I know I’m being selfish and I know I am being unreasonable but is it ok to be feeling a little hurt about nan offering cousin money.

[Lonelyheart2020]

🙈 name changef.
So back ground

• my daughter has been in hospital in and out for 5 years longest admission was 20 months without going home once !

She has had mutiple surgeries ( over 20 ) 7 bouts of sepsis, is attached to a iv line for 12-16 hours a day we have lost her nearly more times than I can count. No one has ever really bothered with her tbh have had very little help. Anyway last year we got hit by a huge financial crisis ( really long story ) my friend set up a fundraiser and not one memeber if family offered to help. In fact I got trolled by others over it being quite cruel about me and daughter ( this wasn’t family ) Anyway so my cousin who lives across the world son was diagnosed with a tumour about 3 years ago, he is doing well now and he has had chemo so absolutely deserves to be treated. He is now no evidence disease and finished treatment a while ago. As a celebration they are raising money for a specific holiday ( again absolutely deserved ) But what shocked me was my aunt ringing me to ask me if I had her direct number as her and our nan would like to give them the money for the holiday. Apart of me broke down Last year I could barely afford to keep daughter at home safwwith the flat and gas etc we haven’t been on holiday in 5 years but not once have any of them despite me making it clear that we were seriously in need at the time. So yes I know I’m being unreasonable, I know no one has to help me but I just felt a little like wtf ! Which probably makes me a awful person.

I actually don't think YABU

I really hope it gets better for you

It’s totally reasonable to be hurt. It’s made you feel that you and your child are low on the family totem pole.

Oh love. You’re not unreasonable. Their actions are cruel and upsetting. As if you don’t have enough to worry about with your daughter being unwell, you have also had finances stresses and arsehole relatives.

YANBU, and your Aunt sounds either spiteful or plain thick to be going out of her way to advertise it to you.

Not unreasonable at all, how cruel and thoughtless of them.

That’s such odd behaviour by your family. Is there a longer history of not getting on?

YANBU to feel hurt but try to forget about it and just focus on the stuff that matters. I wish your daughter well and better health ahead.

See I don’t think she was intentionally advertising it to me.
She tend to ring me a lot when she can’t find an address etc for someone 😂she is a little ditzy !
I know she wouldn’t of phone me out of spite - but I’m still hurt that the 2 of them never thought that my daughter was worth any help.
I obviously don’t want my cousin not to get anything and I’m kinda used to my daughters illness being what do you call it belittled compared to others.
I just literally felt like crying in the spot

Ouch. YANBU.

No yanbu. It must be very painful to know this. Why are some people so horrible?

Maybe she's not viewing it the same as you. Maybe she's celebrating all is well. Some people don't cope well with relatives being ill or in hospital, doesn't mean they don't care but it can trigger many feelings and anxiety.

Erm nooo not really any fights or disputes none of us are overly close though ( its my dads side ) I didn’t live with him.
I speak to them on the phone - if they need to ask something or at family weddings / funerals.
Cousin moved away to another country with her mum ( her dad is my uncle ) must be over 15 years ago.

Oh actually saying that my nan never likes my mum 😂

Why don’t you tell her you are hurt? That it was thoughtless to ask you when you were/are in such difficulties and no one helped out...

You can preface that you are not asking for money if you think she might think that.

Why don’t you tell her you are hurt? That it was thoughtless to ask you when you were/are in such difficulties and no one helped out...

You can preface that you are not asking for money if you think she might think that.

Or is there someone else who could have a word? The last thing you want to hear about is cousin’s holiday so perhaps they ought to be gently told that it was thoughtless and actually rather cruel.

I mean financially we are ok ( as in the government decided to admit my daughter was indeed disabled ) and reinstated our money but still have a huge back lock etc
At the time it was a really horrible time
I guess maybe they didn’t realise the extent ?

Maybe your nan didn't realise you had financial issues.

Perhaps you are better telling your mum (I assume it's your mum's side), and letting her mention to her mum.

No it’s my estranged dads side.
They knew well they know were not exactly well off anyway
As I had to give up everything.
I know I’m probably just over sensitive just needed to rant.
I’m ok and I am managing.
I think it’s a sensitive because I often struggle with support and help in the community because the lack of knowledge in daughters condition that it felt at the time that it has even extended to family.

I would be so hurt and upset with nan. It shows a lack of care or love tbh. Oh s it nan on your mum or dad side. I would be telling my parents how hurt I am.

Didn't want to read & run but wanted you to know that you're absolutely not selfish or unreasonable. You are in fact reasonable to feel hurt & are an incredibly strong person. to you & your daughter. Wishing you both all the best for the future.

I'd have found it very hard not bring it all up on the phone and ask outright why they didn't offer to help me. You're not being grabby; what they've done is so not how family should behave.

Not unreasonable at all.
You can't give to one and not to be the other and not expect jealously and resentment.
Your family sound as useful as chocolate tea pot in a desert to be perfectly honest

Oh maybe it is because your nan does not like your mum! It is hurtful.

Tbf I agree my family are genuinely about as useful as a chocolate tea pot, they visited daughters in hospital when she was born.
Not since ( have seen her at family event maybe 3-4 times ) ask how she is on the phone every so often.
Tbh we just spent 2 and half weeks in hospital and didn’t have one visit from anyone.

There's a difference between being grabby and expecting money and being upset by the message someone sends by not giving money. They wouldn't help you survive in extreme circumstances, they will help someone similarly connected in less serious circumstances. It's OK to be hurt by that. It's even OK to say you don't want a relationship where you are treated like that.

Lower your expectations of them, even ipdistance yourself to help you mentally.