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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding decisions

29 replies

Chickenwing · 19/01/2019 10:29

I'm getting married next year & my parents are paying the majority of the cost. This has caused a lot of issues already. My most recent problem is they expect me to ask my niece and nephew to be involved in the wedding party (they are aged 2 and 3) as flower girl and page boy. I personally had no desire for children to be in my wedding party. It would be an added stress for me on the day to organise 2 small children to go down the aisle & I would be worrying about this before my big day. I know the children are too young to care and this is just for the parents, AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

Foslady · 19/01/2019 10:30

Do you need to accept the money?

Morgan12 · 19/01/2019 10:31

Just let them. The stress won't be yours on the day. The bridesmaid will make sure they are ok.

Original poster

Chickenwing · 19/01/2019 10:35

Yes, too many deposits have already been paid & we can't afford the wedding ourselves. I'm more worried about causing a problem with my parents and sisters by going against what they want. I don't want to offend anyone but don't want the children in the WP.

OP posts:

ChoccyBiccyTastic · 19/01/2019 10:39

Unfortunately, the more they pay, the more they have a say.
They're probably excited to include their precious grandchildren in cute wedding attire, and they probably don't want to cause a load of cost and childcare hassle to, I assume, DB/DS by excluding them. It's an understandable perspective.
Obviously, you have every right not to want kids at your wedding, but I'd think carefully about making big waves unless you can afford to foot the bill yourself. It doesn't seen right to dump childcare costs on close family (friends are different) to attend your wedding when you're not even paying for it yourself.

greendale17 · 19/01/2019 10:40

I would let them

Original poster

Chickenwing · 19/01/2019 10:42

Children are invited to the wedding, I just don't want them to walk down the aisle or be part of the actual ceremony.

OP posts:

Justkeeprollingalong · 19/01/2019 10:44

I've never seen children that small actually make it down the isle! I wouldn't worry about it.

TeenTimesTwo · 19/01/2019 10:46

When I married I had 2 adult bridesmaids and a flower girl.

One of the bridesmaids was 'for me' and the other was to wrangle the flower girl.

If it causes you more stress to have them then don't. But a low stress way could be to say:

Yes that's fine. You kit them out. We'll meet at the church (i.e. they do not get ready where you are or travel with you), if they don't want to do it on the day that's fine. They walk down the aisle then sit with their parents.
Photos, grab a couple including them before they get overtired. As soon as they don't cooperate remove them from the photos. (Have someone ready to whisk them off).

user1466690252 · 19/01/2019 10:48

I would suck it up and it be a gift to your family kinda thing for how much money they have spent the 3yr old will be fine walking down and depending on the 2yr kids temperament they might feel unsure and not want to do it. Sit them in the aisle if they get restless then they can leave easily. It’s going to be one of those things you’ll have to do I’m afraid. On the day you won’t even notice I promise

user1466690252 · 19/01/2019 10:48

And yes to their parents getting them ready. We did that. It was fine.

altiara · 19/01/2019 10:51

I’d let them get dressed up and walk down the aisle with your mum. If you’re accepting so much money, you’ve got to realise your parents are paying because they see it as a family occasion.

Baden157 · 19/01/2019 10:55

Like you i didnt want kids walking down the aisle with me. So I had my niece and nephew as ushers at the church. They were older than yours but they stood with their dad and uncle to welcome everyone to the church. Kept everyone happy as they had a special role in the day. Would something like that work?

lola006 · 19/01/2019 10:58

My mum is a minister. She advises couples to pick children ages 3+ partly to make sure they can take direction and part so they don’t steal the brides thunder! She told me one story of a toddler bridesmaid who lifted her dress up during the ceremony prompting everyone in attendance to giggle/ohh & ahh during the vows! The bride wasn’t happy!!

bridgetreilly · 19/01/2019 11:04

I would say no and I would have a serious conversation with your parents reminding them that although you are extremely grateful for their generosity, it is still your (and your fiances) wedding and you will be the ones deciding what happens on the day. I don't buy this idea that if they pay, they get to say what happens. It's a gift, and if it comes with too many strings, it's not much of a gift any more.

LL83 · 19/01/2019 11:08

My dd was a flower girl at that age I was stressed as I knew she wouldn't be likely to walk down the aisle. At one her dad walked/carried her to her seat as he was an usher. At the other she wore a matching dress, had some pics but didn't actually have anything to do at ceremony.

Lazypuppy · 19/01/2019 11:15

Their parents have to get them ready, you don't have to worry about anything. Send them down the aisle before your bridesmaids

elvis86 · 19/01/2019 11:57

Was there really no indication that your parents would be likely to behave like this before you accepted the money..?

When the idea was first suggested, what did you say? Would a firm "Oh no, we're not having child attendants" have put it to bed?

You're in an impossible position now. Make a stand and they'll make out that you're being a mean control freak, and the "targets" are 2 small children. Give in, and you'll almost certainly have more of this BS to put up with. FGS people - don't accept money without a frank conversation about any strings!

I don't know why your sibling would want their kids having a role, knowing it was against your will? Sounds like your family see your wedding as a spectacle to show off the whole family, rather than a day to celebrate you and your partner's love for each other.

Surely the whole point of attendants / bridesmaids etc is the gesture of being asked by the bride (and groom)?

Believability · 19/01/2019 12:05

I think you need to get over it. You don’t need to worry about them at all. Their parents can get them ready, if they want to walk down the aisle then fine, if they don’t then fine too but at that age they are under their parents remit. I don’t think it’s a big deal for family relations but then I can’t imagine not wanting my nieces and nephews as part of the wedding party. In my family it would be a given without discussion and no children would be no non family children.

HermioneWeasley · 19/01/2019 12:07

You won’t need or be expected to do anything.

Unfortunately if your parents are paying, they get to call the shots

SenoritaViva · 19/01/2019 12:14

I also think you should accept and not worry about it. In agreeing to take your parents money, and this was optional - you could have done something different, you gave them a say in your wedding.
As the bride they won’t be your responsibility, bridesmaids and sisters will look after them.

elvis86 · 19/01/2019 12:18

"I can’t imagine not wanting my nieces and nephews as part of the wedding party. In my family it would be a given without discussion and no children would be no non family children."

Believability - I find that really weird. Nobody makes any assumptions about weddings in my family - you wait to see what the couple themselves are planning?

Original poster

Chickenwing · 19/01/2019 12:51

@Elvis when asking the children was first suggested by my parents DP answered that we didn't want that and my mother got upset/angry & said my sister would be furious. So we said we would think about it. They aren't forcing it, just clearly upset about our decision. I guess I'm hoping it doesn't make me a terrible person to not want the children involved.

OP posts:

feelingverylazytoday · 19/01/2019 12:51

Have you tried telling your parents that you don't want them in the wedding party?

feelingverylazytoday · 19/01/2019 12:53

Sorry, cross posted. So the issue seems to be more with your sister then. Have you discussed it with her?

Neverunderfed · 19/01/2019 13:06

It doesn't, of course...but is this the hill you want to die on?

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