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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Abuse? But can't leave

27 replies

Chazzzz · 20/01/2019 04:26

I'm really hoping for some constructive advice because I'm not sure where to turn.
My husband and I have been together 4.5 years ..married for 2.
His first anger burst came out of the blue a few months after moving in together.
The result was him picking me up by my neck and throwing me.
Since then (and I still married him...my bad!) There have been several similar incidents.
A week ago I was being sick (I had a bug) and missed the toilet. Resulting in him screaming at me and grabbing my throat.
He then smashed and broke a door.
Tonight we went out and we had a few drinks .. I said something he didn't like and he threw his drink over me.
So. . Why do I stay?
I do love him.
But I don't feel I have a choice anyway.
Because ... I have cancer.
I was dx at 34.. came back a few years later. .double mastectomy etc and hard years ahead with recon and trying to get on with life.
This was 10 years ago.. before I met him.
I was straight from the off.. told him all. That it might come back and might not be cureable.
After numerous tests, I was told on Monday it had spread to my bones.
He came with me ..fair play .. but I haven't seen much of him (he has 2 children .. 18 and 19 that live here half the week and he dotes on them when they are here) since that day or even talked about it much.
I start chemo tablets in a couple of days along with other side effect from other drugs.. I'm not going to be well.
I'm very fortunate that I work from home.
But I'm self employed. So I've not taken time off other than for tests etc, so far.
OH has been having counseling for his anger which is a monthly phone call.
Although clearly...it isn't helping much.
My family live all over the country.
This is very much a behind closed doors issue.
I'm trying to figure out how to live in the few years I have left.
Leaving is absolutely not an option for many reasons .. but more importantly I will need someone to care for me at some point. And I do love him. That's the reality and he's all I have.
I'm hoping noone else is in this situation.. but any advice how to get through this .. would be appreciated. My head is spinning and I do want to live as best I can.
Thank you

OP posts:

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 20/01/2019 04:46

Oh lovely, you deserve better!
It's all very well saying that you will need care at some point, but whether that is soon or in fifty years time, it doesn't sound like it will be him that does the caring.
You may only have a relatively short time left, but you can still be happy, and safe from abuse for however long you have!
He doesn't love you, he possesses you!
Even if you end up moving somewhere else, be it near a family member or friend, or just away from him, there are people who will help you, Marie Curie, Women's Aid, your GP, local library, or council information even.
You don't have to stay with him.
However long you have, that's all there is, don't stay there to be a punch bag, you are worth more!

user1473878824 · 20/01/2019 04:48

Oh mate. Honestly: leave. Just leave. You have nothing to gain by being with someone physically abusive. Pack your stuff and go.

Original poster

Chazzzz · 20/01/2019 04:59

Thank you so much for responding.
However.. I can't leave.
I have quite a few animals .. ok a lot! .. that I love dearly and they are my best medicine.
I won't leave without them. X

OP posts:

NoFucksImAQueen · 20/01/2019 05:42

oh this has made me feel sick to the stomach just to read let alone what you must feel living it. you were poorly and being sick and he grabbed you by the throat! you really must leave. if he's like that over a temporary bug do you think he'll be any nicer when it's weakness from your cancer? you deserve so much better

user1539506092 · 20/01/2019 06:09

I feel so bad for you OP but I doubt he'll be there as a carer in the way he should be

Apple103 · 20/01/2019 07:04

My heart breaks for you.

1ndig0 · 20/01/2019 07:49

OP,I think you have to call the police and tell them everything that’s happened. That he’s seriously physically assaulted you several times. That you have s diagnosis and feel unsafe in your own home. They’ll remove him from the house, surely, in the circumstances. They can put in other forms of home support for you. Have you told your family?

TulipsInbloom1 · 20/01/2019 07:57

Do you honestly believe that this man will care for you at your weakest? That at your most vulnerable he will be the one to give the most support/love/unlimited energy?

I honestly think that if you have a good relationship with your parents, or siblings, that yo7 should go to them.

This man does not have your back.

pandechocolate · 20/01/2019 07:57

OP, call the police, take your animals (or find temporary foster homes) and get the hell out of there. X

CatnissEverdene · 20/01/2019 08:07

No such thing as can't, OP, it's won't.

Chances are if he's grabbing you by the throat, he will kill you before the cancer does. It's the biggest red flag he could wave at you in terms of DV. I'm sorry to be blunt, but this is your reality.

Is that really all you see yourself as worth? Life is for living, not hiding scared in the shadows, however long that life is. But only you can make that change

ameliameerkat · 20/01/2019 08:19

You don't want him caring for you - he's not going to care for you, he's going to kill you!! Seriously, one incident with vomit and he's violent towards you. I'm guessing side effects could be worse/more frequent than one throwing up incident. How well do you think his anger and frustration are going to do with that?!

You need to make a plan, and get away from this man/get him away from you.

Pk37 · 20/01/2019 08:23

You must know that by posting on here that no body is going to give you advice on how to stay in this relationship.
He’s a disgusting, vile, human being and there is no way he will look after you when you are at your weakest and you know it.
Please find your animals a new home / temp home and go and stay with your parents , you deserve more ,lovely and he deserves prison time

Upupupwithafish · 20/01/2019 08:46

I just wanted to say that you may find that, if you are on oral chemo, the side effects may be minimal. I’ve been taking them for about five months and have no significant side effects. That may not be everyone’s experience but I think it will be significantly less than IV chemo which I have also had.

I know exactly how vulnerable you must feel fortunately I have a wonderful DH although he has his own health issues which means I also worry about how I would manage without him. I always plan for the worst and hope for the best. You have to ask yourself if you think he will be there for you when you need him, it doesn’t sound like he would be. If not start thinking about what support you can put in place. Does he love your animals as much as you do? Will he look after them if you can’t? Talk to your McMillan nurse or Maggie centre (sorry, I am assuming you are in the UK) and be honest with them, it will all be confidential. Can you confide in your family? Start looking at what options you have to leave, you really have to go, you deserve more than this. X

Lalliella · 20/01/2019 08:56

So sorry to hear this OP. You need some specialist help. Talk to your doctor, tell them everything and see what they suggest. Agree with other PPs that your husband is not the one to care for you. for you

Pachyderm1 · 20/01/2019 08:57

OP he will never change and nothing you can do will make it better. I don’t want to lie to you - that is the reality. The way he is now is the way he will be for the rest of your life.

You say you can’t leave and I appreciate that your circumstances are incredibly hard. But before you actually truly make that decision, you have to face up to who he really is and the fact that he will always be this way. If you have any other option - even if it’s hard, or awkward, or uncertain - it would be better than him.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

NotANotMan · 20/01/2019 08:59

Oh love
Any family or good friends who would rally round and care for you in shifts? Macmillan nurses or carers?

placebobebo · 20/01/2019 08:59

Do you think when you can no longer care for your animals he will? He's more likely to treat them as he is treating you, or worse.
Get both them and yourself safe. He is not your only option.

RedHelenB · 20/01/2019 09:00

How is he going to treat you when you get iller? Yoy csn and should leavr, contact cancer charities/ women's and and discuss options.

Girlsnightin · 20/01/2019 09:03

Echoing others, this man will not be the carer you need, you would truly be better off alone but supported than at the mercy of this man.
Do you have a Macmillan nurse you can confide with? This won't be the first time they have come across this situation.
You need to put yourself first sweetheart. Even if it means your animal find new homes so you can rent somewhere new.

aquashiv · 20/01/2019 09:03

Phone the police for advice now.
They will tell you what you should do.

Original poster

Chazzzz · 20/01/2019 09:15

Thank you all for taking time to respond.
And I'm sorry to hear Upupupwithafish that you are dealing with this *£&# too.
It's hard.
I haven't told anyone. My family are scattered wide and far and we are not "close".

I've got a lot to get my head around ... It's very early days since the diagnosis which has rocked me to the core

OP posts:

toddlepod · 20/01/2019 09:23

Lots of hard but excellent advice. I agree with getting the police involved and getting various agencies in to help with support services and resources.

He doesn't sound like he'll be any kind of carer to you when you're really ill. He attacked you and smashed a door because you got sick over the floor?

Tough love, I'm afraid. Cut him our of your life. He's not giving you any kind of support. Imagine being totally dependent on him a few years down the line and he can't be bothered to be there or worse and abuses you?

The practicalities of the situation dictate that you start making provision for your care now. Thinking he'll be that carer is, from what you say, is not going to happen.

You sound isolated? Do you have any close friends? Make contact with your family and let them know your circumstances. I'm sure some of them, if not all, will rally. You will find a wonderful community of support via MacMillan and other agencies. You won't be alone.

I hope you have many, many years left, please don't let him take away the chance for peace and happiness in the time you have left.

Sending you hugs x x x

artisanscotcheggs · 20/01/2019 09:59

Bambamber · 20/01/2019 10:02

He won't care for you, he will end up killing you

TulipsInbloom1 · 20/01/2019 10:14

OP this may sound blunt but it won't be the cancer that kills you. Or old age.

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