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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong or is dh just very moany?

36 replies

Igiveup2019 · 19/01/2019 14:55

For background, dh and i have been throught some hard times, went through marriage counselling last year and thought we were getting back on track. However the last few weeks have started wearing me down and i don't know if its me or dh, or both?

We have 1 dd who is 3. Both work full time, i work in an office role, normal office hours. Dh works shifts including days amd nights. I've recently been promoted at work to a more demanding role so have been doing some longer hours as there's some bits to sort out.

Dh has been off all week, he gets a week off every 5 weeks with his shifts. So on monday i did drop off for dd, dh was at home and did nothing all day. I was away on a works trip tuesday & wednesday (prestigious event, won through recognition at work so very highly thought of.) Dh picked monday evening to have an argument about how he doesn't get enough attention and we don't have sex enough! For reference, a year ago i would never have gone away for a night as i had quite bad post natel anxiety so he knew how hard i have worked to get to a stage where i feel comfortable to do that.

Anyway went on works trip to dh moaning for the 2 days about how i didn't message him enough, how i didn't think of him while i was away etc. Came home and the house was a mess!

Thursday, dh was dropping dd off so before i went to work i took the bins out, tidied the kitchen and took all the recycling out. Got a phone call at work with a 20 minute rant about how i put the wrong bin out and how i hadn't done x, y, z as well!

Today have been moaned out because after dd got up and came to our room she wanted to go downstairs, so instead of staying in bed to cuddle him, i followed dd to ensure she got downstairs the safely. Then because i misubderstood something he said, and then because he has left it til today to get a shirt out for tonight (been off all week!) And now i can't find the iron!

Just feeling very confused right now! And well done if you made it to the end!

OP posts:
HarperIsBazaar · 19/01/2019 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2019 15:01

Take this new promotion as a sign that it's time to leave this miserable marriage. Your husband is an arsehole.

madcatladyforever · 19/01/2019 15:02

Seconded he sounds like an absolute twat. I couldn't stand that behaviour for 5 minutes and he'd never get sex again.

MiniCooperLover · 19/01/2019 15:04

He's deliberately being awkward to punish you for your promotion and to remind you of your place !!

Floralhousecoat · 19/01/2019 15:09

I agree with minicooper.

He's trying to bring you down op. Ignore his behaviour and tell him to grow up and contribute as an adult should.

7yo7yo · 19/01/2019 15:15

Ooh he’s punishing you.
He’s thinking;
How dare you get ahead of yourself.
Prestigious award? You can’t even do the housework you deserve nothing.
I’ll put you in your place.

Onwards and upwards op, leave the dead weight behind.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 19/01/2019 15:20

Poor love has had his ego bashed..
Well done for it all..
He needs kicked to the kerb.
Or out.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 19/01/2019 15:22

He thinks that the housework and childcare is primarily your job, and resents having to do an equal share. In his mind, he should only be expected to "help out" from time to time, not actually be responsible for half of it. He probably also thinks that he is super dad and super husband for doing anything at all, and that you should be falling over yourself with gratitude every time he puts a plate in the dishwasher.

UrsulaPandress · 19/01/2019 15:22

Congratulations on your promotion.

jelliebelly · 19/01/2019 15:23

Congrats on the promotion and recognition. - commiserations on having a twat for a husband.

Iloveacurry · 19/01/2019 15:24

He sounds like a twat.

CarolDanvers · 19/01/2019 15:24

Oh you’re being punished for changing the status quo. You’re becoming a bit too independent aren’t you? And focussing far too much on yourself, your child and your job and not enough on your bratty husband. One way or another he’s going to make sure he keeps your attention right where it belongs...on him. This is going to happen every time things start going well for you so that the wind comes right out of your sails so that you’ll scuttle quickly back into the role and place he feels comfortable with you being in. You’ll be nervous and miserable and won’t enjoy your achievements but never mind at least your jealous, insecure husband will be happy.

XmasPostmanBos · 19/01/2019 15:29

A decent person who felt they needed more quality time would not start an argument about it. Unless he brought it up in a nice way and you reacted badly then he is in the wrong there.
He would not like it if you acted towards him the way he is treating you.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/01/2019 15:37

It sounds like he is worried that you're going to leave or change and not like him any more, you are obviously a very different person to what you were last year. Is his career going well?

The timing of his argument is very telling. It sounds like he is worried the attention won't be on him any more. I guess this is a hard thing to articulate but he's acting like a toddler acting up to get your attention.

Not doing his share, then ranting at you for not doing your share properly, is not on whatever he is feeling.

I think you've already been to counselling so if you want to work on it, then going back should be achievable and should have decent results.

HomeMadeMadness · 19/01/2019 15:42

Sounds like he's threatened by your new job and/or throwing a tantrum because he's not centre of attention all day every day.

XmasPostmanBos · 19/01/2019 15:43

if you want to work on it, then going back should be achievable and should have decent results

Maybe he should go for some counselling by himself to work on not being such a twat.

Littleraindrop15 · 19/01/2019 15:47

Ltb

Original poster
Igiveup2019 · 19/01/2019 15:47

Dh's career isn't bad but he has done the same job for 7 years or so. He isn't interested (is too lazy) in changing it even though i have suggested this many times before. He likes the flexibility shifts give him and his week off to himself.

We have talked about making more time for each other, and most nights after dd has gone to bed we sit for an hour and watch something like we used to do before dd. But it isn't enough because i'm still not jumping on him every night.

It used to be the agreement that whoever put dd to bed, the other would come down and do a quick tidy up. I usually put dd to bed (at her request) but he has recently stopped tidying up so i have to do that as well.

If i do anything round the house i just do it. If dh does anything i get a running commentary of everything.

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 19/01/2019 15:51

Fuck this shit.

Who made him the boss of you?

BeanTownNancy · 19/01/2019 15:53

Maybe he's feeling neglected (attention-wise) and that's why he's acting up so much. I'm not saying he's being at all reasonable, or going about it the right way at all, but maybe he is just feeling like he isn't a priority to you at the moment so he's trying to get your attention with a bunch of negative, passive-aggressive bullshit?
If that is the case, and you actually want to save the relationship (though understand if you don't), perhaps you could try and organise some time just for the two of you?

Or he could just be a dick. 🤷🏻‍♀️

BeanTownNancy · 19/01/2019 15:54

Ah, cross-post with your update.

Dick it is then!

TokyoSushi · 19/01/2019 16:01

Completely agree with PP's that he doesn't like your promotion etc and wants to keep you in your place. Not nice.

HughLauriesStubble · 19/01/2019 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoopaloop · 19/01/2019 16:05

Use your promotion to hire an assassin and have him bumped off.

KatharinaRosalie · 19/01/2019 16:12

Why are you even looking for the fucking iron?? You're not his maid, he's been off all week - you should have been coming home to a sparkling house, dinner on the table and champagne and flowers for the award.