Ideas please

[LittlefairyMum]

I found out my husband was cheating with someone at work.
We have two young children. One of whom is severely disabled.

I was devastated but ended the marriage.
I have always known who the other woman was and known she’s also married. I have contact details for her husband and fantasized about telling him, though I never did.

My ex is living in a small flat which is unsuitable for kids so has always visited the children at my home.
This means I never get a break. I’m constantly exhausted.

Just before Christmas our DD was very poorly and I was struggling.
He seen how down I was and offered to stay over on Boxing Day so I could sleep that night. He stayed over twice in her bedroom.

Since then, his girlfriend, who is still non existent according to him, keeps calling and texting his phone when he’s in my home.
I know her number and have seen it flashing up on his screen on numerous occasions.

This is seriously bothering me now. Each time his phone goes off, I nearly feel physical pain.

She’s obviously very insecure since the sleepover and is letting me know he’s hers.
She has also bitten his neck, knowing he was coming to visit the children. Although they’re too young to understand, this really angered me. I feel it was done for my benefit. It feels very personal.

I have asked him to mute his phone while he’s in my home but he’s refused saying he may miss ‘important work calls’ , he has the exact same job as he had throughout our marriage and never had important work calls before or ‘important work texts’ This is her .

If he doesn’t text her back within minutes she’s texting him again.

It’s really getting me down.
She knows this is causing problems and bad feeling between us but keeps it up.

I feel so disrespected and trapped. He finds the two children difficult to manage alone, I wouldn’t fully trust him either because of our daughters complex needs. Until our youngest child gets a little older, I need to be home when he’s here. This could be 18 more months and I can’t face this torture.

This affair has destroyed my family and me. I’ve tried to be the bigger person for so long but these texts are getting in on me.

I’ve tried to persuade my ex to turn off his notifications so I don’t have to hear the messages coming in but he won’t. He has no respect for me and neither does she.

What would you do ?
Threaten her ? How ?
Would you tell her husband?
How ?

Please don’t tell me to be the bigger person. I’ve done that. I blamed him on the affair and he's lost his home, marriage and family life.
She’s got away with everything, he hasn’t. She also has my ex husband and she still won’t let me be. I feel like a fool for accepting their behavior, my nose being constantly rubbed init but the children need to see their dad so I won’t stop him visiting them.

Please be kind. I just want ideas

Honestly I would of told her dh at the time, She thought nothing of fucking you over along with your dh so I would of told him without a moment hesitation. So you are a better woman than me my love!

As for now I’d say to your ex “ look you messed up our marriage and I am still decent enough to let you come in to my home and see the dc, all I ask for is some respect from you and you turn the notifications off from the cheap bitch you fucked . If you can’t do that then you need to find another solution for seeing the dc as this is working for me the way it is at the moment”

I agree with pp, I'd tell her husband and hope to fuck things up for her a bit, maybe even try get some sort of solid evidence to show him too in case he doesn't believe you.
Regarding your husband I would give him the ultimatum either he turns his notifications off when he's at yours or he makes other arrangements to see the ds, he's welcome to come to yours but as soon as you hear a message or phone call from the ow then he has to leave. Hopefully he'll put his dc before the neediness of the ow.

Thanks ladies. He wants it every way 😡
He knows deep down I know it's her but he will not admit this of course.
He's insisting it's 'work' and I'm crazy, paranoid, the usual.
That if I want my maintanice, I need to 'cotton on to myself and drop it '

When I mentioned I wasn't putting up with these messages anymore, he turned his phone to silent but it still keeps buzzing. It drives me around the bend. Then he's smiling at his phone too 😡

It makes me laugh the way he protected her all along. She has everything still and he really lost allot. Now, she's calling the shots again, all because he stayed here twice. I wouldn't mind but I could hear his phone was the whole time so she knew we weren't getting cosy or anything. As iff!

I felt sorry for her husband and knew I'd feel guilty for telling him but my desire to get her back is becoming really strong now. I'm a little afraid of upsetting the whole situation here too. I have allot on my plate with the children.
It's maddening.

Tell the husband.

Does he have parents near, could he see the children there?

Definitely tell the husband.

Record any threats about stopping maintenance, note date and time. He’s a twat.

Get someone else to tell the husband if you think he’ll take it out on you.

Thanks.
No parents. No family support unfortunately.
I feel so trapped. I am genuinely worried he would stop paying me. Even a couple of weeks would be disastrous.

Do you mean get a friend to tell her husband?

Tell the husband
Tell him to make other arrangements to see the children e.g a mutually agreed place that isn’t your house. If he doesn’t, there’s no contact until he takes you to court.
Contact the CSA or whatever they’re called now and get them to sort child maintenance payments so he has no excuse.

You can take control of the situation

Yes, if you think the husband will tell her that you told and your ex will retaliate, dknit anonymously or get someone else to tell him so it can’t be traced to you.

*do it anonymously

If she is having home trouble she may not be able to text as much, may have to hide her phone use from her husband. He may throw her out and then your ex will have an onviously paranoid weirdo to go home to.

Oh yes, CSA so his threats to stop are pointless, they will take him to court, take the money out of his wages at source.

I really like the way you think 😂😂😂
Thank you.

I'm just wondering how I would tell him anonymously....
Would he believe it...
If I give my evidence, they'll all know it was me.

Tell him he can't spend his time with kids at your place. If his flat is so small that it can't accommodate kids, then he will have to find a neutral place (e.g. shopping, cinema, grandparents .... whatever) to take kids to when it's his turn to have them and bring them back at night. That's the end of it.

This sounds horrible for you. I don't know what is possible with your DD's disability or how old your kids are, but for the sake of your own mental health and wellbeing, you need to stop having him visit at your house when you're there. It's just prolonging the misery for you. Could he not take them to the park then a cafe for a couple of hours, then drop back to you? There must be ways he can take them out, even if just to macdonalds. You need to start distancing yourself from him and you can't if you still have to spend time in his company.

Send him an anonymous letter? (Is that illegal?) You could both get one, you and the husband, from an unknown person probably at their work...

I know it seems cowardly but if you need to protect yourself, so be it.

Get onto CSA so his threats mean nothing. Find out your rights re benefits/emergency payments in case he stops paying you meanwhile. You really need to get out of the hospital he has on you. Your place, his money, he does what he likes...

You’ve got to get into a position of control over your own home and money.

get out of the HOLD he has on you...

Sorry, on silly phone!

Definitely tell the husband, poor man has no idea his wife is getting her hole filled by someone else.
I hate cheaters, and would instantly without hesitation wreck it all for her.
Then contact child maintenance service and get them to sort out money, explain to them he’s threatening to stop payments of the family agreement

Tell the husband. You have done nothing wrong, he cannot take it out on you. It's more likely he will take it out on his wife or your ex. Write a letter, provide evidence if you can, and then stay out of it.

But definitely tell him!

As for maintenance, the CSA will be able to force him to pay via his wages. He really isn't in the position to throw threats about not paying.

Actually, while you're at it, make sure he's paying you enough. Use this calculator to see how much he should be paying. www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Good luck. You've done nothing wrong, remember that.

Thank you all.

I'm looking into CSA stuff now to see how I'll fair out. My DD's needs are complex. It's difficult to go into but him seeing her here really is the best solution until he gets somewhere suitable.

I was doing really well with it all. I believed deep down they both done me a favor and was getting myself back together nicely.
The lovebite and the texts have really pushed me over the edge though.
It's kicking someone while they're down and very mean.

I don't know if an anonymous letter would be illegal but it's a great idea, I'll look into that too, thanks again. My evidence could only have come from me so that's tricky.

Her husband wouldn't take it out on me I don't think. He'd take it out on them, possibly him and I'm kind of worried about that. It's her I want to get to. He's already suffered allot. It's her that keeps pushing me now 😓

You might not need evidence (I presume you mean screenshots etc) her husband may have suspicions already. A letter just saying did he know she was shagging Bert from the depot might cause him to snoop. Or follow her. Or ask you. And if he asks you you can hardly lie.

Would it be possible to designate a room in your home as a meeting room for your ex and the children? Make it anonymous, nonoetsonal egefcts of yours, just the children’s toys and whatever they need. Ex is only allowed in there ( and maybe the loo) but nowhere else in the house. He shouldn’t be allowed to be in your place at all, he chose to leave.

nonoetsonal egefcts = no personal effects

Why are you protecting him? He's been through a lot, but so have you, because of him!

You said he doesn't care about your feelings, I think you need to be more impartial to his. If you tell her husband, she WILL have to face up to what she is doing. He may or may not be contacted by the husband. He certainly deserves whatever he gets.

She doesn't deserve you keeping her secrets for her, she played her part in destroying your marriage and she's intent on rubbing it in your face.

Don’t feel guilty about telling her husband. He deserves to know.

He has to know. I don't know how he couldn't. She's constantly available to him and pushing for contact.
It was like this all along.

I don't know their home situation obviously but this has been going on for a long time and I don't know how the husband wouldn't be very suspicious.

I do know from her husbands FB account that she wished him a happy birthday recently. It was a loving message so they're definitely still 'together'
His job would mean he works allot but I don't know how he couldn't be suspicious with the amount of messages/calls.

He's here today, so I'm in my bedroom allot. I do distance myself but it's hard being stuck in a room most of the day too.

I feel a lot better today though

I’d tell her husband more than anything because he deserves to know what is going on.

I’d say something along the lines of I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner, but I was unsure whether I should tell you. My ex husband and your wife are having an affair. It is what caused me to end our marriage and I am aware that it is still ongoing. I’m really sorry to be the bearer of bad news.