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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be devastated that DH had changed his mind about DC2?

28 replies

moretractorsplease · 20/01/2019 18:54

Hi,
So, we have one DC aged 2. I lost a baby last year and we agreed we'd try again but wait a bit (due to various life events). We agreed to try in the New Year. There was no doubt in my mind that DH didn't mean this.

Come just before Christmas I mention this and remind him about trying in the new year, thinking that actually we could just crack on with it and start before Christmas. This started a very awkward and long conversation where he admitted that actually he didn't want a second child at all. Needless to say I was devastated.

I didn't mention it over Christmas so as not to spoil anything but I've been extremely down since the conversation, crying most days. I brought it up again today and he's still saying he doesn't want another. When I asked why he said he just doesn't, said he loves DC1 but doesn't really want any more and said it was expensive too. I tried to a argue that it wouldn't be that much more expensive, we don't need to buy anything, we have everything from DC1 and we would never pay two lots of nursery fees. I told him I was devastated and have been crying all the time. Told him how unfair he's been on DC1 not to have a sibling and also on me, misleading me. Nothing would sway him.

I love DH and don't want to leave. I'm in my late thirties too and have no desire to meet anyone else and have DC2 with them (nothing against anyone who does, I just don't want this). But I can't see how I can go on with someone who I'm going to resent. It's always going to be an issue.
Has anyone else been through this and come out the other side?
Anything I can do to convince DH?

OP posts:

careermumofone · 20/01/2019 19:02

I think this is really unfair and you have a right to be upset about it. It's one thing if you had agreed to stop at one or been considering it together but the fact that you tried for a second baby and lost it and then agreed to try again is really unfair. I'd feel exactly the same in your situation.

Opheliasgoldenwine · 20/01/2019 19:07

YADNBU. What did he say when you said he'd misled you?

Namechangedforthis79 · 20/01/2019 19:08

He's allowed to change his mind. It seems like he's thinking more of the child you already have.

Deadbudgie · 20/01/2019 19:09

Op can I recommend a Facebook group, one and done- not by choice. It’s for people who would love another child by they can’t either because of infertility, medical issues, financial issues or because their partner doesn’t want another. It’s v supportive.

My partner put off having another and by the time we started trying it seems like it was too late. Although still together part of me hates him. I stay with him for DS.

Ultramic · 20/01/2019 19:12

Could it be that losing your baby last year is affecting how he's feeling? Perhaps he's reluctant to risk going through another loss again?

Lockheart · 20/01/2019 19:19

He is NBU to change his mind, YANBU to be upset.

It's not unfair to a child to be an only child.

If you feel like you have already talked this through as much as you can, and you can see no way through, then you will need to decide whether having another child is more important than your relationship. Lots of relationships end over differences in having more (or any!) children. It's not something you can really compromise on.

It may be that he is still grieving for the child you lost last year, and he is afraid of that happening again. It may be that the prospect (and then loss) of a second child threw his feelings into sharp relief and he's come to the realisation that he's happy with how things are.

Yinv · 20/01/2019 19:24

Yanbu to be devastated. All very well to say he doesn’t want to argue over it but it’s not something that’s going to go away. He needs to realise that and make a decision accordingly because this could eat away at your marriage.

Boysandbuses · 20/01/2019 19:26

Yanbu but then neither is he. He was willing to have a second child, now he isn't. It could be the miscarriage.

Telling him he is being unfair on your child, isn't fair. Your child will be perfectly fine being an only child. You are projecting your feelings onto your child.

This is an awful situation because there is no compromise. I would recommend not trying to convince him. If he gives in only to make you happy, that's not fair on the potential child.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Chewinggumwalk · 20/01/2019 19:30

Oh OP, this must be so hard for both of you. He must know he’s upset you and that it’s sad you’re not on the same page; you must be devastated to hear that; and for your loss.

I think all you can do is ask him to sit down and talk openly and honestly about why you do and don’t want a child, and the implications for your relationship if neither of you changes your mind.

It won’t help you, because that ache for another DC is not filled by anything, but it might help to look at some groups for parents of only children - there are positives for the DC that you have, and focussing on those might help you not to worry about him at least. All the and for you.

Pachyderm1 · 20/01/2019 19:31

I’m so sorry OP. He’s allowed to change his mind (and I don’t think it’s misleading to do so if it’s genuine) but that doesn’t make it easier for you.

You can make your case - properly cost it out, address his concerns etc - but not indefinitely. At some point if he won’t change his mind you will have to accept it, or leave.

Can you also try and see it from his point of view - consider the advantages of only having one, see the things you will be able to afford etc? It might help you come to terms with it.

MumW · 20/01/2019 19:39

I'd feel the same way as you.

Given that you lost a baby, could you suggest some counselling to explore why he's changed his mind, eg:is it fear of losing another, and to help him understand and explore how this makes you feel.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/01/2019 19:43

Hi OP I feel for you it's a horrible situation. Like others have said maybe the miscarriage changed his feelings, but it's hard to know if it was relief there wasn't another baby, or he is scared of the same thing happening again.

I was kind of in the same position and after much discussion my husband agreed to another. There was no shouting or ultimatum or anything but still there is still an unspoken 'you wanted this' when times are hard, and I'm not sure he bonded the same with the second. So going ahead when he had said OK but was not 100pc on board was probably not a great idea in hindsight if I'm being totally honest. I also feel like I can't ever moan about how hard it is or express any negative opinions as I will get an 'I told you so'. He often 'jokes' "and you thought two was a good idea" when they take turns in waking up in the night for example.

I think I was so blinded by wanting another child I didn't really weigh up the pros and cons. For example I'm so much more run down than I was with one. There is literally zero down time. I hope it will get better in time but at the moment there are very few activities we can do as a family, I feel so stretched as not giving anyone what they want. But then I think most people cope with small children better than me so none of this may be relevant. Just lots of little things I hadn't really thought about such as eldest having to give up activities as they clash with baby's nap times, and I used to collect eldest from nursery on my bike which we both loved and I can't do any more.

Sorry I know this is one massive ramble about me, just trying to give the perspective of someone who has been through it

Maneandfeathers · 20/01/2019 19:44

I was adamant I wanted two however when it came to it I really struggled with parenting and wanted to stop at 1.
DH was upset at first but now agrees it was the right thing and we are much better off with an only.

Sometimes you don’t know how your going to feel until it happens, he probably didn’t predict he would feel this way.

It’s not the end of the world to just have one!

TheBigBangRocks · 20/01/2019 19:48

He's allowed to change his mind, your wants don't trump his like you seem to be thinking. Do you think forcing him won't make him resent you and the child?

It's not unfair on your DS to not have a sibling whatsoever. That was an awful guilt card to play to get your own way.

He's very sensible to think about finances. Your argument it won't cost anything is naive at best. Baby equipment is only a tiny part of it. A second child still requires food, clothes, space, activities, school costs for trips etc.

BifsWif · 20/01/2019 19:52

He’s allowed to change his mind, however I would be hurt too.

You need to think long and hard about your next steps, it’s likely that the resentment will eat away at you and I don’t know if I would be able to stay with my husband if I were in your situation.

MumW · 20/01/2019 21:02

He's allowed to change his mind, your wants don't trump his like you seem to be thinking. Do you think forcing him won't make him resent you and the child?

This is a two way street. His wants don't trump the OP's either and she may end up resenting her DH for restricting the family to 1 DC. There is no easy solution to this but you really do need to explore both your feelings to find a way through.

He is the one that changed his mind so I don't think the OP is BU to want to see if he would be prepared to change his mind back again.

Weetabixandshreddies · 20/01/2019 21:09

His wants don't trump the OP's either

They do though don't they?

He has the right to say no, as sad as that is for the OP

MumW · 20/01/2019 22:23

He has the right to say no, as sad as that is for the OP
And she has the right to be upset and want to explore what changed and whether she can live with his decision.
They really have to talk and they both need to be honest about how they feel.

It's too expensive wouldn't cut it for me. It wasn't too expensive before DC2 was concieved. "I can't bear to go through another loss" would certainly be a valid and understandable reason. Talking is a must maybe with the help of a counsellor.

If OP continues with her marriage then she will need her DH's support and understanding to grieve both the loss of a baby and the loss of the 2nd child she wants and believed he wanted too.

Namenic · 20/01/2019 22:38

Tell him that you think you might end up resenting him (of course you have to be aware that he might end up resenting dc2 and you too..). Maybe couples counselling may help? Tell him what you feel and listen to his side.

Joboy · 20/01/2019 22:39

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor . You both need to process your grief. And your DH need to realise how much he has hurt . And you need to understand why he hurt you so much .

Ragwort · 20/01/2019 22:48

It’s a very difficult situation (for both of you), my DH would have loved a second child, I never, ever wanted another, it wasn’t a financial issue but more the emotional energy needed to care and raise another child. In our case I could use my age as a factor (although to be honest I had conceived very easily in my early 40s). I just said there was no way I would consider it. I guess DH could have left me and found someone else if having a large family was that important to him but he didn’t & he has a great relationship with our now teenage DS.
From the child’s point of view surely it is essential that both parents really want another child? You can’t persuade someone (well you can, but it’s really not a good idea).

Original poster

moretractorsplease · 21/01/2019 06:09

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It has been useful to have different perspectives and given me more to reflect on. We do need to have more discussions. Communication definitely isn't our strong point.
Thanks for everyone's kindness too.

OP posts:

Pk37 · 21/01/2019 07:30

You have every right to be upset but not to use emotional blackmail of “how unfair it is on DC to not have a sibling” it’s not unfair on him at all , he knows no difference

Outnotdown · 21/01/2019 07:37

That's a very tough situation, I would consider couples counseling to talk it through, especially if communication is not your strong point. It might help to resolve any resentment so you don't have to carry it through the rest of your marriage

PinkGin24 · 21/01/2019 07:40

YABU. He is allowed to change his mind. Also it definitely isn't 'unfair' for your first child not to have a sibling!? Do you think there is something wrong with being an only child?

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