Am I in the wrong or is dh just very moany?

[Igiveup2019]

For background, dh and i have been throught some hard times, went through marriage counselling last year and thought we were getting back on track. However the last few weeks have started wearing me down and i don't know if its me or dh, or both?

We have 1 dd who is 3. Both work full time, i work in an office role, normal office hours. Dh works shifts including days amd nights. I've recently been promoted at work to a more demanding role so have been doing some longer hours as there's some bits to sort out.

Dh has been off all week, he gets a week off every 5 weeks with his shifts. So on monday i did drop off for dd, dh was at home and did nothing all day. I was away on a works trip tuesday & wednesday (prestigious event, won through recognition at work so very highly thought of.) Dh picked monday evening to have an argument about how he doesn't get enough attention and we don't have sex enough! For reference, a year ago i would never have gone away for a night as i had quite bad post natel anxiety so he knew how hard i have worked to get to a stage where i feel comfortable to do that.

Anyway went on works trip to dh moaning for the 2 days about how i didn't message him enough, how i didn't think of him while i was away etc. Came home and the house was a mess!

Thursday, dh was dropping dd off so before i went to work i took the bins out, tidied the kitchen and took all the recycling out. Got a phone call at work with a 20 minute rant about how i put the wrong bin out and how i hadn't done x, y, z as well!

Today have been moaned out because after dd got up and came to our room she wanted to go downstairs, so instead of staying in bed to cuddle him, i followed dd to ensure she got downstairs the safely. Then because i misubderstood something he said, and then because he has left it til today to get a shirt out for tonight (been off all week!) And now i can't find the iron!

Just feeling very confused right now! And well done if you made it to the end!

What a selfish, petulant knobhead!
He sounds like a child, stamping his feet because he's not getting enough attention. I think you should be telling him that either he starts pulling his weight or he can move out. Maybe if you had some help you'd be more inclined to find time for him - maybe suggest that if he pulls his weight more you can try date night but until that happens nothing changes. Then put yourself first, and kick his arse into gear.

Fuck him off OP...

You know deep down you deserve better.

He is very jealous of your success. He sounds an absolute lazy arse but most of the men do on this site. Take your promotion and tell him to fuck off to bedsit land OP.

Tell him that the thing that most turns you on is a man in Marigolds doing the washing up?

It might work

But basically he doesn't like it that you're forging on with your career while he stagnates (through his own fault) so he's trying to bring you down to his level. If you pack it all in he won't feel threatened any more and he can carry on in the rut of his own making.

Whatever you do, DON'T pack it in. Pack him in first.

OP, did you have a thread a few weeks ago about you H not wanting/allowing you to go on the work's trip?
If it's not you I apologise but if it is you good on you for going.

I had same problem in my 30/40s whereby my DH was a complete ass and never did anything around the house. I made a big fuss of him every night between 7-9pm on my Mat Leave as DD was fast asleep (complete Gina Ford Baby) - so he had lots of attention. Ended up giving up work after 6 yrs and looking after family for 12 yrs. DH earned massive money etc but it was me who invested/insisted on buying hse etc. Anyhow, fast forward 9 yrs and he loses business due to business ptner inept/etc and we lose our hse etc. It's bought us closer but his lack of helping me in the house is again raising its ugly head. I took last 4 yrs to get back to a professional career - after 14yrs away - now working f/t and earning well, and still DH not working/earning for 5 yrs but trying entrepreneurial work and it may come off but no guarantees. Anyhow sets the picture - we are in our 50s and financially stuffed but recovering - I am working fulltime and he is at home but he doesn't pull weight at all. I do laundry/shopping/cooking/household bills etc as well as working f/t. Nothing has changed. Neither of us believe in divorce but it's wearing me away. Somehow we/you need to address the situation without losing the marriage which ultimately nowadays destroys both your futures financially. I don't know the answer, but both DHs must be able to see their behaviour is not helpful. Marriage guidance might help? I'm trying to change things a little at a time - got a cleaner/doing on-line shopping and asking DH to actually do specific jobs like hanging up laundry and picking up emergency milk/fruit. Worth reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" - DHs are really different but also like little boys! Yours is definitely trying to control - classic scared - maybe scared that as you are successfully working you might meet someone else - and it's the only way he knows how to behave. But ultimately he probably just needs to confront his behaviour and understand it is counterproductive as pushing you away.

Foolish to just ditch the marriage as advised by others as this brings its own issues such as childcare and financial. It's worth trying to sort it out especially as you both chose each other so there must be some reason to stay together. Burying it won't help but easy to do. Having a child is a big change to both of you and you are both brand new parents - 3yrs is not long. You do need to be kinder to both of yourselves as holding down f/t jobs (shifts too) and childcare is not easy. He is obviously struggling which is why he is behaving so badly. An independent Relate Counsellor should be able to help him see that. Worth trying to sort out and setting out at the Relate how you feel and giving him a chance to understand and change. Good luck - sometimes working through the tough times brings you closer. It sounds stupid but sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.

Not believing in divorce is equivalent to believing in being a martyr. You're the one suffering for your beliefs, CTMSW6. And you're crazy to tell your husband you don't believe in divorce - you're giving him a licence to behave selfishly - which he is doing.

OMG it didn't take long before I suddenly realised why I haven't bothered with MN for last decade but the very first thread is ridiculous. When I said I didn't believe in divorce I speak from experience but before you start hammering me I do not let that be a licence. So for goodness sake if you cannot be constructive etc etc...…...signing off for next decade. Good luck to original lady.

The “advice” you gave is years out of date tbh. Women don’t want to have to kiss their husbands arses and read books on how to make excuses for shit behaviour any more. That’s all very pre nineties. Probably just as well you’ve flounced off as some of the advice you gave there is eye rollingly silly.

I didn't post about dh not wanting me to go, though he did have a moan as the event included a free bar and activities more suited to him than me but he wouldn't have stopped me going.

I want to save the relationship as i do still love him its just the constant moaning about everything.