to sit him down and talk about consent, the porn industry and the content he has been viewing and answer all his questions about sex or surrounding sex. Don't embarass him or make him feel bad for being curious and seeking answers on the internet (though do maybe tell him off for changing the settings and breaking your trust over that) but do tell him that porn is not a content that's adapted to his age and that you would rather he comes to you to answer his questions about sex as you are there to provide him with information and answer his questions and that porn is not really representative of what really happens between two consenting adults and can make way for inaccurate expectations.

Don't beat yourself up, you haven't failed him and he is being a very normal 11yo.

Really confused why you are ‘raging’ at your DP, do you not think he too will feel terrible? You being annoyed at him should be the last thing on your mind. You both need to work as a team in talking to your DS around the issue. I feel for you coming across that and can understand it would be a shock but don’t blame your DP it’s not his fault - If I worked in IT, set everything up correctly, I wouldn’t really prepare myself for a 11yo to ‘break the system’ considering my exp in the field. I’m sure your DP feels bad enough.

I agree with the others that your son is the culprit here. It is pretty common for children to come across or actively look for porn on the internet (my kids had boys in their Y3 class watching porn). That doesn't make it any more acceptable or less damaging of course, but it is nothing unusual.

I would explain that porn is like an action film. Just like we don't see cars in our neighbourhood fly through the air and then exploding, real sex and porn have little to do with each other. I would talk about real bodies/surgery, ideals of beauty, love, consent, gender stereotyping, exploitation, relationships etc. with him. Those need to be ongoing conversations. I would give him some books like "Does this happen to everyone?" and use those as conversation starters. This might be helpful too: www.esafety.gov.au/education-resources/iparent/online-risks/online-pornography/talking-to-teens-about-pornography

If you take away his phone or ban him from the internet, he will go to a friend's and watch it there and resent you. He will learn that he can't come to you with this issue. I would put controls back on, ask him what he felt an appropriate consequence would be and take it from there.

I have just (yesterday) found my 11yr old SN son searching ‘Anime Sex’ on his iPad. To say I was horrified is an understatement! I also thought I had all the correct parental controls in place. What’s more shocking is that this was on YouTube. Whilst the video wasn’t particularly graphic, the general feel is that of none consensual sex. Digging further into his history, massive red flags were raised when words like forced, rape, orgy and gang bang appeared. (I presume these came with the search as he hadn’t specifically searched these words) I tried to explain to him that any sort of porn isn’t real life but other than watching him 24/7 on his iPad I really have no idea what to do 😔 Any advice is appreciated

Doesn't matter what controls are in place, always check history. They never remember to delete it all.
And block YouTube.

Why have you resurrected a zombie thread???

Start your own.

Nothing to say specifically about this situation (I think it’s all been said above) but it does strike me that lots of parents are appearing to get into these situations at the moment. Children they seem to think are too young to be taught about issues like consent, prostitution, pornography, fetishes etc., are being given full internet access on phones and iPads. I question whether we need to give 11 year olds phones at all. “All their friends have one” is the only logic I have heard for doing so, and it’s crap.

Ooh zombie.

Thank you for all your ‘Zombie’ comments. Most helpful. FYI I only joined mumsnet today in desperation, needing constructive advice for a situation I feel ill equipped to handle. I never went through anything like this with my 24yr old son. So thank you herculepoirot2 and sanityisamyth for my very first impression of mumsnet

It is helpful to point out it's a zombie thread as you won't get any help tagging on the end. Start your own thread and people will help you.

Thank you

doesn't mean he's some kind of deviant or something. Normal exploratory behaviour taken too far due to a mix of immaturity and a technical ability beyond their emotional maturity

^ This.

Watch at least part of the clips he watched OP, if you can't bear that then view the titles/cover, then sit down and talk to your son. & Don't be coy, or gloss over stuff - be brutally direct.

I'd like to bet most people who think their precious sons haven't ever looked at porn and they'd 100% know if he did, are entirely wrong. Whether off their own bat or over a mate's shoulder/mate showing off clips on phone after school etc it is very, very common. & in one form or another it always has been.

The trick is if you find out about it, to nip it in the bud quickly and have that talk. Don't let anyone convince you to show anger and disgust towards your son - direct talk is what's needed and no mincing your words. Perhaps get your H to do it, if you feel you can't. You're angry with your H as with his tech know-how he should've been more savvy, but hopefully this will pass. People make mistakes.

Good luck

It’s very important that you handle this carefully and without anger or embarrassment. If anything it is a great opportunity to educate your son on how porn is fake and unrealistic and how some themes and types of porn can be degrading and harmful.

Don’t shame him. You could cause some really serious issues if you do.

You’re not a shit parent. Kids do this. I’d be talking with him and having words with him about circumventing the controls as that’s a big breach of trust. I’d probably also take his phone off him just now and when he gets it back check it daily.

No it's not dh's fault, my daughter who is 13 has been circumventing all securities, noting pins and passwords for a year now so that she can do as she pleases on line (and what she has been upto is seriously concerning). Have had to ban her from all tech and keep family laptop locked away from her.
It's great to have clever, curious kids with a penchant for problem solving.......

When I say this has been going on for a year, I mean that we've discussed it, so have school, devises and internet contact have been withdrawn multiple times etc, each retry of trusting her not to go to certain sites has failed, the removal of everything is an absolute last resort. I am so angry that access to such sites is so widespread and easy for children to access, and the the onus is put on parents to make things safe, when the safegaurds available are so easy for kids to circumvent.
Btw, almost all of her friends are up to the same thing, most of their parents are oblivious.

Jevansmum

Unfortunately, Jevan, it is helpful to point this out because there are some people who prowl these boards looking for particular things and wanting people to share information for reasons none of us would find edifying. I pointed out it was a zombie thread in case you were one of those people.

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Why didn't you or DH test the filters on your own phones first?