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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I blaming myself for this?

32 replies

NameChange121 · 20/01/2019 17:10

Last night me and my DP got home after a few hours of drinking. An argument started over something minuscule and it got heated, mainly by me not letting it go. My partner then pushed me and my head whacked on the floor, I don’t know if this was intentional. He then put his hands round my neck. I called 999 and gave details as I was scared, then tried to backtrack as I didn’t want him to get arrested. They came out regardless and because he has admitted it they’ve charged him with an assault and he’s to appear in court tomorrow.

I blame myself for not letting it go and screaming far too much, am I being naive? I know it should never resort to physical violence however I feel I was just prodding the fire. Nothing similar in past occasions.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 20/01/2019 17:13

The fact he put his hands around your throat is a massive red flag. I couldn’t trust someone after that.
Never anything slightly off ever? That’s an extreme escalation. Or has he always made any past transgressions your fault as you push him. No matter what your behaviour a decent human being doesn’t shove and throttle you.
Knock the drinking on the head. That’s for sure.

DustyMcDustbuster · 20/01/2019 17:14

You are NOT in any way to blame!!!!! I’m not going to say more, just know that.

Original poster

NameChange121 · 20/01/2019 17:31

We do argue however it’s never went this far, usually just go to bed and deal with it in the morning. I’m at my wits end with worry we’re moving in a month to a house we’ve both bought.

The drinking will stop for sure, it turns me into a horrible person.

OP posts:

sackrifice · 20/01/2019 17:43

*I’m at my wits end with worry we’re moving in a month to a house we’ve both bought.8

You are still moving into a house with a man that tried to strangle you?

Are you out of your mind?

Singlenotsingle · 20/01/2019 17:44

Hopefully he'll learn his lesson!

Boysandbuses · 20/01/2019 17:46

It's never your fault if he puts his hands on you.

However you both sound like you have problems and can't handle your drink.

You shouldn't be moving in together.

Original poster

NameChange121 · 20/01/2019 17:47

No sorry poorly worded, I’m worried because that was the plan. We ordered the kitchen yesterday. Then this has happened, we currently rent and have notified the landlord of our leaving date. I’m just worried about everything atm.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 20/01/2019 17:48

I'm sorry OP but hands around the throat is the point your relationship is over. I didn't get rid at that point, it took him trying to throw me over a bannister from upstairs onto a staircase before I left.

Your relationship is a joke and it's time to part ways. You don't work together.

SmileEachDay · 20/01/2019 17:48

Hopefully he'll learn his lesson!

Or he won’t. Strangulation is high up on the list of “things that happened before the woman ended up dead”

Leave him. Really.

Soubriquet · 20/01/2019 17:48

Did you tell him to knock you over and strangle you?

Did you tell him to have a big argument?

No.

He is totally to blame for his violence. Me and my dh have occasionally argued yet he had never lifted a hand to me. Nor should he

Hwory · 20/01/2019 17:49

You’re insane if you forgive him.

Statistically you are 10 times more likely to be killed by him as he’s strangled you.

He had shown you that he cannot control his temper and will resort to extremely violet behaviour.

If you have children with him or choose to have children with him you will be investigated by SS as you will be see to lack the ability to properly safeguard your children against abusers.

DCITennison · 20/01/2019 17:50

You are responsible for how you behaved.
He is responsible for how he behaved.
The difference is, what he did was criminal and he deserves whatever consequences come his way.
No, you are not to blame for the choices he makes, he could have chosen to walk away.
It all sounds unpleasant and he may not have physically hurt you before but there’s always a first time. The sensible, sane thing now would be to end the relationship.

Thesearmsofmine · 20/01/2019 17:50

You poor thing. Get out now please.

Giraffey1 · 20/01/2019 17:53

Lots of couples have rows, say stuff they don’t mean, shout, slam doors.
They don’t generally push one another, and they definitely don’t put their hands around their partner’s neck.
I could not stay with someone who did this. You need to get out of this dodgy relationship.

Wolfiefan · 20/01/2019 17:53

Sounds like you have minimised past fights.
This is unhealthy OP. And i agree with Hwory.

Chickenwings85 · 20/01/2019 17:54

No way is any of that your fault!! He had a choice to not do that but he chose to strangle you.
Do not drop any charges against him and leave him. He will do this again and next time it could be worse.

Pachyderm1 · 20/01/2019 17:59

Op you are not to blame. He is dealing with the consequences of his own actions specifically. He did this - not you. Everything now happening to him is a direct consequence of his actions only.

Burnt0range · 20/01/2019 18:02

Wow!

He assaulted you!

If you was "prodding the fire" he has a choice. Assault his partner or leave to calm down. He chose the former. He didn't have to, nor should he have done. The assault then brings consequences.

While he is at the police station, or where ever he is, I would be packing his bags for him. Stop worrying about you moving - this needs attention now.

How dare he put his hands on you like that, OP. It is abuse. It makes me wonder how much more he has done to you, if not physically but emotionally. The reason I say this is because you seem to somehow think that you deserved it because you kept "prodding" the fire. It doesn't work like that. He has a decision to make when in the midst of an argument. Alcohol doesn't ever excuse abuse.

You did the right thing in phoning the police.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/01/2019 18:26

Ask the solicitor whether you can pull out of the purchase. Could either of you afford to go through with it alone?

CupoBlood · 20/01/2019 18:45

Op can you provide me with a list of things I must never say in an argument otherwise I'll get strangled?

Poshjock · 20/01/2019 20:13

It's abominable that he physically assulted you by pushing you over and you hurt yourself and even after he did that, instead of realising he'd crossed the line and pulling back in horror - he went in for more.

What's worrying though, is that you are now looking for reasons within your behaviour to explain and excuse his violence toward you. What have you seen or been exposed to in your life that has led you to think that provocation is a reason for violence?

You have done nothing wrong. Contacting the police was absolutely the correct course of action. Everyone here is telling you this. Believe it.

Chickenwings85 · 20/01/2019 23:54

I've been in your situation OP and please believe me when I say that it doesn't get better - it get a worse. Please feel free to send me a private message if you want someone to chat to.

Bambamber · 20/01/2019 23:59

He could have, and should have walked away. No matter what you did, he is still responsible for his actions.

He could have literally killed you

KellyW88 · 21/01/2019 03:24

Me and DP have had some belters when it came to arguing when we were younger and he NEVER raised a hand to me, nor I to him. This is not your fault OP. Get out and away as soon as you safely can, please.

Fusioluxe · 21/01/2019 03:27

Where is he now OP?

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