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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end it all after one lie...

74 replies

MrsAckles1991 · 19/01/2019 23:11

My boyfriend of 16 months has lied to me, over something small in the grand scheme of life, but still a lie and involving money...

Because of pretty shitty circumstances in my fairly recent past, I have told him from day one that I can deal with a lot, as long as he is honest with me.

To be clear, he got “found out” - He did not volunteer the truth and when asked why he lied, I get “I don’t know”. No explanation, no genuine apology - Just a lot of sulking and shrugging and feeling sorry for himself.

It was only 16 months, I know it wasn’t long, but he meant everything to me.

I have done right, haven’t I?

OP posts:

AwakeNow · 20/01/2019 00:24

That is not a small lie, it is huge. He is very deceitful, and if he really wanted to have a future with you he would be saving up instead of lie ing about it.
Making a fool of you!

Italiangreyhound · 20/01/2019 00:24

Wise move ending it.

Magenta46 · 20/01/2019 00:27

You hardly know the man. He's hardly invested in you now is he? Why are you clutching at straws? Do you think time is running out to meet a partner? He sounds very ungrounded and flighty. Is that the kind of man you want to commit your life too?

MrsCBY · 20/01/2019 00:28

he’s always told me I can trust him

And you believed him? The ONLY people who ever tell you this are the ones you can’t trust!

The ones you can trust never tell you, they just prove it with the way they behave and treat you.

This is a massive lie and he sounds like a total waster. You’re well rid. Celebrate your lucky escape!

MissLadyM · 20/01/2019 00:31

Sounds like a waster
It's odd not to see him more often. I suspect he's getting twatted on the nights you don't see him. Weed is horrible. It turns people who smoke a lot into apathetic zombies

HalloumiGus · 20/01/2019 00:34

Good choice OP. Keep walking and don't look back.

mystar · 20/01/2019 00:36

Me and my husband have been together for 16 years. Pay joint for bills and I do savings; just cos I am sensible.

I suspect he spends some of his money on gear but I’ve known he always has. I spend an extortionate amount on bags and clothes so in my mind it equals it out.

It all depends on what you’ve agreed to share and your expectations moving forward

ScrumptiousBears · 20/01/2019 00:42

I agree you did the right thing. What a waist of 16 months. Lying twat.

FoxFoxSierra · 20/01/2019 00:45

This will be the tip of the iceberg. Run fast

Original poster

MrsAckles1991 · 20/01/2019 11:37

Thank you for your replies.

I know 16 months is no time at all, but he’s been there through a lot, including me losing a parent in tragic circumstances and suffering a breakdown 9 months ago.

I thought this had brought us closer and proved he was the one.

I’ve lost more than him and I’ve survived, I guess I’ll be fine.

Thanks all

OP posts:

TheBigBangRocks · 20/01/2019 11:43

Yes it's the right thing but will still hurt.

Too many don't have boundaries and end up in crap relationships in which innocent children usually follow and a car crash ensues.

proseccoaficionado · 20/01/2019 16:33

Sorry OP, dealbreaker for me too. One "small" (this is not small btw this is huge) lie leads to more small lies and then you end up in 10 years not knowing who you spent your life with

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 20/01/2019 16:41

That's not just 1 lie though is it. He's lied about the car, his dad, the loan, where he is the other 5 nights spending his £200pm.... you are well rid.

Ultramic · 20/01/2019 16:41

There was no reason to lie, he's definitely untrustworthy.

Save yourself future heartache - your instinct is right here, I'd end it too.

Purpleartichoke · 20/01/2019 17:11

That is not a small lie and it’s one he had no good reason to tell.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/01/2019 17:19

It is a big lie, I wouldn't be happy.

ForalltheSaints · 20/01/2019 17:32

Good job you did the right thing in time.

Original poster

MrsAckles1991 · 20/01/2019 18:01

It’s only now I’ve ended it that other little things are becoming much clearer to me...

I’d occasionally ask him what he was doing, why he was quiet for hours at a time or if he wanted to do something different at the weekend. He wouldn’t give me actual answers, we’d go around in circles which would ultimately lead to him making me believe I was nagging, interfering or being too demanding. When I got upset, he’d go in a sulky mood and complain how I was too good for him and how he was “a waste of a life”.

I’m no expert, but I know weed can be an expensive habit with mood swings and paranoia being big side effects.

I am so much better off on my own and I have an amazing couple of friends around me. It’s going to be a difficult time for a while but, as PP have said, better to find this out now instead of further down the commitment line.

OP posts:

snowball28 · 20/01/2019 20:02

Oooooh my very first LTB!!

Seriously though don’t buy a house with this man child. Bloody massive lie! I would be fuming

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 20/01/2019 23:49

That's exactly the attitude that will help you move on mrs.

There is nothing worse than looking back and realising you've wasted so many years hoping one day things would change!

EmeraldShamrock · 20/01/2019 23:58

I suspect you're right thinking weed is the issue here, it is classic weed behaviour when hiding a habit, to tired to see you etc. I wonder how he will deal with this, expect him to coming begging but be strong. Addiction is shit and causes otherwise good people to be liars. I bet he is raging now. I am glad you found out before you moved in.

Original poster

MrsAckles1991 · 21/01/2019 18:17

@throwaway321 I didn’t micromanage his finances, demand to know where he was at all times of the day or assume he wanted the same things as I did.

He was at home, alone, most nights - “cleaning” he reckoned, although on the odd occasion I was invited there, it was anything but.

I gave him a chance to explain and we ended up sitting in silence for two hours.

He couldn’t, or wouldn’t, tell me where hundreds of his money was going every month since we talked about starting to save money (which was about September last year). That is roughly £1000... I don’t have to be “micro managing” his life to think I am entitled to ask where that money has gone, do I?

And we had no plans to buy anywhere, or start a family. Yes we had been together only 16 months, but we went through more in that time than most couples do over years.

Realistically we both thought it would take about a year to save and then we could start looking.

I have him plenty of opportunity to be honest with me and he thought so much of me that he just sat there, huffing and puffing and looking at his watch.

I know I have been blind - I am just glad I’ve had my eyes opened now.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsAckles1991 · 21/01/2019 18:21

@emeraldshamrock Interesting you say “classic weed behaviour” because when I pointed this out to him, about his random mood swings, argumentative attitude, being tired all the time, not accounting for money, etc, he got angry and said I didn’t know what I was talking about.

I just wish I knew what had changed between us. Guess I’m better off not knowing rather than getting in deeper.

OP posts:

OutPinked · 21/01/2019 18:27

I wouldn’t advise anyone enters into a financial contract as serious as a mortgage with someone they have known for a year. Not in the least someone you have only spent one or two days a week with for a little over a year.

It’s lucky you found out now rather than after the house had been purchased. Imagine being unknowingly tied into a mortgage with a guy who spends hundreds a month on drugs. You’ve done the right thing.

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