To think I should just leave friend alone?

[AliceRR]

I only raise this as DH and I were debating it this morning. I have a friend I’ve known since primary school. She’s my oldest friend but we haven’t been close constantly since that time. We’ve been friends mostly since we left school apart from a period about 5 or more years ago where we both got annoyed about something silly and didn’t speak for over a year (I think) and we started talking again when I texted her to ask if she wanted to catch up. We have periods where we are more or less close. Early last year we were spending a fair amount of time together. Not every week or anything but we’d meet up for lunches or dinner, with or without our partners, and then she went quiet around April time.

After that I felt like I had to send a couple of texts to get a reply IYKWIM. I’d text and not get a reply. I’d text again and then I might get a reply. We had plans to meet up for dinner at one point that they cancelled (there was a reason and generally she doesn’t just break plans) but then we didn’t rearrange.

I even sent her texts like “is everything ok?” Or a “where are you?” Meme when I wasn’t getting replies.

I am 37 weeks pregnant and told her that by text but even that was weird as I hadn’t wanted to text her out of the blue when she hadn’t texted me for ages but I thought it would be more weird if I didn’t tell her.

She did mention she’d been ill around Aug / Sept time and that she was then going on holiday and would be in touch.

She was also moving house, and we were also in the middle of trying to buy and sell, so there were some texts about that but it seemed like I had to send a few texts for every one and it felt like I was chasing her.

My last text was in November (I just checked) but I didn’t get a reply. I didn’t send her a Christmas card as I didn’t know whether she was still at the same address.

I thought of her today as I thought it might be her birthday. It’s not (it’s one of two dates and I always second guess myself).

DH thinks I should make an effort. Friendships take effort etc. I agree they do. But I really do feel like all the effort has come from me. I haven’t tried to call her but I’ve sent many texts (we usually text rather than call) in the last ten months probably sending 2 or three each time to get a reply. I have asked if she wants to meet up. I have asked if everything’s ok. I don’t want to chase her if she’s showing me she’s not interested.

I’d like to stay friends but I’m ok with just waiting for her to come to me as well. I don’t want to feel like I’m chasing someone who clearly isn’t interested.

WWYD?

Yes i did post about four months ago when I wanted to tell her I’m pregnant but felt weird as she hadn’t replied to my last texts

I then did text her to tell her and she was v nice about it, even saying to let her know ow if I wanted any advice as he Mum is a nurse. But then went back to the same thing.

I take on board it could be a fertility issue and also said that to DH. He had said all the more reason to contact her. I said all the more reason not to. If that is something she’s uncomfortable with then I don’t want to rub it in her face.

For whatever reason she’s keeping her distance and I don’t think pushing things is helpful

Yes DH should keep out of it as it’s up to me how I manage my friendships! And we are all different. He is probably the one to make most effort in his friendships to be fair

She’s almost certainly struggling to conceive. This might be the end for you guys. Sorry.

I would leave it for now. It does sound like both of you have had a lot on, so it may not be that she is deliberately ignoring you, but that she isn't in the best place to answer right now.

Either she will get in touch one day - or she won't. I would leave the ball very firmly in her court.

It does sound as if she has deliberately taken a step back I think. When I was TTC and getting pretty hysterical about it, my friend sent me a text to say she was expecting. I found it really hard. She had every right to do that but I still felt that for my own mental health, I couldn't watch someone go through a pregnancy when I was panicking I would never have my own baby. I probably could have handled it better but I was very low. We are friends again now. I've learned that it's okay for friendships to have an ebb and flow, especially long standing ones. We're here for a long time (hopefully) and you don't know what friendships you will value this time next year. People going through the new baby stage could become far more important for a while.

I'm slightly bemused by all this texting. Texts should be for little unimportant messages, not communication. If you had phoned he you would straight away have known if she was backing off. Just phone her an know once and for all

Leave her to it.

If she values your friendship, knowing you are near the end of your pregnancy surely she will be in touch at some point?

And if she doesn't then concentrate on the friends who actually make an effort with you as it sounds like it's always you contacting her.

I think for whatever reason you need to leave it and move on.
It looks like shes not interested in staying friends for whatever reason. if she was then she would have made more of an effort.
Tell your husband you are leaving it, its not dignified to be chasing after someone. I'd tell him as well to stop mentioning it.

Thanks all. Helpful and I agree with just about everything said

She might be TTC, or she might just be very busy, November wasn't long ago. Friends don't have to be talking every day, I have one friends i might not speak to for over a year at a time as we're both busy, but we still get on brilliantly when we do get around to catching up. You don't need to be making decisions and being all black and white, it isn't the type of relationship where you can only have one. Maybe just leave it a couple of months and then give her a call, once you have the baby you'll be busy with the baby and getting to know new mum friends for a while anyway.

I struggle to respond to messages when I am in a very bad place mentally: I don't even have my mobile on for months at a time. As a result, I only have two friends left - the two people who didn't - and don't - give up on me: even a text every six months, just saying "I miss you, I'm thinking of you, I'm here" was enough that I felt I could pick up the pieces.

I have severe - sectioning severe - MH problems, but neither of those knew that the first time I disappeared. I dislike the MN "it must be depression" as a response for everything, but actually, this time it really might, and if it is the first time, you might not have known already.

Based on my personal experience, I'd send the odd text every few months, just to keep the door ajar.

November wasn’t long ago but I was clutching at straws up to that point. If I look back st the message history I can see some messages just didn’t get a response.

I did ask if everything was ok. But I do appreciate she might have things going on that she doesn’t want t talk about.

As you say I have other stuff going on so I’m not waiting around for her. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I appreciate she might not be in the same place. It’s just because for a second I had to think “is it her birthday today?”

I’m not closing the door. I suppose if I feel like texting when it is her birthday (in a month’s time) then I will. I’m not annoyed with her but I also don’t feel like going out of my way when I have friends who are around.

The thing with the texting is every one and every friendship is different. Ours is one where we tend to text and then arrange to meet up. We don’t talk on the phone very often and that’s the case with a lot of my friends.