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Original poster

To end it all after one lie...

74 replies

MrsAckles1991 · 19/01/2019 23:11

My boyfriend of 16 months has lied to me, over something small in the grand scheme of life, but still a lie and involving money...

Because of pretty shitty circumstances in my fairly recent past, I have told him from day one that I can deal with a lot, as long as he is honest with me.

To be clear, he got “found out” - He did not volunteer the truth and when asked why he lied, I get “I don’t know”. No explanation, no genuine apology - Just a lot of sulking and shrugging and feeling sorry for himself.

It was only 16 months, I know it wasn’t long, but he meant everything to me.

I have done right, haven’t I?

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 19/01/2019 23:42

I think you are right to end the relationship, that was quite a big lie. However he may regret it and be truly sorry so leave the door ajar, everyone makes mistakes. On the other hand you may meet someone else who doesn't lie.

Wine and Flowers for you as it hurts so much right now. It will get better. x

importantkath · 19/01/2019 23:42

I wouldn't continue. Trust is gone, and this is before the big things like getting married and having a kid.

Neverender · 19/01/2019 23:42

Bravo! You've done yourself a massive favour binning him. Congrats! X

Stars1979 · 19/01/2019 23:42

Unless he can explain why he lied and you are satisfied with the explaination and it’s not going to happen again I would move on. Put into perspective I’m the same as you, hate lies. Married someone who lied to me once to twice, nothing big. Turns out whilst I was on maternity leave he spun a massive lie about money, which meant he couldn’t pay what he was meant to pay bills etc whilst I was getting statutory pay. I used savings to pay the bills. God knows where the money went and I’ve never forgiven him really. We just broke up.

WisdomOfCrowds · 19/01/2019 23:43

My partner recently told a (much bigger) lie, also involving money, and if we didn't have children we would have been done the day I found out. Leave OP, before you have the whole "keeping the family together" bollocks over riding your gut instinct. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again, and in your shoes I wouldn't even bother trying. Just go now while there are no ties.

Grace212 · 19/01/2019 23:44

"However he may regret it and be truly sorry so leave the door ajar, everyone makes mistakes."

NO NO NO NO NO NO

why would anyone say such a mad thing?

SaturdayNext · 19/01/2019 23:44

That's at least three lies - firstly about the purchase of the car, secondly about paying back his father, and thirdly about not knowing where the money is going. He knows perfectly well.

Grace212 · 19/01/2019 23:45

oh and I'm going to trot out my usual line

broken hearts mend. broken finances - not so easy. you might make money back after a loss, but even if you do, you will need to be a multi millionaire before you can relax about what was lost.

Sparklesocks · 19/01/2019 23:46

I think you have made the right choice

YouTheCat · 19/01/2019 23:47

He knows why he lied. He lied because he didn't think he'd get caught out.

You are well rid.

throwaway321 · 19/01/2019 23:48

what proportion is £200 of his total pay? He may have felt embarrassed about the gift and didn't want you to think him spoilt. Are you micro-managing his finances to such an extent that after only 16 months you expect him to explain where £200 goes in a month? Maybe he's spending more on nights out with his mates than he let's on because he feels pressured to save but may not be ready. It sounds highly pressured and I don't know the full circumstances. If he seems honest and you loved and trusted him enough to buy a house with him maybe give him a chance to explain himself

Missingstreetlife · 19/01/2019 23:49

Well done op. It will hurt but you deserve better. Best wishes

SleepWarrior · 19/01/2019 23:50

You're not oversensitive about lies because of recent circumstances - your slides senses are spot and this is a deal-breaker sized betrayal.

If you'd been married 20 years and otherwise happy then maybe you'd it work though, but at 16 months - RUN!

Chocolate1984 · 19/01/2019 23:51

The fact he only makes time to see you once or twice a week is enough to end it.

BrokenWing · 19/01/2019 23:51

He's let you keep saying money towards your future while he spends freely. I wouldnt accept that from a 31 year old man.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/01/2019 23:57

If he didn't like being 'micro managed' (huge assumption you made there) he could have said, instead he's lied, one can only speculate as to why - maybe to avoid contributing equally to the savings?

GroggyLegs · 19/01/2019 23:57

First, that's a big lie. And about money, which to me suggests he's not going to be great to deal with if you have DC and end up financially dependent on him.

Second, how hurtful that he'd rather lie and waste his cash on weed, than save for a home together. I'd feel like he didn't give a shit about me.

He could come back & say he knows his parents will lend them the deposit, that's why he didn't save, but this would be pretty repellent in a 31yo too.

I think you've done the right thing Flowers

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/01/2019 23:59

Don't know what the lie was, but to me it doesnt matter - one lie will only become the first of many. You did the right thing.

thegreatbeyond · 20/01/2019 00:03

Secret child support?

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 20/01/2019 00:05

That's a massive lie!

That's not the same as telling you he had a salad for lunch but he really had a KFC.

His ease at constructing the lie and then continuing it then his reaction to you finding out would all be big big red flags and if it were me I'd be ending it it. No way would I trust sharing a life with him.

ILoveChristmasLights · 20/01/2019 00:07

YOU did the right thing, now you have to do the hard thing - do not take him back.

That’s a significant lie, sustained and thought out. Plus he’s lying about not knowing where the money is going, if you stayed with him you’d have no trust, no stability and quite possibly a bloke with a drug problem.

Thank yourself for getting out now, rather than after kids etc.

Ngaio2 · 20/01/2019 00:08

You can’t be sure it’s weed, could be hard drugs, could be he’s a gambler. The fact that he hasn’t accounted for the money means he feels he has to hide it from you. Also looks from your op that he used getting the car as a premeditated means of having thextrspending money.
Looks like you’ve had a luckyescape OP

HollowTalk · 20/01/2019 00:13

I'm just shocked you'd think of buying a house with someone you only see once or twice a week, when you could see each other more often.

ChristmasSnow · 20/01/2019 00:17

Youve been together 16 months

You see him once ot twice a week, and your saving to move in together

Thats a huge leap, from once or twice a week to 24/7....

He shouldnt of lied to you but why have you got your nose in his finances?

If this was the other way around, most people would be questioning why he was interested / involved in your money

You need to have a honest discussion about whats going on.
Maybe his just going out with his mates and he feels like he cant admit to it for fear of you having the hump.

His money really has nothing to do with you, 16 months into a relationship

N01cicles · 20/01/2019 00:23

I think that he is not that into you. It sounds like he would rather spend his free nights with his mates or hobbies. He could not be honest with you and tell you that the car was a gift ! He has no proof of savings for the house. This is not the person that you should be buying a house or have a future with !

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