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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should just leave friend alone?

36 replies

AliceRR · 20/01/2019 11:59

I only raise this as DH and I were debating it this morning. I have a friend I’ve known since primary school. She’s my oldest friend but we haven’t been close constantly since that time. We’ve been friends mostly since we left school apart from a period about 5 or more years ago where we both got annoyed about something silly and didn’t speak for over a year (I think) and we started talking again when I texted her to ask if she wanted to catch up. We have periods where we are more or less close. Early last year we were spending a fair amount of time together. Not every week or anything but we’d meet up for lunches or dinner, with or without our partners, and then she went quiet around April time.

After that I felt like I had to send a couple of texts to get a reply IYKWIM. I’d text and not get a reply. I’d text again and then I might get a reply. We had plans to meet up for dinner at one point that they cancelled (there was a reason and generally she doesn’t just break plans) but then we didn’t rearrange.

I even sent her texts like “is everything ok?” Or a “where are you?” Meme when I wasn’t getting replies.

I am 37 weeks pregnant and told her that by text but even that was weird as I hadn’t wanted to text her out of the blue when she hadn’t texted me for ages but I thought it would be more weird if I didn’t tell her.

She did mention she’d been ill around Aug / Sept time and that she was then going on holiday and would be in touch.

She was also moving house, and we were also in the middle of trying to buy and sell, so there were some texts about that but it seemed like I had to send a few texts for every one and it felt like I was chasing her.

My last text was in November (I just checked) but I didn’t get a reply. I didn’t send her a Christmas card as I didn’t know whether she was still at the same address.

I thought of her today as I thought it might be her birthday. It’s not (it’s one of two dates and I always second guess myself).

DH thinks I should make an effort. Friendships take effort etc. I agree they do. But I really do feel like all the effort has come from me. I haven’t tried to call her but I’ve sent many texts (we usually text rather than call) in the last ten months probably sending 2 or three each time to get a reply. I have asked if she wants to meet up. I have asked if everything’s ok. I don’t want to chase her if she’s showing me she’s not interested.

I’d like to stay friends but I’m ok with just waiting for her to come to me as well. I don’t want to feel like I’m chasing someone who clearly isn’t interested.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 20/01/2019 12:02

I'd leave it. She clearly isn't interested if it takes 2-3 texts from you to warrant a response from her. She's probably moved on with other friends so I suggest you concentrate more on the friends you see and hear from regularly.

RangeRider · 20/01/2019 12:05

I'd leave it. At best send one text. But sending repeated texts when someone doesn't reply either means they're too busy / stressed / ill (and then prob won't appreciate the repeated contact) or are trying to give you a hint. I'd say that she is showing you she's not interested but you're not accepting it. Take a step back and then if the friendship is meant to be she'll get in touch with you at some point.

dudsville · 20/01/2019 12:07

It's your call. If you make the relationship happen and you're happy to do that then that's fine. If you'd rather there was equal drive or no friendship at all that's ok too.

I had a friendship i drove. We were good friends. I decided for me that friendships should be more about each other's lives than concerns over the actual relationship so i did back away on the end.

TulipsInbloom1 · 20/01/2019 12:09

You've made enough of an effort. I had to do this with an old friend. Always me. Always delayed or no response. It's been 15 months. I'm glad if anything. It's easier.

Original poster
AliceRR · 20/01/2019 12:10

I completely agree. I have accepted it. It was DH saying I should make “more effort” that annoyed me because I feel I have made effort and I’ve messaged her when she couldn’t even be bothered to reply to my messages without prompting. I’m happy to leave it.

I don’t want a friendship where I’m always the one chasing. If she contacts me then here and I’d speak to her. She must know I have a baby due soon so maybe she’ll contact me at some point to ask how we are, which is fine. If she doesn’t, that’s also fine, but I don’t think I’m wrong to not keep chasing her 🤔

OP posts:
ProfessorCustard · 20/01/2019 12:18

What do you actually text her? I confess that I'm like your friend and it just doesn't occur to me to really get in touch with friends as much. I tend to get in touch when I want to meet up.

When I get messages asking "how are you?" I find them really hard work and sometimes think I'll reply later and don't get round to it. I feel those messages are a little lazy, if I'm honest! If someone tells me what they've been up to and then asks about me it gives me much more to go on as I can talk about their stuff too. If I haven't spoken to someone for 6 months, I find it a nightmare to reply to "how are you?"

Maybe you could try having less contact and just messaging to meet up?

whymewhyme · 20/01/2019 12:23

I'd txt "happy birthday" if you don't get a reply then let her crack on with her life.

Original poster
AliceRR · 20/01/2019 12:26

I’ve texted her about her move, our move, when I was about 5 months pregnant, I’ve asked if she wants to meet up

It’s her birthday next month (I had to check as I often have to double check whether it’s Jan or Feb)

OP posts:
justilou1 · 20/01/2019 12:28

Did she text you for your bday?

Original poster
AliceRR · 20/01/2019 12:36

Well my birthday is in March and last year she and her partner came out with me and a few other friends. It was a bit after that time that she sort of became a bit more distant.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 20/01/2019 12:37

I haven’t had a merry Christmas or happy new year text though and I haven’t sent one. I would have sent her a Christmas card if I’d known she was at the same address. She could say she doesn’t know if we’ve moved too as she knows we’re moving but then I don’t think I’ve shown I won’t replh to a text 🤔

OP posts:
user1486915549 · 20/01/2019 12:37

I think you should stop hassling her.
She’s moved on.

Missingstreetlife · 20/01/2019 12:38

Can't you phone her? So easy to ignore a text, maybe there is something going on you don't know about. If that doesn't work you have a choice of just moving on, or sending a card suggesting a time and place to meet, saying the ball is in her court.
So hard when things fall apart, it's never really the same. I lost a friend like this and then she died, it was quite upsetting, I felt I should have had a proper ending.

Missingstreetlife · 20/01/2019 12:42

Sorry a card is no good if she moved, email maybe?

TheProvincialLady · 20/01/2019 12:43

Why don’t you send her one last ‘thanks for all the years of friendship, they were great but now we’ve moved on and so it’s goodbye and best wishes for a lovely future’ type message? I think that’s what I would do. And in the unlikely event that there was a reply to that, I would ignore and not get involved in any other conversation. That would give you a dignified closure. Provided you genuinely feel that way, of course.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/01/2019 12:45

You’ve contacted her enough tbh. If you do want to text just send a very simple happy birthday. Although tbh you’ll very likely give birth before then. So you may feel differently.

You say she became distant. Was that after you told her you were ttc for example? Just wondering if she has issues around this eg fertility.

CandleConcerto · 20/01/2019 12:47

Have we had this before? Did you post when you wanted to see her face to face to announce pregnancy? Is she TTC?

Nellabella · 20/01/2019 12:47

Has she got DC? Is your being pregnant an issue for her-is he TTC?

TulipsInbloom1 · 20/01/2019 12:48

Your dh shouldn't try and interfere in how you manage your friendships.

Zoeputthatdown · 20/01/2019 12:48

I would step back now.

explodingkitten · 20/01/2019 12:49

it doesn't have to mean anything though. I tend to ghost one of my friends for months at a time. I like her, I do, but she always texts me at the wrong momemt, like when I was dealing with ivf so I didn't always have it in me to listen to her stories about her kids. I told her about the ivf and after that she kept asking questions, which I don't want to answer because it hurts me and I need to deal with bad news myself first. And she tends to text late at night when her kids are in bed, but I like an early bedtime! I try calling her during the day when it fits me but then she has 3 kids so can't really talk.

We like each other but our lives clash at the moment I guess. We don't live close so only meet up once or twice a year. Always great fun.

Ethel36 · 20/01/2019 12:50

Text her now and ask when is she free to meet up. If she doesn't reply or cancels, just stop texting.

llangennith · 20/01/2019 12:58

Leave it for now. Stop mentioning anything to do with her to your DH. He's probably trying (in a very clumsy way) to fix things by telling you to make more effort. If you don't talk about it he won't comment.

Juells · 20/01/2019 13:01

You've done enough running. I had a few friends like this over the years, where I was doing all the running. It's a relief once you realise you don't have to, and the sky doesn't fall in when you stop putting yourself out.

daisypond · 20/01/2019 13:03

Why not phone or email instead of text? I finding texting really difficult and I certainly would never have a conversation via text. Or just suggest a date to meet up.